"Girl Next Door" Syndrome
Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum - I've been reading some of the posts for awhile but just now decided to join. I look forward to getting to know some of you and learning a thing or two. But anyway, I have a problem which has been confusing and frustrating me for a long time, but no one seems to be able to help.
I am 18 years old, in college, and have never had a boyfriend. I have never had a first kiss, never had any sort of "short" relationship (or even come close), have never been in a situation where me and a guy shared "feelings" for each other. I realize that this is not TOTALLY unusual (it does, in fact, shock the majority of my friends, but I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who are/were in the same situation), and I'm willing to accept the fact that - as much as I want one - I may not find a guy for another five or ten years. Many people tell me that I am still "young" and have "plenty of time." All right, that's fine.
But here is where the frustration comes in. I suppose I am fairly attractive (or so I have been told by plenty of people, guys included), and there have been NUMEROUS guys who - upon first meeting me - decide they are interested and try to flirt with or to "court" me (sometimes being plain out obnoxious, like shouting out of a car window). In fact, it seems that almost everywhere I go I run into this. I don't know if it's true, but I've been told that the best way to start a relationship is to become really good friends first and not to jump into anything too quickly. Yet for some reason, whenever I become good friends with a guy, somewhere along the way I end up in the "just friends" pile. This happens even with the guys I'm not interested in, or the ones who seem to like me at first and then eventually just change their mind.
I don't know what it is I'm doing wrong. I'm a fun, friendly person, try not to be too clingy, and I don't even think I do anything to turn anyone off. But somewhere along the way they assume we're just friends and nothing more. There is a guy who I really like and have been good friends with for a while now, and we sort of flirt (maybe it's in too much of a "friendly" way? -- I don't know, I guess I don't really know the difference), but I recently met some of his buddies and he told them we were "just friends," so they started hitting on me. So WHY IS IT THAT HIS FRIENDS ALL SEEMED TO LIKE ME, BUT HE DOESN'T?? He's known me longer, knows me well, and likes me plenty. So why can't he like me as more than a friend? I don't think he has any idea I like him, but I'm afraid to say anything because I don't know what his reaction would be or if he would hate me or think I was annoying or something. And saying that we're "just friends" - does that imply that he definitely doesn't like me or he just doesn't think I like him and figures we'll never go there?
Am I just not being clear enough to guys? How clear is clear enough, and what's too much? You know, to the point that it would be annoying and unattractive? I want to be subtle but not too subtle. Help?
Is it just my personality? Is there any reason why guys would love me plenty as a friend, but never be interested in anything more than that?
Sorry to go on for so long, but I really appreciate any advice you can offer. I'm so confused! :[ Thanks!
FightorFlight, I'm not used to this:
You caught me off-guard by not only reading my diatribe, but responding to it. That's rare around here.
Trouble is, I'm more of a specialist than a general adviser. I mean, I'm expert at finding negatives. Show me a good situation, and I can tell you what is, in fact, wrong; show me a bad situation, and I can unerringly prove to you that it's much worse than you think it is.
I feel that it's my job in life to say "here's the problem, and it's really, really bad." When I do that, I've done my duty. I sleep well that night.
But when you ask me "what's the solution?" you put me against the wall, and make me think, which gives me these evil little headaches (just here, above the ear), and then everything gets sort of fuzzy...
......
But, I usually recover quickly.
......
So, to continue: I certainly didn't mean to say that you should "date any guy who comes along..." God, if I said that, your Daddy would probably track me down and shoot me. At least, I hope he would; if not, I'd have to shoot myself.
And I didn't mean to say that you're "unapproachable." Obviously, you're not. You seem to have a good pool of friends, guys and girls both. You also have a couple of fellows you like, and who seem to like you. Who needs more than that?
You're 99% of the way to your goal just by spotting the one tiny, insignificant flaw in your otherwise perfect makeup* (that "hands off" vibe you think you may give off). I'm sure that now you've recognized the problem, the solution will present itself. Just keep on with your friends and your life exactly the way you've always done-- except lose that "subtle vibe" around the guys you like.
And if you need any help with what I call the "mechanical" part of relationships there are a bunch of folks around this forum who should be happy to help you. I don't know why they haven't showed up yet with some what-to-wear and when-to-wink advice. But I'm sure they'll be here soon, if they know what's good for them, and don't want to start finding dead rats in their mailboxes, and having other tragic accidents like that, if they get my drift.
( * This is flattery, but it's sincere. It's obvious to me from your posts that you're a remarkable girl.)