To Wait or Not to Wait...Advice Please

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17-06-09, 11:59 AM
Confusion

To Wait or Not to Wait...Advice Please

Hi everyone, I am new to the board. I was hoping you folks can give me your opinion on my situation.

This girl and I have been “together” for the past 5 years. When I say “together”, I don’t exactly mean we were dating. We got together at the beginning of our relationship because we both really liked each other. But because I felt I wasn’t ready to start dating due to various reasons, we remained friends until the 3rd year mark. Although I was still not ready, we tried dating anyways at this point because I felt it wouldn’t be a good idea to keep on dragging things on. However, the dating didn’t last long due to personal reasons. But because we were so close to each other and got along so well, we remained best friends. Last year she moved out of town for school and during this time frame she has come to accept the fact that nothing more will come out of our friendship. The catch however is that I still have feelings for her but just haven’t brought it to her attention (I was probably being too friendly). I thought that since she’s away from home and because I had some health problems, it was probably not the right time to let her know of my feelings. Last week, she informed me that she plans on starting a new relationship with someone else. So I finally told her my feelings for her and that I would love to have one last chance. She felt that she has already given me 5 years of her time and I haven’t done much to act on the chances that were upon me. Thus, she was unable to agree to my request. Since she is someone I really cared for, there wasn’t much I can do other than to wish her happiness with her new relationship. We left on good terms and she wished me happiness as well.

Now here is my dilemma. Even though she rejected my request for another chance, I feel that her decision was influenced by the fact that she’s currently starting up a new relationship. Hence, I don’t feel there is any closure on my part unless it was a rejection coming from her while she’s single. Should I wait for her to see if she’ll become single again and make another request or should I just let these 5 years go to waste and move on? I really love her and it’s eating away at me that I didn’t express my true feelings to her sooner. I don’t know how I can move on in the state that I am in.
17-06-09, 12:07 PM
Doc Durian

Quote:

Originally Posted by Confusion [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi everyone, I am new to the board. I was hoping you folks can give me your opinion on my situation.

This girl and I have been “together” for the past 5 years. When I say “together”, I don’t exactly mean we were dating. We got together at the beginning of our relationship because we both really liked each other. But because I felt I wasn’t ready to start dating due to various reasons, we remained friends until the 3rd year mark. Although I was still not ready, we tried dating anyways at this point because I felt it wouldn’t be a good idea to keep on dragging things on. However, the dating didn’t last long due to personal reasons. But because we were so close to each other and got along so well, we remained best friends. Last year she moved out of town for school and during this time frame she has come to accept the fact that nothing more will come out of our friendship. The catch however is that I still have feelings for her but just haven’t brought it to her attention (I was probably being too friendly). I thought that since she’s away from home and because I had some health problems, it was probably not the right time to let her know of my feelings. Last week, she informed me that she plans on starting a new relationship with someone else. So I finally told her my feelings for her and that I would love to have one last chance. She felt that she has already given me 5 years of her time and I haven’t done much to act on the chances that were upon me. Thus, she was unable to agree to my request. Since she is someone I really cared for, there wasn’t much I can do other than to wish her happiness with her new relationship. We left on good terms and she wished me happiness as well.

Now here is my dilemma. Even though she rejected my request for another chance, I feel that her decision was influenced by the fact that she’s currently starting up a new relationship. Hence, I don’t feel there is any closure on my part unless it was a rejection coming from her while she’s single. Should I wait for her to see if she’ll become single again and make another request or should I just let these 5 years go to waste and move on? I really love her and it’s eating away at me that I didn’t express my true feelings to her sooner. I don’t know how I can move on in the state that I am in.

It's too late, for the moment. You had you chance, she had her chance with you. Nothing happened. Move on.

Wish her well, and cut off ties, but let her know that it's because of the situation and not her.

If something happens in the future, let me congratulate you and her.

But don't bank on it.

Live life, meet people, get out there.... and above all, man up the next time you cotton on to someone and stick with it. It may end in happiness or grief.... but it's a real start.
17-06-09, 12:55 PM
sunmoonstars

First of all, let me say I am in a similar situation with a guy friend of mine whom I really care for (I am female). So I understand your pain.

It seems to me that often guys date based on whether it's the right time in their life. This seems to be the case with a guy friend of mine, and I find it really frustrating. He seems to have feelings for me, but he keeps saying he's too busy right now for a girlfriend. If he were to come to me and ask me to be with him, I would want him of course, but I fear I would constantly feel insecure as to whether he would stick around, especially if he had been with me then left me in the past.

She may not be entirely sure she could trust you again after you left her. How is she around you? Does she show signs of still having feelings for you? I think you need to figure out whether she is going with this new guy because she prefers him or because she is too scared to be with you again.
17-06-09, 02:13 PM
Spicy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Durian [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's too late, for the moment. You had you chance, she had her chance with you. Nothing happened. Move on.

Wish her well, and cut off ties, but let her know that it's because of the situation and not her.

If something happens in the future, let me congratulate you and her.

But don't bank on it.

Live life, meet people, get out there.... and above all, man up the next time you cotton on to someone and stick with it. It may end in happiness or grief.... but it's a real start.

