Confused & depressed about my ex
Alright, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend (argh – no my ex-boyfriend) for three years. We’re both 21. We were faithful, and in love, and we had a very intense relationship. We also had continuous fights, probably because we are so similar. I always wanted to leave him when we fought (because I couldn’t handle the stress) but I never pulled through with it because I loved him too much and believed he loved me. I felt like there was no one else in the world like him, who understood me so deeply. I thought he cared too; we both knew we had an unhealthy relationship and it had to end sometime. But not like this, he’s done a complete turn around over the last couple of weeks. He says he doesn’t want me because all of the times I tried to break up with him had ruined his self esteem. It was a rash end to the relationship; I broke up with him and took him back (as usual). A couple of hours later I got upset at him because he wouldn’t talk to me and wanted to flirt with an 18 year old girl he had met after we had a fight recently. He got so angry at me causing a fuss that he told me “That’s it, it’s over”. Now after he’s dumped me he’s seeing her more and more (although of course one of his reasons for carrying through with the break up was that he wanted to be alone and get his shit sorted, haha, no I'm not bitter ; ) ).
I felt so hurt and unwanted by him and so aggravated by this girl that my self esteem plummeted and I made the stupidest mistake of my life; I ****ed an acquaintance of mine. I felt used and regretted it immediately, even during. My ex is now using this excuse to get over me, calling me “dirty” and saying he will go out with this girl when he is over me because he likes her and she will treat him right. I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for hurting me so much. I know I hurt him, but sex is only physical, the emotional pain I feel everyday wondering if they’re cuddling or if he’s smiling his special smile at her kills me. I feel like he doesn’t respect my feelings at all (he even told me outright to go home because I was intimidating her by having a serious talk to him at the bar we were hanging out at). I still love him but I know he’ll never take me back. Or maybe he is trying to make me jealous, but in that case I’m sick of the games and wish he could be honest with his feelings.
My question is how can I restore my faith in love? I’m so emotionally drained. Of course I’m not ready to start dating at all (unlike him) and I would feel like I was playing a power game if I started flirting with people. I want him back but I don’t know if I want him back for the right reasons. It’s just so hurtful that he appears to have to no problems getting over me and coping with the break up. He’s made more new friends over the past two weeks than he’s done in the last three years combined. Am I really that bad? How do I get over these emotions? And how do I stop these though-lopes of wanting him back? I mean, it’s almost like I want him to want me back, but I don’t want him (as selfish as that sounds), but then I do . . . (etc). Also, unfortunately I feel so bitter that I’m not sure I can even hang onto him as a friend, although he would like that. I would just feel so hurt and used and resentful that he’s endangered a five year friendship for a two week aquantaince.
I’ve been quite depressed lately (my dad has been away for 6 months) and this seems like a very devastating situation for me to be in. I’ve started anti-depressants yesterday, and am hoping they will make me into an emotionless zombie like they did last time I was on them : ). I feel like losing him is like losing a very important special part of my life and I just don’t want to let go. But I can’t keep hoping forever can I? I really don’t know whether he’s being completely insensitive or his getting drunk and flirting with her is just escapism. Anyone venture to guess? Most of my friends are his friends too (oh – don’t ever get into that situation again, Sarah) and although they are great how can I hang out with them when he’s around?
In conclusion: coping strategies (please), self esteem issue (am I that terrible that it's all my fault and he doesn’t want me back?) and deciding whether to still be his friend even though I can’t fathom how he’s acting ???