If a man does you a favor, and is there for you alot.(long read)
Your 34, this guy is 22. He's been your friend for a long time. You both went out to dinner a few times, he helps you drop your daughters off at their grandparents living in another state. Everytime you say by to him, you always give him a warm hug. And everytime you see him, you smile. You consider him a good person and your best friend. And he even takes you out for your birthday.
One night you end up having a moment with your ex. You still love him but for whatever reason you cant stand him. At the same time the "kid"(thats how you see him) has caught feelings for you and wants to tell you. And you dont want to tell him your pregnant cuz you dont want to lose his friendship. He later finds out from one of your friends and thats when you find out his feelings for you. Since then, things between you 2 has been more quiet and both of you become more jaded. He sees you depressed though and still cant let go of his feelings, and still wants to be there for you. But he doesnt realize that it bothers you alot and it causes rumors. One day you snap at him and tell him things like "I will never **** you! Thats gross!". For a week you both dont talk and at the same time he sends you a long apology on a text. You show it to other people and laters start making comments about how he wont leave you alone and he's crazy, and if you knew he was gonna like you, you would never have been friends with him. Later you text him and ask him if he wants the gifts he gave you back, he says no. And he apologizes for not realizing how much he bothered you. Mind you the guy was a wreck for a week since you snapped at him.
When you both are back at work, you little by little say hi but there's still some tension. The whole mood is like "ya, we're on somewhat good terms but we keep our distance." To him he still wants to be your friend but the way he sees you, he feels like you hate him, and you cant stand him. He later hears rumors that you got married to your baby's dad and at first he feels bad but accepts it. He decides he wants to go back to california. One day he catches you crying and he asks you whats wrong. You dont really tell him, u say your ok. The next week he comes over and just talks to you. The mood is alittle different now. Its just 2 friends after a stressful time having coffee together like the way things use to be. You decide to show him what is wrong. You pull your sleeve up and show him some bruises on your arms. He dont know what to say, except that you really need to get away from him. For him, its like "damn, what can I even do about this?". He's later just going about his own buisness but now things are alos better between you 2. More calm and alot less tension than before. But later you get a call from your daughter that your electricity has been shut off. You see your friend again and ask him if he can talk to you. You tell him how your babys dad has not been there for you financially and you have no money.
You both go into the office so you can show him your account. You barely have any money. You tell him you feel so alone, you ask him for help. He decides after work he'll give you $200 for your bill, hugs you and tells you "your not alone". You say thank you. Later you come back and show him the reciept. But still you dont have money for about 2 weeks. Not enough to go buy groceries. You tell him that but dont ask him for any money. 2 days later he texts you and says "I moved my car bill to next week, I can give you 200 dollars to help you out.". You accept and yo both agree to meet somewhere after work. You arrive at a parking lot with your girls and he comes in. You both talk to one another and he asks you how much you need. He decides to give all of it. You give him a hug him(first hug in a long time) and tell him he's your angel. The next week you see him you smile, it seems like hes your best friend again. Everything for him feels good. Its like the whole feeling that you both use to have is back. Just back to being this blissful companionship between you two. You start listening to him as he tells you about his family and later you start to tell him "Its so unreal that your leaving. I wish you could stay.". He doesnt know what to say, he's already set to go. He tells you that it's ok, you still have your close friend(also a friend of his, but she's the only girl you can relate to). He re assures you you'll be ok. Later after lunch you ask him to talk to you in private.
She asks if you want to do something "crazy". And he tries to figure out what your talking about. What your saying is you want to spend time with him. He wants to go to dinner but you have something else in mind. You want to go to a motel just you and him. He's nervous and hesitant. It would be his first time if he decides. He tells you he dont see you that way. You tell him its ok. He says he needs time to think about it. He's not even sure if its right. But 2 days later he says ok. You give him the name of the motel and ask him to book it.You both decide to take a drive and you show him where you live and say "If I need your help you know where I live". And you even show him where your boyfriend works at. You point to this guy wiping tables while you drive past the bar. You tell him how bad he treats you. You both call it a night, and you make him promise not to tell anyone. After the first time you stop responding to his texts and he asks you if everything is ok. You say ya. He admits that he liked it, and later you both talk about wanting to do it again. He has no money for a room, and you scare him by deciding you want to do it at your baby's dad's house while hes at work. He asks you if your serious and later you just say your joking. But the way your acting is "you better find a place or we wont do it.". He says its ok. So nothing happens. And the last week hes there, he tells you "Look, I just want this to be a good week between me and you. If you dont want to do anything like that again, its ok. I dont mind spending the remainder of my time here just spending time at work". You say its ok you just been tired and he says ok. But on your way home, you call him and tell him to set a day and time at the same motel. And it happens again. This time he tells you that he loves you, but he nervously says it. The next day he doesnt come to work, but he texts you to see how your doing and you ignore it. He comes in on friday and go to your side of the workplace. Your mood is pretty cold. You dont pay attention to him, and its like you dont care that he's leaving. Stressing him out. He gives you a gift though. A necklace. You tell him it reminds you of your dad. The last hour hes about to leave but you just say "ok by", and not even look at him. He keeps asking what is wrong and you just look like you dont even care. He leaves.
Its about a month hes been gone and you ignored his texts and myspace messages. He hears rumors about you and he talks to a friend of yours and says that according other people you were a user. She shows you and you text him and tell him you read what he said. He calls you and apologizes. You tell him that it damaged the friendship and he cant do anything to fix it. Your cold towards him in the whole conversation while he's even saying please. He later sends apoligies to you that you still ignore. He calls you and you tell him off. A month later, he decides to talk to your firend. She listens and she tells him all the things you said about him. He decides to tell her about everything that happened between you two. He asks her not to tell anyone, but at the same time, she can tell you. He just wants to talk to you and get answers for why you changed. Before he left, you said you hoped he'd come back and he was thinking about it. Him and your friend both decide to confront you through a letter. You snap at everyone. According to you he just wants to ruin your reputation and get back at you for not wanting to be with him. You say he's lying and he never helped you. No talking since then.
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Overall, I was that "kid"(thats what she said she saw me as).
It was a confusing time for me. I dont know what love is, but what I felt for her was like I'd kill for her. I know she was older than me. And she even told me she had alot of luggage and I was to young to get into that.
I got too paranoid when peole told me about her. I was so afraid to find out the ugly truth that I meant nothing to her. I still dont know.
I talked to her friend hoping that maybe she can talk to her, but it got ugly. I'd do anything to get her friendship back. Its been 7 months since I saw her. Since I left. I still feel lost and still hurt for her. I cant feel for anyone else and it hurts me to know that she probably erased me from her memory.
If I was wrong, please tell me. Im sorry to her for hurting her if I did, if I misunderstood and took things the wrong way. And I know she had a boyfriend, but I felt bad for how he treated her.
I dont know if I made a bad decision by leaving. If I was a coward for not staying. Be honest, rip me apart.
And another thing I want to know from the women here, would you hate me, or stay mad at me for the rest of your life? Or would you ever be able to forgive me?
Eversince I came back, Its been tough finding a job. I left the best job I had, and now I work at a burger joint and trying to get by in school. I just feel so worthless right now. Especially when I think about how much I probably failed her. I want so much to contact her but I try to avoid it. I try to get over her but theres always some things that remind me of her. Of "perfect times", and I'd give anything to get that back. Last message I sent her was months ago, and I told her that I felt what we did distorted everything. I dont know if she would be offended by that. But she told me she looked at more like a brother. But what we did distorted all that and I probably ended up being a mistake to her. Id take back what we did if it could fix things. Its so confusing, I dont even know how to look at it.
