How well do you have to know a girl to tell them you don't like a behavior?

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04-09-12, 01:55 AM
guitarman17

How well do you have to know a girl to tell them you don't like a behavior?

I'm beginning to be casually involved with a girl (freshman in college to be specific), I'm a junior at a different school.
Now we're not dating (I hope to get to date her though), but how involved do you have to be with someone to be like 'Hey I don't like when you do this?'

Specifically, as soon as she started school she's dropped contact to a very low level, whereas before she would text me first, and often.
I know part of it is she's really busy, and maybe has already met another guy :( but it irritates me that now she'll very infrequently answer my texts, if at all.
The busy thing doesn't cut it, I'm fine with her taking a few hours to respond, but not responding at all irritates me...she NEVER would do that in the past.

I only got to spend a few weekends with her and hope to see her during our breaks, (which she said she wanted to do too) but now she's just suddenly out of touch...it just irritates me that she doesn't apologize like she used to for taking forever to text back (she was always great about it), or give me any clues on what's going on in her life since she got to college.

Do I know her well enough to say "Hey, do you think you could tell me why you haven't been in touch at all? Or not responding to texts" or something like "I wish you'd find the time to let me know what's going on with your life"?

Idk I really like this girl, and it's just a bit shocking to have her almost completely stop talking to me the moment she gets to school.
Unfortunately, I feel like many freshman girls get these irrational ideas into their heads like thinking that they shouldn't talk to past friends at all so that they can meet new people, or stupid stuff like that.

I guess I just feel like I need closure, but we never dated so I don't know how to ask for that..
It drives me crazy the games girls play...didn't think she played them until now.
04-09-12, 01:57 AM
Boisdevie

She just got bored with you. So forget about her and all this 'closure' bullshit.
04-09-12, 02:01 AM
guitarman17

Well I don't see how she'd get bored with me without seeing me...but I suppose on second thought it probably would be bad to let her know that her lack of contact upsets me..sounds desperate right?
04-09-12, 02:37 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

How well do you have to know a girl to tell them you don't like a behavior?

You can tell anyone anything you want. But unless she is invested in you, its likely she will just blow you off.

What I would do is this: ignore her. Eventually, if/when she contacts you (and likely complains about *your* lack of attention toward her) just tell her this:

"Oh. Well we went from texting everyday to pretty much nothing. I felt like you weren't into me anymore so I took it as a sign to move on." That's it. Nothing more. Let her respond (or not).

Notice all the *I* statements (and no accusatory 'you')? Put that in her pipe and let her smoke it.
04-09-12, 11:56 AM
guitarman17

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can tell anyone anything you want. But unless she is invested in you, its likely she will just blow you off.

What I would do is this: ignore her. Eventually, if/when she contacts you (and likely complains about *your* lack of attention toward her) just tell her this:

"Oh. Well we went from texting everyday to pretty much nothing. I felt like you weren't into me anymore so I took it as a sign to move on." That's it. Nothing more. Let her respond (or not).

Notice all the *I* statements (and no accusatory 'you')? Put that in her pipe and let her smoke it.

It's just irritating - she seemed very invested me and then BAM college - nothing.
But that said, I like your advice, and quote; the "I" statement is definitely a good way to go versus the 'you'. Thanks for the advice! Hopefully she'll be in touch...
04-09-12, 01:48 PM
Cerby

If you were interested and waited too long to make a move, your presence got stale. I agree with Boisdevie on this one. Indi is probably right too, at some point she'll come out of the blue saying it was you who stopped texting her.

Forget it, you never dated, you're not entitled to any kind of closure. Just walk away.
04-09-12, 02:17 PM
guitarman17

I mentioned the possibility of a long-distance thing and she said she'd rather wait until I was out of college so we could see each other more often.
She was the first to bring up future plans to hang out, and usually the first one to text me.
It's just that she's disappeared completely in the first week at college from contact.

Is it just some stupid freshman girl thing to think they have drop all past contact with friends/etc. to make new friends? I've heard of girls doing that before.
04-09-12, 03:12 PM
MerryH

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarman17 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I mentioned the possibility of a long-distance thing and she said she'd rather wait until I was out of college so we could see each other more often.

Oh. Then she doesn't want to date you. This was a polite rejection. Maybe she'll consider it after college, but she's probably not genuinely planning on it. I mean, who really says, "Yes, let us plan to date each other two years from now."

It's also possible that because you've let it be known that you want something serious with her, she's not communicating with you as much because she doesn't want to lead you on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarman17 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Is it just some stupid freshman girl thing to think they have drop all past contact with friends/etc. to make new friends? I've heard of girls doing that before.

I've never heard of this. I don't think this is a thing people do. People might naturally fade away from old friends because they're busy with a new life, but I think it would be strange to intentionally sever friendships because you've made new ones.
04-09-12, 03:33 PM
Boisdevie

Long distance is bullshit. Perhaps she quite sensibly decided that a real relationship where she could actually get to see her BF would be better.
04-09-12, 03:47 PM
guitarman17

Quote:

Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh. Then she doesn't want to date you. This was a polite rejection. Maybe she'll consider it after college, but she's probably not genuinely planning on it. I mean, who really says, "Yes, let us plan to date each other two years from now."

