I have hidden the truth/lied to the love of my life for 2.5 years. Can this be fixed?
The love of my life, ily, and I met and began dating about 2.5 years ago. We seemingly had similar expectations and values despite our very different upbringings, and insane chemistry. About a week into our relationship ily was told that I had previously been sleeping with a waitress from the restaurant where we met. Keep in mind we spent more time together our first week than I’ve spent in other relationships over the course of months. When confronted I lied, or masterfully avoided the truth. So I lied. I said the other girl and I had kissed and left it at that. When the subject emerged I always avoided or deflected. I did this not to mask feelings I had for the other woman, but to avoid judgment for a mistake I had made in the past. I lied so that I could have a chance with this amazing new person I had found. I was not her first either; she had sexual encounters and relationships that were less than respectable in her past as well. I knew that she was insecure and I compromised my honesty to avoid bringing out her insecurities, and also to retain the image of morality I wanted to project. I never cheated and never would have; I was never even tempted. She was/is the one for me.
About a year ago we broke up. This happened for numerous reasons, reasons that I would attribute to her insecurity, and reasons she would attribute to my negative reaction to her insecurity. Long story short, she went straight back to her ex and slept with him. When I found out for certain that she was back with her ex I gave up all hope and sought solace in the arms of another. A few weeks later ily was at my door; the love of my life, out of nowhere. She had a family tragedy, and things hadn't worked out with her ex. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no, and we picked up right where we had left off.
A few days later the interrogation began. She had leveled with me and told me about sleeping with her ex. I told her that I forgave her, and for the most part I truly did. I was still hurt, and doubted her loyalty, but I was willing to try again because I still loved her. I asked her if she would accept and forgive me had I done the same. She answered "No." Shortly after her confession she began to inquire into my escapades. I offered the same response/lie as before. I told her I had kissed someone and it ended there. I lied, again.
A little more background… This woman literally got up and walked out of a pg-13 movie because the women on the screen were wearing bathing suits and I did not look away. She threw away my magazines (rhymes with axim) and demanded I cancel my subscription. If I laugh at another woman’s joke or smile at one of her friends she would feel threatened or "disrespected". I have catered to these insecurities for over 2 years, and made some progress. I’m in love with her, despite all this. We were getting better. We had recently backed off physically and started practicing accountability and honor. I hadn't proposed marriage yet for two reasons: I couldn't say my vows knowing she believed a lie, and she wasn't all in.
A few nights ago I dropped her off at her apartment on pleasant terms; she even blew me a kiss from the balcony and said she loved me as I left. I called her on my way home and we talked until we both went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and text her and told her I loved her as I normally did. She responded angrily, (not uncommon for her to wake up angry and insecure) saying she hadn't slept well and she knew I was hiding something about the waitress from before we met. This subject hadn't been mentioned since before she had left me for her ex. I evaded and eluded and turned the focus to why it mattered. For two days this went on, one minute she would say she was going to trust me and the next back to anger. My attempted subject change instead of denial or affirmation was fuel, and rightly perceived as an admission of guilt. She was furious.
This anger spiraled and she demanded explicit details of the waitress encounter, I refused. It wasn't long before she asked about our break and if I had misled her about that too. I quickly responded, “No.” By this time I had already been discovered and decided to finally be honest. I immediately told her I had slept with someone on our break. I tried to qualify my deceit, claiming none of the events occurred while we were together and that it’s wrong to judge. I also played the “I forgave you” card pointing to when she had lied and slept with someone else. We havent spoken since I told her the truth. Yes, she’s insecure and there are many issues there, but we have made progress. Yes, I lied, but not out of malice or even in an attempt to mislead. I wanted to be perceived as loyal and not promiscuous. I bent the truth to deflect a judgment that would have been a lie. Our relationship was a roller coaster, but I can say with confidence that no one can love her as much as I do. I could never offer another what I have given her. I have had relationships in the past, long-term relationships. I have never loved like this, ily is the one. She is worth it, whatever it is. What can I do to fix this?
