Blaming myself :(

Hi everyone,

Me and my girlfriend broke up about 2 weeks ago after I had found out she had cheated with my best friend. Later on I've heard from a friend of hers that she wanted to break up for me for some time, but she just couldn't. It was very painfull to hear this. Now I can forgive her for the fact that she has cheated and loved two other people then me. All I think is that I can't blame her for doing that because she wanted to break up anyway. Anyway, in those 3 years that we have been together we have only spent 3 nights together and we never had sex because she was so religious, every time we were together I had to bring her home before 11:30 pm. There were times were I picked her up everyday with my dads car, I told her a hundred times a day how much I loved her and I hugged her all the time, I bought her all kinds of presents and I wrote her often to tell her how much I missed her when we weren't together. But now comes the bad part. I was very dependent of her, I know that isn't good, but I just loved her sooo much. And she was dependent of me too, she was a very insecure person, she cut herself and she often told me she hated herself and how insecure she was. But she never wanted to talk about anything, she said she wasn't a person who liked to talk much. But now I'm wondering... she did try to talk to me, its my fault because I didn't listen well enough to her, I didn't ask the right questons or respond right. But she did talk to many other people about very personal stuff I never knew about, things that bothered her about her family etc, I had to find this out by hearing it from other people, or getting emails she had sent others. And often when I asked her if she could change something about her for me she would often say "I am who I am, if i'm going to change for you it's not my choice anyway, would you like me to change without it being my own choice?". When the relationship started going downhill, about 4 or 5 months ago, I started to ask more things, things she should do for me, because she never came to me, I always had to go to her, she never bought me a gift or the last period send me any nice emails or messages, so I asked for these things. But she wouldn't budge. And there were many times in our relationship where she would ask for something and threaten to break-up, and then I would cry and start working on it. But it all came to a horrible climax, for about the 6th time she told me she had doubts about her relationship, but that it wasn't me it was just that she was so confused about everything in her life... i snapped, she hurt me so bad, she had hung up just about every call I made at a certain point so I went to her, and I screamed at her, and then she hurt me some more. So I grabbed her at her arm, and also pushed her one time, after which I immediatly started crying and told her how sorry I was and that I would never hurt her. It was just too much. A couple of days later she told me she wanted to break-up, then I cried again and begged her to stay with me, she then told me she had cheated, but she promised me it was someone I didn't know. Then we told eachother that we would try again. But that she had cheated just consumed me, so I read her email (yes I know, it's very wrong of me, but I just needed to know), and then I found out she had cheated with my best friend, and then again I confronted her with it, and since then I haven't spoken to her, her stepfather told me our relationship was over, he also told me that it wasn't necessarily my fault, but that she had problems, as I had problems (immaturity and dependent). Now I'm wondering who the person to blame is. I'm constantly blaming myself, maybe I should have listened to her more, maybe I shouldn't have given her so much kisses and shouldn't have such high expectations of her. What should I do? I don't know what to do with the things inside my head :( If it's my fault, I don't want to let her go, I want to let her know then how sorry I am and that I will fix it what I've done wrong, like the other things she asked me to change about myself.. :(

It seems to me that your problem may be fear of being alone. Do you really miss her or do you just miss having someone to love? Why was she so great?

I guess your right. When I think back there isn't really that much great about her. There are some traits of her that I don't think I can do without, like her curling up on the couch waiting me to hug her, sticking out her bottom lip and looking at me with those eyes filled with tears, and instead of talking nodding to me like a little child. I guess it felt good having a girlfriend that was also my 'baby' from time to time, where I could be the father figure... Is that weird? And will I ever find this in someone else?

I called her today because I found some startling messages to her 'lover', not that it mattered anymore anyway, the relationship had to be over, I don't think I would ever be able to trust her again. But I had a panic attack and called her, and we spoke a long time, and she asked me to also keep thinking of the good memories, but they are just too painfull, all I could ask was if it would every be okay between us, if we would get back together then. I cant think of the good times, it makes me want them back sooo badly. She told me she doesn't see any hope anymore. I am very hurt that she doesn't see any hope anymore, I'm just too affraid to let go of my 'teddy bear', the person that was always my little angel, that would sleep in my hands as I watched her. :( And I'm just shure that I will never find anyone with those traits again. But she did meet with my best friend often and hug eachother and even kissed eachother one time... but that was in the end when the relationship wasn't going so well. So maybe I can't blame her that.

