Can you really be "just friends"?

So I dated Dan for 2.5 years - he seemed perfect for me - quiet, kind, and gentle - he put his whole heart out there and I adored him. After we had been together for a while I realized I was pregnant and through painful soul searching, Dan and I placed our son with a family. (We put him up for adoption but we picked the parents - I just hate the "put up for adoption" as it sounds like we just left our son at the hospital!) The reasoning - Dan is an alcoholic, I don’t mean that he likes to drink every now and then, I mean that after being together for months he suddenly went to the bar instead of work and ended up on an 8 month drinking binge - where alcohol was the most important thing in his life. I took care of him through the whole thing, so pregnant I was about to pop he would show up at my house and pass out on the floor and I would pick him up and drag him to bed. When he threw up I cleaned it up. No matter how ugly it got I was always there, but when our son was born he was at the bar and that was a little much for me. Six months after our son was born - we broke up. He would show up at my house drunk and I would not open the door. I would sit in the hall in the dark praying that he didn't hurt himself or anyone else while he was driving drunk.

It took me a full year after our break up to begin dating again. The first two dates I went on I ended up in tears afterwards. I just couldn't believe that I had lost someone that was so special, and that dating was so hard and sucked so badly. I have remained friends with Dan's family, particularly his Mother who tells people that I am one of hers. We all feel it is important that we remain in touch for Dan and my son.

So here we are a year and a half after the end. I have just started dating someone that I like and can date without crying like a big sissy! I have made several attempts to be friends with Dan but they usually don't go over well. I don't know why. Every time we run into each other everything seems okay - unless he is drunk.

Can you ever really be friends with an Ex or once that line is crossed is there no going back?

J

i think if you love someone, you can't ever really be friends with them, regardless of any fronts you 'could' put up, at least for me, its just too hard, hurts too much, and i cant change my feelings.. so in order to be friends i would hafto go against every impulse, and feeling i had, and aside from the pain- i just dont think thats right

Very often, it's hard to be friends with someone you used to love. BECAUSE of the strong emotional attachment. Sometimes people think that the attachment would make it easier or help you to be 'better' friends or 'closer', but usually all that happens is it stops one or the other from moving on, and confuses them for that much longer. Most instances I've heard of someone continuing to be friends is when it was a mutual breakup with them BOTH falling out of love before the breakup.

However, as a guy, I would never date someone who was friends with an ex. It seems like I'd be "playing with fire". Since the two had once been together, and once had a flame together, constant contact with each other would be (to me) just THAT much more of a chance that that fire might be rekindled. Or even that should for some reason she be upset with me, she goes to HIM for comfort, and she remembers the 'good times' they had together, cheats on me with him, etc.etc. It's just too close for MY comfort.

Bottom, line, I just don't see how you can be friends with an ex. Friends with someone that it never seemed to work out with, sure. Friends with an old crush that never liked you, sure. But friends with someone that was THAT close to you and expect not to have dificulties in future relationships with feelings and whatnot? I don't see it happening.

Alexi

PS - As for your child, what you decide to do is up to you and I would never make judgement on you as a person for it (unless you ended up ABUSING your child or dumping it in a garbage bin like that goddamned prom girl or something). Adoption is a respectable decision, one that I'm sure probably was VERY hard to make and it sounds like you did it wisely, taking your time to pick what you hope would be GREAT parents to the child instead of just trying to ditch it as fast as you could.

I'm really not sure the answer to this question. I guess it depends on several factors - the most major being how it ended. If it ended with someone wronging the other then no, friendship doesn't seem salveable, if at all wanted....

If the relationship ended badly somehow, with feelings being crumpled and people being hurt (perhaps by no real fault of any party) then its more difficult. I know my ex wants to be 'best friends' with me but we still love each other. I dont know how to be his friend. I dont know if i can just be his friend. I love him so intensely that it makes me cry to think he thinks of me as a 'friend'. I dont want to lose him as we are so close and i couldnt bear my life without him there, but when you throw love into the mix and a good relationship to boot then its so difficult. I'm not sure how this story will end, looks as if i've only just turned the page into the foreword unfortunately.

My other ex, i'm not sure what happened there. We split up when i went to uni after being together for 8 months, as it was no longer working and he had been having doubts. It hurt like hell, but i figured i could be his friend. We talked and stuff and we got on, but it was nothing like before, he changed, became more of a jack-the-lad and his attitude started to p*** me off. We just kept bickering and then we didnt really talk so much anymore. I saw him when i came back home from uni and it brought all these feelings flooding back that i thought i'd shaken off and gotten over. I found out he was with someone else and it hurt so much. I think from then on, we pretty much lost contact. And it didnt help that i found out he slept with my (ex) best mate shortly after we split, and prob whilst we were still together. So a few pints over the head and slaps later, I couldnt give a fook if i saw him again. This is all such a shame though for someone who played such a large part in my life for 8 months. Now all seems like a distant memory and pales into significance when i think of my current love. I just dont want the same to happen here.

So can we just be friends? We can but try.

Jules-I had a friend who was in the exact same situation-having to decide what to do-they were seniors in HS. They had been together for like 2 years too-and they chose Nathans parents as well. My friend Lannie had to move-it was too difficult for her-remaining friends with his family was so difficult for her-after she had the baby her and her boyfriends relationship went to the shitter-he moved and so did she-but I know when they saw one another it was too hard for her to deal with the pain and the memories...she had decided she couldnt be friends with him and thus moved on with her life.

I think it depends greatly on your mental status...and your own strengths to remain friends. Youve tried with him and he just doesnt respond. Why put forth so much effort into something when you get nothing in return?

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Originally Posted by squirrley

I think it depends greatly on your mental status...and your own strengths to remain friends. Youve tried with him and he just doesnt respond. Why put forth so much effort into something when you get nothing in return?

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I had posted this a while ago - shortly after Dan had called and apologized for being goofy and we had talked about having dinner. I came to the same conclusion when we tried to actually HAVE our friendly dinner. He was always busy and always telling me to call him and I realized it was CRAP.

The two prospective men in my life are much better for me so I am going to focus my energy on positive, worth while channels and things with Dan are in his hands.