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I have not had luck with ANY guy.
I always end up getting clingy, obsessive, impatient. I can't live day by day.
I just want to be happy, trust and live day by day, moment by moment, but anything and everything sets me off.
They "seem" to be distant, I freak out. Most people will give it time and be patient, within reason, but I can't seem to. I let my emotions explode, and I am tired of it:(
I want to stop, but I don't know how.
Help....and this has been going on for YEARS. Vicious cycle...
How old are you? And, since you started dating, what's the longest period of time that you've been single?
I'm 28. Longest period I have been single for is about 1-2yrs.
Longest I have been in a relationship is about 9 months.
Most recent was with someone younger, 21. Who never wanted or could never commit. So I just hung on in hopes that he'd want the bf/gf relationship. We acted as though we were together, but weren't officially. It was also long distance, but I did the same to him. I am surprised we even continued that long, but the distance probably help draw it out.
For me even as a guy, despite what people see as a cool, laid back exterior, I know that i'm an emotional wreck a lot of the time on the inside. A few things that I think help to solve those problems. The first one is trust. I know I wouldn't trust a person overnight or anything but once the relationship gets to a serious stage, trust is very important. Once you let go and trust the person, that takes care of being clingy. Trust not only helps you to relax about the person's whereabouts or who they hang out with or things of that nature, but it also gives you an at ease mind to know that they love you and are coming home to you at the end of the day. Of course with trust there always comes risk, but the greater risk is to let fear overcome you and eventually maybe even become the reason for your relationship to end. Insecurity, I think we all have that problem to an extent. But hopefully your partner will be someone who re-assures you of why he loves you and wants to be with you. As for what you can do for yourself, try to think about all of the positive qualities you bring to the table.. Don't let your mind get filled with doubt or negativity. Impatient and crazy... Again, I'm one of the most impatient people out there as well, especially in a relationship. I don't like not knowing whats coming next, and my mind goes at a million miles an hour to try and figure it out rather than living for the moment and letting it happen naturally. I think that even in a relationship you need to make sure to have your own life. Try to do things outside of work or whatever it is you do, try to do some extracurricular activities to occupy your time. The less free time you have the less time you have to worry about your partner, or whats gonna happen next with your relationship. For the overthinkers, give your mind something constructive to work on. I don't really know how well I answered your question but hopefully it helps a little.
Get your ass to a therapist. This is fixable.
Do you see a therapist? Have you before?Quote:
Originally Posted by SeriouslyLackin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You've been at it a while and it hasn't been working. You are 28. I'm 27; I know what it feels like to be at a certain age and really feel like you want to get something good going. But it sounds like you have a lot of issues standing in the way of you being happy with someone. You should seriously consider seeking help in a clinical setting. There's no shame in it -- a LOT of people do it.
Yeah, um, men aren't too keen on clingy and insecure to put it mildly! You are just pushing them away with the whole load of ker-razy. You need to address why you can't be more relaxed and laid-back - why can't you back off and play it cool?
I have been to a psychologist previously, but for different reasons, anxiety mostly. I am sure depression and OCD accompanied it also.
I had always thought that the anxiety was why I was so clingy, etc. But now that I don't experience much anxiety, if at all, the clingy, needy girl still exists in me.
Why can't I just back off and play it cool? With a life time of doing the opposite, it's a hard habit to break.
But, I have since (yesterday) bought a book that I am hoping will help, and I have not talked to the one guy in a few days. If I haven't ruined it already, I will do my best to back off and play it cool.
I will give it one last go on my own, giving it 200%. If I crumble up and fall apart again, I will def go see someone.
It's not that I choose to be this way, I just always have. I thought that I would meet a guy that would accept me for me, but I am beginning to face reality. I HAVE to change, or else the best thing that could be for me might be, or have already walked out my door :(
I think I might have pushed him beyond his tolerable line (and he's insanely patient/tolerable)
But here's hoping, and here's to backing off and playing it cool.
You could just accept that it's just the way you are and find someone who is equally as obsessive as you, and loves the attention you would give him, since you are an obsessive type. I say that because those exist, my boyfriend and I are totally obsessed with one another. Unhealthy? Not for us.
I have a question for u SeriouslyLackin...have you had reason not to trust guys in the past? From my personal experience, in my previous marriage, I had no trust and know that he could not be honest for one second. BUT, i do have to say, he gave himself that title. For the fact it hurts the person you can't trust only hurts yourself in the end. I let my ex husband's ability to be untrusted carry over into my current relationship. I was hurt and trusted NO ONE! Not friends, not family...I was fortunate enough to find a guy I could totally trust and that reassured me that he could be trusted, but in response I told him to prove to me that he was trustworthy. It's been a year now and I have gained trust and respect beyond words for him and my family.
Now, I did see a therapist every week for the first 6 months and once a month there after. My advice to you (and you can take it or leave it) is to go ahead and see a therapist and start building trust for yourself. You can't expect to have trust for someone else if you don't for yourself. It sounds like a fear that you don't know what ahead of you, but yet you will never know if you don't trust the person you are with. They will shut you out and give up hope on ever being trusted.
I've personally learned to trust someone until try give you reason not to, then in the end, you are not at fault for pushing them away. Instead, if they do something that causes you not to trust, then they have to live with the consequences. I hope this helps and if you have any other questions, feel free to ask.
I have had trust issues, because of the way I was brought up; to trust no one.
But now I am trying to lay off, play it cool. But he's not even talking to me, we talked on Sunday. Good conversation, he said he noticed something is different about me. I'm trying to be me, live my life for me, and not be upset if we don't talk for a few days. Thing is, if he actually wanted to try and see where things go, you think he would put in more effort.
We are suppose to be going to a concert on Tuesday together, he farms, so he won't know until the night before if he can go. But really, if he isn't going to talk much, then what's the point. Or should I play it cool about this too, go to the concert, and if he can go just have a great time and just let it be....
How long have you guys been going out? Not talking for a couple days isn't uncommon early on (first couple months), sounds like you may be reverting back to being clingy.
We dated 4 years ago, broke up and just got back into touch last November, been talking since, seen him once, and suppose to see him again Tuesday.
I just *started* the whole trying to play it cool, since November I have been clingy, emotional, etc. So, I dunno, maybe I am throwing him through a loop by not being needy, clingy, wanting to talk. I haven't texted him once, if he texts me I will talk, but don't drag it out or anything.
We both said we would like to try and see if anything is there still, but my actions in the past few months have probably made him no longer interested.
I need to change for me, but yeah part of me wants it to work out with him. Maybe it's just a matter of time, maybe he's not the one for me.... So I should probably just live my life and whatever happens, happens, I suppose lol.
I cracked, I texted him.
Said I think we're exes for a reason and we should keep it that way. It's super late, so he won't reply tonight, or even tomorrow. I know he's talking to other girls. And I can't get past the anger I feel when I know he is.
If you want to criticize me, that's fine. I know how I am is not very good, not healthy, whatever you want to say.
It's my own fault, I know more than I should. I know people who know him and know he's talking to other girls. That's why he's not talking to me very often.
Meanwhile, I'm here trying to be a better person, when I mean nothing to him. If this is harsh, again sorry. I am bitter right now, but hopefully I will fall asleep and wake up not so bitter.
This is the only place I can seem to vent, so thanks for listening and offering advice.