Hello, I have not posted here in years, so I will consider this my first post.
About me: 38 years old, male, divorced for 3 years, 2 small kids, finance professional.
I met a woman 2.5 months ago who is the same age as me, 1 child, divorced for 4 years. We fell in love very quickly, and have been basically inseparable. We have been exclusive since date #2. I consider her the love of my life, and we talked about a future together. We want to eventually be married end of next year. I moved to an apartment 7 minutes from her so I could be close to her. We are very compatible in every way. Sex has been beyond amazing.
As of 2 weeks ago, I started to worry about her exs. coming back into her life. She confided in me that an ex-bf, whom she dated on and off since her divorce wants to get back together. This time she told him no, and formally decline his request to ever be friends again. She has made every effort to calm my insecurity, and I am grateful. For some odd reason, I have been thinking about how many sexual partners she has had since her divorce 4 years ago. I don't know why I became obsessed, not that it would matter. I think I suffer from retroactive jealousy. One morning I asked if it's okay for her to remove everyone she dated from her Facebook, since she doesn't keep in touch with them anyway. She said ok, no problem. Last friday, I decided to put my obsession to rest, and called her at work. I asked if it's okay to discuss our sexual history, and she said okay she has nothing to hide from me. In my mind, I anticipated about 11-12 sexual partners in the last 4 years, considering she's online dating but is only available every other weekend because of her child. She counted 8, which was the same number as me. She mentioned one of them was a bad mistake, and one of them was with a penpal 18 years older than her. One long relationship (on-and-off), and rest were short relationships. We laughed about it, and that put my mind to rest for a day. For some reason the old penpal kinda stuck in my head. He's in another country, they met up 2 times 2 years ago when he visited, and he never came back. I don't know what bothered me more....his age or his casualness. I always thought my woman is cautious about sleeping with people, and this man was a penpal for 2 months, and they slept together when he came to visit. Yeah I was bothered.
Yesterday was her daughter's birthday, and they invited me to join in an outing. I took some anti-anxiety drugs a few hours before, and I think I took too much. It gave me an adverse reaction. I started interrogating her about the old penpal. At first she gave me the details I asked. When I asked, "was his performance any good?" she answered "it was good, but not spectacular like the sex we have." For some reason I felt she was holding back. Maybe the old geezer was really good in bed, and she didn't want to hurt my feelings? She then told me he was still on her Facebook because she didn't consider him as an ex-BF, and he was the brother-in-law of her best friend. She didn't want to cause any drama with her best friend. Then I started feeling really bad, and she told me to stay behind and not mess up the birthday. I went home.
I think the medication affected my judgement. I got really mad, and wrote her an email about how she lies...and how disgusting it was that she slept with an old man. Then I texted her "It's OVER". She texted back, "I am in shock...I can't believe you are doing this." I passed out for 20 minutes, and then I realized what I had done. I begged her to forgive me, as I did not mean it. I really didn't want to break up... what came over me? I love this woman so much... I was completely wrong. That night I went over to her place to explain and apologize. She was still really mad. She told me she couldn't believe I would leave her just like that. I explained I didn't leave her...the text was out of frustration. She explained that the old guy meant nothing... she never even thought about him after he went back. She said I am the love of her life, and no one has ever rocked her world in bed as I have. She doesn't think about anyone except me...day and night. But now she is scared that I would abandon her for insignificant reasons. She said now she is tempted to slow down and put a wall up just in case I try to break her heart again. She cried, and would not touch me. She said she had to hold back her tears all night while pretending to be having a good time with her daughter. I felt so bad. I am still feeling bad. She went out of town with her daughter, and I won't see her till this Saturday. I have written 3 emails and several texts asking for forgiveness. I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist to take a look at my issue. I don't want to lose her. I messed up. I am so sad. She texted me today to tell me she still loves me, and that she forgives me. But I feel I did some irreparable damage. I don't know how to convince her that I would NEVER leave her, and that this ridiculous episode would never happen again.
Ladies: Can you forgive a man you truly love after he messes up like this?