This is great advice, you should take it, Confusion :)
17-06-09, 03:02 PM
Yggdrasil

You may not have closure, or moved on, but she has. She even told you so:

Quote:

Last week, she informed me that she plans on starting a new relationship with someone else. So I finally told her my feelings for her and that I would love to have one last chance. She felt that she has already given me 5 years of her time and I haven’t done much to act on the chances that were upon me. Thus, she was unable to agree to my request.

Wake up, it's over. Move on. There's plenty of other galls out there. Life suxx. Learn the lesson and don't make the same mistake again.
18-06-09, 12:37 AM
Confusion

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Durian [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's too late, for the moment. You had you chance, she had her chance with you. Nothing happened. Move on.

Wish her well, and cut off ties, but let her know that it's because of the situation and not her.

If something happens in the future, let me congratulate you and her.

But don't bank on it.

Live life, meet people, get out there.... and above all, man up the next time you cotton on to someone and stick with it. It may end in happiness or grief.... but it's a real start.

Thanks Doc, your reply really does put a positive spin on something that is so hard to deal with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunmoonstars [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

First of all, let me say I am in a similar situation with a guy friend of mine whom I really care for (I am female). So I understand your pain.

It seems to me that often guys date based on whether it's the right time in their life. This seems to be the case with a guy friend of mine, and I find it really frustrating. He seems to have feelings for me, but he keeps saying he's too busy right now for a girlfriend. If he were to come to me and ask me to be with him, I would want him of course, but I fear I would constantly feel insecure as to whether he would stick around, especially if he had been with me then left me in the past.

She may not be entirely sure she could trust you again after you left her. How is she around you? Does she show signs of still having feelings for you? I think you need to figure out whether she is going with this new guy because she prefers him or because she is too scared to be with you again.

We are very comfortable together, like I mentioned earlier on, we were best friends. However, due to my lack of action, she began to loose the romantic feelings she had for me and has decided to move on. I have no sense of closure because her rejection came about after she started a new relationship. Because of this, I don't know if I would've had another chance to be with her if she was single when I told her my feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spicy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is great advice, you should take it, Confusion :)

I agree =)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yggdrasil [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You may not have closure, or moved on, but she has. She even told you so:

Wake up, it's over. Move on. There's plenty of other galls out there. Life suxx. Learn the lesson and don't make the same mistake again.

She moved on because I didn't express my feelings to her soon enough. That's why I am regretting what I did.
18-06-09, 02:03 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by Confusion [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don’t know how I can move on in the state that I am in.

Well, now you know how she's felt for the last five years. Let her go, man. If she were truly the right girl, you would have been with her this whole time, regardless of your circumstances.
18-06-09, 02:06 AM
Doc Durian

She could have moved on it too though, Giga. Neither did.
18-06-09, 02:10 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Durian [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She could have moved on it too though, Giga. Neither did.

Sounds to me like he turned her down.

Clarification, OP?
18-06-09, 02:36 AM
Confusion

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Durian [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She could have moved on it too though, Giga. Neither did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds to me like he turned her down.

Clarification, OP?

For the first 3 years or so, I've asked her to wait for me because I wasn't ready to date. We both had strong feelings for each other and she agreed, but we essentially became "friends with benefits". When we did try to date however around the 3rd year mark, things didn't turn out because of personal reasons from my end. We went back to being best friends because we were so close but decided the "benefits" had to be stopped. While in this state of friendship, she "told me" she started to loose her romantic feelings for me and hence her choice to move on. The rejection came during her new relationship, but as I've mentioned I can't find closure because the rejection didn't come from her when she was single. Hence, I am very curious to know if things would've been different if I expressed my feelings to her before her new relationship. I say this because she was very surprised by my request for another chance when we had our final talk. It seems like there's still something left between us, but because she's in a new relationship, this matter cannot be solved entirely at the moment. This is why I can't find a means to move on.
18-06-09, 02:42 AM
Spicy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Confusion [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For the first 3 years or so, I've asked her to wait for me because I wasn't ready to date. We both had strong feelings for each other and she agreed, but we essentially became "friends with benefits". When we did try to date however around the 3rd year mark, things didn't turn out because of personal reasons from my end. We went back to being best friends because we were so close but decided the "benefits" had to be stopped. While in this state of friendship, she started to loose her romantic feelings for me while I kept mine in tact but I again wasn't ready to express them.

The old adage "you snooze, you lose" springs to mind. It seems you were content with the notion she was going to wait for when and if you were ready. A safety net so to speak. Things left on the back burner, eventually burn.

Move on, she has.
18-06-09, 06:57 AM
sunmoonstars

For weeks now I have actually been considering telling this guy I love that I am going to look for somebody else to have a relationship with. My hope is that it will motivate him to step up and try to reclaim me again. I feel like I have to make him aware of what he's lost.
18-06-09, 07:08 AM
Confusion

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spicy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The old adage "you snooze, you lose" springs to mind. It seems you were content with the notion she was going to wait for when and if you were ready. A safety net so to speak. Things left on the back burner, eventually burn.

Move on, she has.

Burn I did...

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunmoonstars [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For weeks now I have actually been considering telling this guy I love that I am going to look for somebody else to have a relationship with. My hope is that it will motivate him to step up and try to reclaim me again. I feel like I have to make him aware of what he's lost.

Sometimes people won't notice how much some one means to them until they're gone (as in my case). Good luck to you =)