Depression and Anxiety: Should I stay?
Hello, I really need some helpful advice. I have never talked to anyone not even my best friends about this so I really hope I can get some help.
I have been dating my boyfriend for just under two years I am 25 and he is 30. We have a great relationship for the most part but there are some things that have been niggling away at the back of my mind and I feel lately they are coming to the forefront. After a few months of us dating I learnt that my partner suffered from extreme depression and anxiety. I was the most supportive I could be as I had also suffered from depression. At the time I felt very stable and that I was finally in a really positive place mentally. I did not want to reject him (as other girlfriend's had) or make him feel vulnerable when he told me how he felt. I wanted to nurture him. I could see a really amazing person in front of me, who loved me and still does so much.
Almost two years down the line a lot has changed. We have had our ups and downs and even a near break up. His depression began to bring me down and started to make me feel how I used to. For the most part I am a very strong and independent person, so I had to battle most days to constantly encourage him and keep myself positive. I have never told my friends or family of his depression or anxiety. I didn't want them to judge him or to think 'what the hell are you with him for?'.
Sadly most people today still have massive stigma attached to mental health. I was so determined to make him happy, as I had had success with myself. It seemed to work for a while and then he got really bad again and went on anti-depressants. I found this really hard to accept, I think because I wanted to believe there was some way of healing him without medication. Or that taking medication made the depression even more real. I wanted him to be able to manage his depression by himself and when he felt better her could fully claim that as his own doing. I stayed, it was rocky at first but I stayed.
These things seem so normal to me now, the reason I write though is for a different reason (this is just background). With me he is so full of life,laughter and love. He loves me so entirely, I can really see I am his life. He is supportive, thinks i'm really clever and beautiful and empowered. We get on really well, have a great sex life and his core beliefs match mine. When I first met his family I saw an entirely different person. He was dead silent. I knew he had strained relations with his family but I had never seen anything like it. Meeting the parents for most people is nerve racking, I get a little if not very anxious about stuff like this, but when I get there I step up and come across very friendly. Which is what I did, I chatted away asked lots of questions and his family are so lovely. All this time I have never wanted to make him feel bad about himself, I don't think pointing out peoples flaws helps them when they are trying to grow. So I acted like it was ok at first. Later when we were on the verge of breaking up, he asked why I didn't want to see his family more and I had to say it was because I feel so abandoned when we are there like I have to fend for myself. It's just so odd.
Then it got worse as he then meet my family pretty early on and he was so quite. I don't even think the word 'shy' even illustrates just how silent he was. I could tell my parents thought he was nice and they see how we get on. But I just feel no one is gushing about how amazing he is. Right now I feel almost embarrassed to introduce him to people, he has only met my best friend in the two years we have been together, which to most people seems odd. She is very confident, none judgemental and friendly and she did not rave about him either. I'm not sure if their expectations are too high or what. But you would think meeting someone you would have some opinion!?
I got so tired of friends asking to meet him that I have recently been avoiding seeing them because i hate making up excuses or them commenting that he 'must be imaginary'. Last weekend I started to feel my depression creeping back in, I feel isolated, trapped and so bored with all aspects of my life. Which is crazy since if you take a step back my life looks successful. This resulted in a heated argument with my boyfriend. It was my birthday and we celebrated it by going away (just us two). The following week I wanted to go clubbing with mates (a reduced number so I didn't freak him out) and he didn't come. He only let me know 3 hours before I was going out. I cried so much by myself before I had to put on a smile and go out, the evening was ruined because it confirmed something for me. My relationship doesn't work when other people are involved.
In this heated conversation I tried to tell him how sad I felt, that I was worried that we don't work outside of us, that I was trying to protect him by not meeting potentially judgmental friends. He was really angry saying that it made him feel like an idiot or that I was embarrassed of him. He hadn't even been given a chance to meet them and I was already writing him off. He also thought that it should not matter at all what other people think. I hear this phrase a lot from people but in real life you do care how others see you and you want them to be happy for you. I see where he was coming from but felt like it was overly harsh and that he was robbing me of my emotions. So many nights and days I have poured all my energy into helping him but when I have concerns he always out upsets me so then I end up being the one cheering him up! I just see my life in two paths. I could break up with him and tread that path. Or I could open myself to judgement and see how it goes. I just have visions of me being in my 40s with kids and having to support a crumbling man. I really don't want this to sound harsh. I really love him so so much, so much so I have remained silent and never told a single soul the truth. I am so bad at letting go of people I love. Please help, should I stick it out and just take the plunge or should I call it quits?