Please help me decipher My Ex's last mails to me. 5 yr old relationship ends.

I am 31, my ex was 34. We were in a long distance though very loving relationship for 5 long years, despite differences in our religions & our nationalities. (He comes for a conservative asian family! Also, he lost his biological father when he was still a baby, and was later raised by his step father, who always controlled his life…. My partner always felt he owed everything to him!) We had thought we will overcome the cultural barriers with time. And believing thus, both of us endured a lot of hardships during these 5 years. But unfortunately, things deteriorated post april this year, due to immense pressure from his family. The communication reduced, and after putting up a brave fight (this is what I have been told), my partner, eventually under severe pressure gave into demands of his family and married someone from their community.

What hurts me the most, was he never faced me since, he didn’t even tell me he got married (His uncle was the one to play the medium between him, his mother & me. Apparently, I have always felt, his uncle – divorcee in his 40s, always took keen interest in me. There were times when he would call me for hours every single day. He always talked negative about my partner and always invited only me to his place for vacations & holiday. I felt so bothered that I eventually had to complain to my partner about this. He initially felt, his uncle was only trying to make me feel comfortable, but soon started feeling awkward when he himself witnessed the no. of calls and the long conversations he made!!! I still feel this uncle messed up a lot between us, but he can't be blamed entirely, for my partner stopped communicating completely in the most crucial hour of our lives. )

In his last two mails to me, he said he had no courage to look into my eyes or face me, but he loves me a lot and will never be able to love anyone else ever…..

27th Nov. 2010
“__________ i lost whatever i had. i do not want to face you and i don't want to believe that we have lost either, but the fact is yes, apparently we have lost. i saved my family my mother and sacrificed you. but it happened. i don't have courage to face you _________. i am counting my days (since he said, he will die without me!!! ). hugs. what happens now i have no clue. love you loads.”

Last Mail: 28th Nov. 2010
“______ there are things now which are beyond my control. yes we can not love anyone else. its a fact. the only option i been given is that marry in ______, or ask _________ to move here. and they are very firm about it. the last two months only i know what i been through. i called you to tell you alot, but i failed. and you were upset as well. i cried infront of ma (my mother) like a child, ask her. our family was on the verge of collapse. father (his father) simply stopped talking with mother (his mother) and i don't want to say more on it. miracles not happening for us. atleats for now (Atleast for NOW!!! Is it that he is suggesting, NOT NOW BUT MAY BE LATER??? Is he telling me there's hope to cling on??? That he might come back???)”

And after his last mail to me, came the real stunner…..

On 30th Nov 2010, his uncle writes me, that my partner got married, and his wife (!!!!!!!) opened his mail box and read my last mail to him. That it is NOT GOOD FOR ME TO WRITE HIM IN THIS SITUATION.

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I felt so sick…. none of them told me that he had got married behind my back, whenever it was! That he was still communicating with me as if he was still single. I felt so betrayed, it broke my heart….. one wrong, and everything turned upside down….. to the extent that now I feel did he mean a single word he uttered in the past 5 years. Suddenly my 5 beautiful years looked ugly to me now….. Was he lying to me all along? Was he hiding things from me all along???

….Last week, no matter how upset I was, and still fresh with the wound, I wanted to believe him, and every word that he had uttered …. Believe me it was the most satiating bond, very fulfilling, I felt complete with him, and we could feel each other’s presence strongly despite the physical distance…. there were times, when I would be thinking of him, and the very next second I would receive his call…. it was something that I am unable to explain….. I really felt, very strongly, we were soulmates…..

But now that it's already been 2 weeks, I feel very bitter, very angry & I want to confront him. This is one man who I pulled out of illness and saved his life 5 years back only to see this day in my life, when he's made me sick, and has left conveniently without even bothering to answer me a thing! My health has deteriorated drastically…..

I have all kinds of thought running in my mind… I don't even know if he loved me all these 5 years…. but then I even wonder, why would he hang around for so long, if he wanted to leave anyway. He was of marriageable age, his family had been nagging him all along, and like he has vanished in thin air today, it was easier for him to vanish in thin air, even then!

Please help me understand this! And if he meant, what he's written in his mail? And why would he leave alone to suffer, without giving me a closure, if he really loved me and wanted me to be strong? And what do you think is the reason, that he's till date not uttered to me that he got married???

Please help. I need a closure. I really need peace.

You mention religion and culture holding you back and I can assure you, Asians, particularly from the subcontinent, have a major problem with the mixing of religions and races.

You don't mention the religions and cultures, that is your own choice of course, but it would help me explain a bit about the situation more if this were provided.

However let's say one of you is Muslim and the other isn't, Islam would allow him to be with you if you are a Christian or a Jew, otherwise it's not an option. Some Muslim families are very strict about marrying other Muslims, which of course from a religious aspect is correct. Let's say it's the other way around, then again religion comes in the way.

Whichever race your from shouldn't be an issue, but if either one of you are from a strict religious family, it seems he is, then it will be an issue and both of you should have discussed these matters in the first 5 weeks not after 5 years.

Unfortunately I don't think there is much to read into here. He is married and writing you letters. He is not satisfied with his current relationship and is contacting his ex-girlfriend expressing his guilt, and regret. He made a mistake and you should not have to pay for it. You do not want to give him a person to blame for his guilt. In other words, don't engage in an emotional relationship with him during his marriage. You do not want him to transfer any resentment onto you. I would suggest giving a reply stating as long as you are married this will not work. If you want to get a divorce and marry me that is your choice. Until then don't contact me. There was a thread highly similar to this one posted a few weeks back. Almost exactly the same. You may want to browse the forum 2-4 pages back for those responses. However there isn't much you can do. Please try to move past him.

I don't understand why you can't see things from his end. It's obvious he loves you and is so torn apart over this. He is trapped within his culture and beliefs. He has no choice but to marry through an arranged marriage...his family expects it of him. You are not alone tho, I have read many posts like yours. When you have a relationship with someone of such traditions, in most cases the traditions win. Let it be a lesson learned, and that love does not conquer all.

This really is a sad story, and I know some others like this... it's infuriating when this kind of racism/intolerance thinly disguised as "tradition" gets in the way of what seemed to be a happy relationship. But I guess he basically had to choose between you and his family, and he chose his family. Others might have done differently, but in Asian culture family is the cornerstone of society, they believe the worst thing you can do in life is to disappoint your parents. I know this from Chinese friends.

The only thing you can do now is to try and move on, remove yourself from his life so both of you's suffering is somehow minimized. Sorry.