Why can't I move forward

[SIZE="3"]After another completely exhausting few days of trying to analyze my most recent break up with the father of my daughter, I feel I need to look outside of myself for some input about my situation. I was seeing a therapist, but because of scheduling I haven't been able to see him in a few weeks. But I still didn't even find much relief in that as he seemed to be as confused as I am!

I met my ex boyfriend almost 8 years ago, 6 months after getting out of a really bad relationship. He was so nice and sweet, but 4 years younger than me and really completely different than anyone I had ever been with before. I was not completely physically attracted to him, nor entirely head over heals in any part of our relationship. But he was a comfort to me, and I could completely be myself around him. He didn't expect much from me, which I am still trying to decide if that was a good or bad thing.

After dating for 2 1/2 years, I started to feel so claustrophobic in the relationship. I would wake up in the middle of the night in bed with him and have panic attacks. Every little thing he did would irritate me. He was not very motivated. He would sleep till noon and never work out. He didn't seem interested in talking about marriage. We never went on a vacation together, and he never put any thought into any gifts he gave. He would always tell me he loved me and he did always want to be with me, but I just wanted him to put more effort into things. I did put a lot of effort into the relationship and I think I started to feel a little resentful. Anyway, when I began to cringe at the thought of having sex with him, I broke up with him.

We began a cycle of breaking up and getting back together for a while. I would miss him and feel so guilty and stupid for breaking up with such a wonderful guy just because I wasn't that physically attracted and because something just didn't feel right. Then when we were back together the same old patterns of me not being into it would emerge and it would start all over again. We were broken up when I found out I was pregnant. We tried to live together for a year and I was miserable. I moved out and didn't date anyone for almost 2 years. I still kept questioning my decision. He is such a good father and person, and he put up with my moods and loved me.

we recently made another attempt to salvage things last year, after we had both dated someone else for a short period of time. A few days into getting back together, I had panic attacks. I literally came home one night after a walk and kneeled down in the living room and said what am i doing? There were a few moments where I thought, I am happy, how could I have been so stupid to let him go. But a few months later, I didn't want to kiss him, blah blah the same old things. So now we are broken up, and he is "casually" seeing the girl he was seeing before we got back together.

So my question is, am I crazy? why can't I just let go? You would think trying things with him about 6 times in 8 years would be enough for me to realize it's never gonna work, but it's not. I still question every day if there was something I could have done differently, or if I am too superficial, or if I am living in a fantasy world thinking that someone is better suited for me out there. I mean, we must keep breaking up for a reason, but my feelings for him must still be there for a reason too, right? Maybe if we had moved forward more quickly; bought the house I wanted and gotten married, the commitment itself would have helped? Do I still love him but I'm afraid? I just don't understand why i can't move on after all this time. He says he still cares about me and always will and he hasn't fully moved on either, but he is seeing someone. Maybe he didn't really love me as much as i thought and he wanted to leave me for this other girl? (God, that kills me to think that could be true.)

has anyone ever been through something similiar? If anyone could give me some advice, or a kick in the pants at this point, I would greatly appreciate it.

I think it's time to slap yourself around a bit. Most guys wouldn't put up with the off-and-on thing you've been doing. His lackadaisical nature surely contributed to his patience. Ironically, that's something that works your nerve.

I don't know what you were thinking, getting knocked up by a guy you felt unsure about, but I did exactly the same thing 12 years ago, so I can't exactly point fingers. As to the question of why you're so semi-attached to him, that's something your therapist is going to have to help you discern. With my ex, it was pretty evident that I had some issues and once they were cleared up, I could no longer tolerate his dragass crap. Maybe this will happen for you and you can finally be free.

The panic attacks are a clear sign that he wasn't the right guy for you. I don't know if you simply lack the courage to go out there and find what you really need or what, but this relationship didn't work for you. Make a conscious decision to look for something better.

Yeah, I think you feel guilty for breaking up with him each time because he wasn't doing it for you despite how nice he is and all that. You can't make yourself feel any different about somebody and if you continue to do it and expect something different or magical to happen, you are crazy. Sure he's a seemingly alright guy but if you aren't attracted to him, no matter how hard you try, you will not be into it. It scared me when I read that sentence about how "maybe if we moved forward more quickly and progressed more into the relationship it would have worked based on the commitment?" You are driving yourself to clear insanity here. You are trying to talk yourself out of it and blaming yourself for being superficial or whatever. And now you have a child that you must share with this person for the rest of your life. I guess only time will tell if it will make things better for you by having this responsibility, but I just have a feeling it won't.

I hope this lesson helps other people reading out there that if you don't feel for somebody, do not continue and think that things will get better. It will more than likely get worse. And cycles of breaking up and getting back together usually solve nothing if both of the people involved have not changed.

I don't know what to tell you because the child changes the whole scenario. I think it's safe to say that you will be much happier with somebody else, although raising a child in a broken home does have it's consequences, and I can attest to that. Not much else can be done though, because you can't fake or pretend to be a happy family for years and years to come..