My boyfriend's not really replying to my messages

Printable View

08-05-12, 01:58 AM
amdb_1992

My boyfriend's not really replying to my messages

He's 23, I'm 19 and we've been dating for almost 9 months now. He lives in England while I live in the USA.
We got into a fight a little more than a week ago and things just haven't been the same since. I thought we'd gotten over it but now I'm not sure. He's not talking to me much. The fight started cuz I started flirting with him and getting dirty, he didn't want to cuz he was tired but instead he made a comment saying that it wasn't his fault his girlfriend has a high sex drive. It hurt my feelings when he said that and I snapped at him and said that he was usually the one who starts talking dirty and that if that was how he felt then he wouldn't have to worry about it and I would stop talking dirty to him. After we had some time to cool down and he'd gotten some sleep we talked again and we apologized to each other, we talked things through and I thought we got over it. But now he's not talking to me much. Every time I msg him he'll either take a long time to reply or won't reply at all. Anytime I try to start a conversation, he won't really talk. When I ask him if he's there, he'll say yeah. If I tell him I miss him he'll say miss you too but that's all. I know he's busy trying to apply for a new job and studying for a test but i haven't hardly talked to him in days and I miss him. I asked him what he's upto and he said just browsing online then he asked me what im doing and i said that im doing the same and he hasnt said anything since. Normally he'll send a video call so we can go on webcam but he hasn't done that either. I have a feeling he's closing off to me and I don't want him to do that. He's told me before that he tends to do that whenever he loves someone and doesn't want to get hurt. He's told me he's always considered himself to be a loner. He's been hurt a lot and gone through a lot of painful things dealing with family. Can someone please just give me some advice on how I can approach him or talk to him about it? I love him and I don't want to lose him. Thank you.
08-05-12, 02:38 AM
Asip4u

So this relationship is totally online based? I've tried that twice before(and know several other people who have done the same) and more often those just never work out(for many different reasons). From what you say him being a loner and all, dealing with his own painful things, it sounds like he needs to get all these other issues fixed before he can have a meaningful relationship. You can stay around and try to be there for him but don't expect that he'll all of a sudden become a different guy..It may never happen and you have to decide whether it's worth it.
08-05-12, 02:47 AM
amdb_1992

I don't expect him to change, I'm not in this relationship to change him. It's not fair to the person you're dating if you go into a relationship thinking that you're gonna change them and I don't agree with it. I love him the way he is and for who he is. I do agree that he does need to work on a few issues for himself and he is working on them, he's opened up to me about his issues and I have seen improvement in his behaviour. I just want to know how best to approach him about this.
08-05-12, 03:03 AM
Asip4u

Quote:

Originally Posted by amdb_1992 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't expect him to change, I'm not in this relationship to change him. It's not fair to the person you're dating if you go into a relationship thinking that you're gonna change them and I don't agree with it. I love him the way he is and for who he is. I do agree that he does need to work on a few issues for himself and he is working on them, he's opened up to me about his issues and I have seen improvement in his behaviour. I just want to know how best to approach him about this.

I was talking more about him not wanting to talk because of personal issues. There's not much you can do about that except be there for him and hope he gets those fixed. There isn't some magic thing you can say. Guys and girls are different when dealing with these issues as we get angry and need to cool down while girls become sad most times.
08-05-12, 03:11 AM
amdb_1992

I know there's no magic thing to say, I was just asking for people to give me advice on what they think would be the best way to approach the situation. Ideas on what I should say and coming from a man's perspective.
08-05-12, 03:23 AM
Petit Papillon

Quote:

Originally Posted by amdb_1992 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know there's no magic thing to say, I was just asking for people to give me advice on what they think would be the best way to approach the situation. Ideas on what I should say and coming from a man's perspective.

Maybe he's realizing that this relationship makes no sense.He's young, you're young, you shouldn't invest in a relationship with a person you cannot even meet. I guess both of you don't really have that money to travel across the ocean, the tickets are pretty expensive, especially for a person without a real job...
08-05-12, 03:29 AM
Asip4u

Quote:

Originally Posted by amdb_1992 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know there's no magic thing to say, I was just asking for people to give me advice on what they think would be the best way to approach the situation. Ideas on what I should say and coming from a man's perspective.

You should tell him that if he needs some space to sort things out he can do that and you'll be there for him when he's ready. This way if he truly values this relationship he will start talking. You must not keep making contact with him though. If he doesn't respond at all, it probably means he was planning to end it all along.
08-05-12, 03:30 AM
amdb_1992

actually, he's gonna be visiting me next year and we're already planning on getting married.
08-05-12, 03:34 AM
Asip4u

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petit Papillon [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe he's realizing that this relationship makes no sense.He's young, you're young, you shouldn't invest in a relationship with a person you cannot even meet. I guess both of you don't really have that money to travel across the ocean, the tickets are pretty expensive, especially for a person without a real job...

hey stranger! :)

This is a very good point but i don't even bother with it any more. People want to believe that the other person is someone they could not have met in a store, library, coffee shop down the street and so on.
08-05-12, 03:47 AM
Petit Papillon

Quote:

Originally Posted by amdb_1992 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

actually, he's gonna be visiting me next year and we're already planning on getting married.

You aren't serious. Really getting married to a guy you met once? Don't you watch Jerry Springer over there... You basically don't know him, you know only the things he tells you. Would you believe me if I told you I am miss Europe, have 5 degrees and 10 houses everywhere in the Europe? Of course not, not because it sounds like bullshit, but because we don't know each other. But then you could be mistaken, and I could be indeed Miss Europe, having 5 degrees and 10 houses, but you never can be sure. Exactly. So how come you want to marry someone like that? You're young, you shouldn't put yourself in such a mess.
Maybe at least your boyfriend will think more realistic...
08-05-12, 03:47 AM
Angellic

Quote:

Originally Posted by amdb_1992 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

actually, he's gonna be visiting me next year and we're already planning on getting married.

I think you need to spend time with each other in person before planning the wedding. You;re very young and no matter how much time you have spent chatting/IMing and video calling, it is not the same as conducting a relationship in person. He seems to have the facility to ignore you whenever he feels like it, which is hardly the sign of an emotionally mature individual.
08-05-12, 03:48 AM
Petit Papillon

Quote:

Originally Posted by Asip4u [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hey stranger! :)

This is a very good point but i don't even bother with it any more. People want to believe that the other person is someone they could not have met in a store, library, coffee shop down the street and so on.

Hi :)
Well, I'm testing my patience :) Lost controll over it some time ago, but I'm starting to be a nice person again, why not right? :)
08-05-12, 03:52 AM
Asip4u

Girls don't seem to get that guys will say anything to see some boobies. Once it gets old you just move on. That's what iming and video calling is mostly about. I mean, come on, you really think there are no women just as good or better, back where he's from?
08-05-12, 10:18 AM
Jones12

well down [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]