It's also possible that because you've let it be known that you want something serious with her, she's not communicating with you as much because she doesn't want to lead you on.

I've never heard of this. I don't think this is a thing people do. People might naturally fade away from old friends because they're busy with a new life, but I think it would be strange to intentionally sever friendships because you've made new ones.

Well I didn't straight up say let's date - said "do you think we'll ever date"? I feel like that is kind of a different question, and she mentioned after college.
So I don't know if that was a rejection necessarily, but I agree with Boisdevie that it might more have been the 'Long distance is bullshit' part. (Boisdevie, btw you are quite blunt - but I see your points).
I feel like it could have been more of a 'let's see where we are in a few years'?

That could be true about her not wanting to lead me on..but even after I said that she kept saying how she missed me and wanted to see me on breaks, etc, without me prompting her.
She initiated texts with me up until the day she got to college, and since then it's been radio silence to a text of mine asking how everything was.
I guess I just find it weird that she cut things off so abruptly instantly, and I'm not sure how to respond.
If she does suddenly start talking to me again, should I respond with the same enthusiasm? Or should I be distant sounding? What's the best way to re-pique her interest and not make her think I'm clingy or what not?

But Merry, thinking about what you said, I think I should have never mentioned anything about dating or being serious when I knew she probably wouldn't want long distance.
Oh well. You live you learn - gotta learn not to try to force things.
04-09-12, 04:22 PM
MerryH

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarman17 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well I didn't straight up say let's date - said "do you think we'll ever date"? I feel like that is kind of a different question, and she mentioned after college.

It's kind of a different question, but the answer was still "Not now." It would be unreasonable to wait around for her for a few years. Go date other people. When you graduate, if you still even think about her (you probably won't) you can give her a call to catch up and see where it goes from there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarman17 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If she does suddenly start talking to me again, should I respond with the same enthusiasm? Or should I be distant sounding? What's the best way to re-pique her interest and not make her think I'm clingy or what not?

When she talks to you, treat her like you would treat a guy friend you've only spent a few weekends with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarman17 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think I should have never mentioned anything about dating or being serious when I knew she probably wouldn't want long distance.

No, it's good that you mentioned it. She gave you an answer and now you can go forward from there, instead of never having said anything about it and pining away for her then being confused as to why she's contacting you less and less. Now you know you should not keep trying to build a relationship with her at this time. Being honest about your intentions with a person is a good thing.
09-09-12, 01:42 AM
guitarman17

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarman17 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well I didn't straight up say let's date - said "do you think we'll ever date"? I feel like that is kind of a different question, and she mentioned after college.
So I don't know if that was a rejection necessarily, but I agree with Boisdevie that it might more have been the 'Long distance is bullshit' part. (Boisdevie, btw you are quite blunt - but I see your points).
I feel like it could have been more of a 'let's see where we are in a few years'?

That could be true about her not wanting to lead me on..but even after I said that she kept saying how she missed me and wanted to see me on breaks, etc, without me prompting her.
She initiated texts with me up until the day she got to college, and since then it's been radio silence to a text of mine asking how everything was.
I guess I just find it weird that she cut things off so abruptly instantly, and I'm not sure how to respond.
If she does suddenly start talking to me again, should I respond with the same enthusiasm? Or should I be distant sounding? What's the best way to re-pique her interest and not make her think I'm clingy or what not?

But Merry, thinking about what you said, I think I should have never mentioned anything about dating or being serious when I knew she probably wouldn't want long distance.
Oh well. You live you learn - gotta learn not to try to force things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's kind of a different question, but the answer was still "Not now." It would be unreasonable to wait around for her for a few years. Go date other people. When you graduate, if you still even think about her (you probably won't) you can give her a call to catch up and see where it goes from there.

When she talks to you, treat her like you would treat a guy friend you've only spent a few weekends with.

No, it's good that you mentioned it. She gave you an answer and now you can go forward from there, instead of never having said anything about it and pining away for her then being confused as to why she's contacting you less and less. Now you know you should not keep trying to build a relationship with her at this time. Being honest about your intentions with a person is a good thing.

I know I'm pretty young but I have dated a few other girls, one of them for 2 years...breaking up with her barely hurt at all compared to this girl not talking to me.
It's stupid, but I feel as if she is the one. She's amazing in every way...except for this not talking to me thing...I've never fallen head over heels for someone like this before.

You're right about the intentions thing, but I still think I shouldn't have said anything, having assumed already she wouldn't say yes.

I just don't understand...why does such a nice girl just stop talking to you like THAT? It just seems so unlike her personality.
Does she realize how much it's killing me, and how much a text from her would make my week?
09-09-12, 06:16 AM
surfhb

You sound desperate and if she read what you just wrote she'd really blow you off. She's just not into you bro....accept it and move on. It happens to everyone and it's a part of life :) the point of dating is to find the person who's into you as much as you are into them. Good Luck!!