a relationship by any other name

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04-07-11, 03:58 AM
Karen22

a relationship by any other name

hi

First time here, so be gentle. I'm confused about stuff and need someone elses view on the situation.

I met a guy, hes been in my group of friends for a while now, but only became single in December last year. I met him in April and we hit it off straight away. Same tastes in music, same views on life, marriage, babies etc. Hes like a mirror image of me.

We started hanging out and stuff. Normally ending up sleeping (as in sharing a bed not sex), together. Hes very affectionate, we've been out to places and he likes to hold my hand etc. Hes done things like stay up late and cook me dinner (something none of my exs have ever done) and even sit through a play because I wanted to see it. His words; "he wants to make me happy".

We both value "me" time, so apart from the odd chat online, I don't hear much from him during the week. Then we spend the weekends together. It has escalated to sex, neither of us do one night stands and had this discussion about it before it happened. We dont always have sex, sometimes just hang out and cuddle.

A few days later we were out and were a little drunk and I asked him out, he said he didn't want to make a decision drunk and that he wanted to make sure he really likes someone completely.

That was a month ago, since then we've carried on seeing each other at weekends and odd weekdays.

My problem is he rants about being on his own and not wanting anything, about enjoying being on his own, so why does he phone me every weekend to come round? he says its because he "thinks I'm brilliant, that he wants to spend time with me".

We went out with friends for the first time on Friday and halfway through the night, I was asked "how long have you 2 been together?" I thought we'd not acted in a way to make anyone think that. I mentioned it to him and he seemed to go weird about it. At first he smiled, then he backed away. 5 mins later he came back for a hug.

He also told me that "**** buddies" in general never work, as someone always gets attached, so what do we have?

So, what do you think?
04-07-11, 04:31 AM
HeartIsAching

Have a frank conversation with him about this. Ask him what he thinks. He can't read your mind, and you can't read his.
04-07-11, 04:35 AM
Karen22

Thats easier said than done.

I don't know how to bring it up. I tried with the whole "hey John and julie want to know whats up with us?" and he just clammed up.

I know that I should just back away from it, it can't be healthy. But, the way its been has been how all my other relationships have started.
04-07-11, 04:41 AM
Cerby

you guys are FWB, he has you in his bed, but isn't commiting to any kind of relationship.

if you're not a fan on one night stands, then you should probably bail on this. FWB is just a series of one night stands that can end at any point at one persons choice.
04-07-11, 04:44 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by Karen22 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thats easier said than done.

I don't know how to bring it up. I tried with the whole "hey John and julie want to know whats up with us?" and he just clammed up.

I know that I should just back away from it, it can't be healthy. But, the way its been has been how all my other relationships have started.

The hard part is really you wanting to avoid confrontation - I understand that, my wife is the same way.

Get up the nerve to say "We either talk a about this, or I'm outta here."
04-07-11, 04:53 AM
Karen22

I think I'm reading more into it than is actually there. Its probably just FWB. Its just when I put it down as that, he does other stuff, he gets jealous when I talk about seeing other people and sulked when I jokingly said hed slept with someone else.

I know I need to sit down and talk.

Its been 3 years since I went out with someone and I feel out of my depth. I am seriously thinking of just walking away from it.
04-07-11, 04:56 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by Karen22 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think I'm reading more into it than is actually there. Its probably just FWB. Its just when I put it down as that, he does other stuff, he gets jealous when I talk about seeing other people and sulked when I jokingly said hed slept with someone else.

I know I need to sit down and talk.

Its been 3 years since I went out with someone and I feel out of my depth. I am seriously thinking of just walking away from it.

Really? You'd rather walk away than take a chance of a little confrontation? Is it that unimportant to you? Then what'd you post here for? I'm not trying to be an asshole here, I'm just confused. What did you want, an easy solution?
04-07-11, 05:02 AM
Karen22

Feel free to be an asshole, I need to thrash it out. I don't know what I want to be honest.

I just know in that past when I've confronted people about relationship stuff, its always ended in the negative.

I kinda like what we have, he seems to care and I like the attention, its not heavy. But I feel so confused by how he seems to flip between acting like a bf and acting like a cold fish about it.
04-07-11, 05:21 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by Karen22 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Feel free to be an asshole, I need to thrash it out. I don't know what I want to be honest.

I just know in that past when I've confronted people about relationship stuff, its always ended in the negative.

I kinda like what we have, he seems to care and I like the attention, its not heavy. But I feel so confused by how he seems to flip between acting like a bf and acting like a cold fish about it.

He's gonna keep acting that way as long as it gets him what he wants. You need to understand what it is that you want, if you expect to get it.
04-07-11, 05:30 AM
Karen22

I think I need to back away from it all.
04-07-11, 05:48 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He's gonna keep acting that way as long as it gets him what he wants. You need to understand what it is that you want, if you expect to get it.

This^. You might also find this thread relevant

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/56086-has-he-lost-interest-mens-view-really-appreciated.html[/url]
04-07-11, 05:49 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

Just tell him it's cool the way it is now, but unless he wants a committed relationship, you're going to start seeing other people as well as him.
04-07-11, 07:29 PM
lahnnabell

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just tell him it's cool the way it is now, but unless he wants a committed relationship, you're going to start seeing other people as well as him.

She shouldn't do this with the intention of coercing him into a relationship though. That'll backfire for sure.
04-07-11, 07:45 PM
SplendidGray

Stop thinking about what you should do, and start figuring out what you really want. You are like Alice in Wonderland who asks the Cheshire Cat "which way should I go?" And his answer is "that depends on where you want to go".

If you want a long-term committed relationship, then you need to sit down with him and give him an ultimatum: "Commit to me as your exclusive girlfriend or I'm out".

If you want a FWB who can give you some validation, sex, attention, and affection, while doing the same for other women, then don't say anything.

If you don't have the ovaries to make a decision, then expect to have pain, drama, and confusion. Accept that this is going to be a wild ride of pain and emotiona turmoil, and stop worry about what you should do.