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Originally Posted by altnickee

I guess your right. When I think back there isn't really that much great about her. There are some traits of her that I don't think I can do without, like her curling up on the couch waiting me to hug her, sticking out her bottom lip and looking at me with those eyes filled with tears, and instead of talking nodding to me like a little child. I guess it felt good having a girlfriend that was also my 'baby' from time to time, where I could be the father figure... Is that weird? And will I ever find this in someone else?

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That sounds like it could have come out of my mouth just over a year ago. I still miss those type of moments..... a lot.

I really do think your main is not completely related to her as a person. I think you should focus on being comfortable with yourself; as a stand-alone human being.

By the way, she is completely to blame for her cheating. Don't make excuses for her. People need to completely end one relationship before starting another.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by altnickee

I guess it felt good having a girlfriend that was also my 'baby' from time to time, where I could be the father figure... Is that weird? And will I ever find this in someone else?

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It's disturbing that you grabbed your "baby" by the arm and pushed her. I think you find that disturbing as well.

I think you should seek out a completely different kind of relationship next time. This thing isn't working for you.

BTW, how does someone who is so religious they won't have sex going to cheat? Did she actually sleep with someone else?

Hmm... complicated story...

First of all, you are treating this breakup like science... something you can analyze and prognose (is that a word???) and fix... and that is quite the wrong way to go about it. There is NOTHING you could have done to fix this or prevent it or change it... NOTHING. Life happens the way it does, and this is all part of growing up. I am honestly scared for you that you still want her back... I would really implement a no contact rule for at least 2 months... if you live close and go to school/work together, then an absolute minimal contact. You need time to think and recalibrate, and talking to her/seeing her/checking her voicemail and email is NOT going to do anything but hurt you more. Trust me, been there, done that, as I'm sure many people on this forum have. We will all tell you the same thing (mostly:)) It's over, you need to move on as soon as you can.

I also sympathize with all the things that you won't have anymore; the cuddling, kissing, how she looks, what not... It is hard, but you will need to slowly let go of those things. DO NOT go out and immidiately try to replace her with someone else, that is no good for you and NOT FAIR AT ALL to the other person, but it sounds like you are still too hung up on this first chick to do that anyways...

Really, all I can say is get up and move on. Pick up the pieces, whine all you want about how unfair it was, (not that you are whining, just that I know I did:)) It really sucks, but it will make you so much stronger for when the right person DOES come, and she WILL, so be ready when she does, not whimpering around over this girl who cheated on you and is no longer with you. I can't stress it enough, it really sucks, why do you think there are so many songs about breakups? Theres a lot of emotions just raging around trying to find a place, and there really is none. It takes time, ALONE! You will be a much stronger, better person after you learn to pull yourself out of this. You can do it:)

Thanks everyone for your support, it helps a lot.

I just feel so enormously betrayed, I just can't believe the person I loved so much would do anything like that to me, while she often told me how much she loved me. I know it's best to let go. But altough she told me that she wouldn't start a relationship with the person she had cheated with (my best friend), I keep thinking of the sweet things she said to him in the emails, I just can't forget about that, that she told him that he was so special and that it was so nice to hug him and that it was faith that brought them together. And all those hundreds of phone text messages, she told me he was just a friend. :( And then there is the other side, all the nice times we had together, I'm so confused. Altough it's definately over now, I don't know what to think of her. Would it be easiest to just try and hate her? I am also affraid to death, that no matter how good care I take of myself the coming time, that even in years to come it will keep hurting like hell. I just want the pain to go away ;`(

You were buying her presents and telling her how you loved her? Man, that will **** you. She wasn't as far into the relationship as you were, sounds like she was still playing that bullshit attraction game.

Ugh... I hate hearing stories like this.


I suggest you forget about her very quickly. Get another girl.

Easier said then done unfortunately... I was replaced with someone else by the person I loved most in the entire world, that hurts like hell, that she didn't want to hear my voice before going to bed but his. By the way, I spoke to her two times over the phone yesterday, that was a very bad thing, I cried and I told her I didn't want to lose her. She was ok to me, but she asked not to think badly of her, to forgive her, and I asked her to forgive me. But now I think, and this is a really important question for me, should I try to hate her for what has happened, to relieve the pain, or should I also think of the nice moments we had together, altough that will bring painfull thoughts and me wanting them back?