New to a relationship, am I worrying over nothing?
A little back story.. I'm 22 years old and grew up in a household where religion was pounded into me from a very young age. Up until a few years ago, I went to church multiple times a week and was in the mindset of not even wanting to kiss a guy until I was at the alter. This all started to change once I moved out and started making a path for myself, the most drastic change happened after I returned from spending a year volunteering abroad, I now feel opposite. I think sex is very important in any relationship and if someone doesn't want to wait until marriage, then that's their personal decision. (It's also very unrealistic to expect a male to wait, and kind of selfish in a way. I'm rambling).
Due to my upbringing as well as some personal reasons I decided to wait to date. I ended up realizing that if I don't get out there soon, I'm never going to have the courage to open myself up to someone. So I joined a dating site about a week or so before Thanksgiving. After a previous experience with the same site, I was extremely hesitant and very articulate about my stance on everything dealing with sex, relationships, religion etc. I started talking to an amazing guy and we made plans to meet up. So here I am, 22, freaking out because I'm getting ready to go on my first date ever. The guy was so nice and cool about it and instantly I felt safe and happy and all the good feelings that someone should have when seeking a potential significant other. A few weeks later after a late night at a diner, I bucked up the courage to tell him just how little experience I had...
I had never been kissed. After the words came out, I sat there, fidgeted and tried to not show just how big of a deal his reaction was going to be. I was suprised and pleased when the first words out of his mouth were commending me on how I can just get what I want to say right out there. He didn't make a big deal of it and I felt such a weight lift off my shoulders. He told me that he isn't going to pressure me into doing anything and essentially I'm calling all the shots when it comes to the physical side of our relationship. ('I'm willing to set aside my urges for you. I don't want us to move to fast and ruin what we have'). A couple days later ,on Christmas Eve, we were sitting on my sisters couch, watching a movie and we kissed. I was thrilled. And embarrassed. I had no idea what I was doing. And I cringe.
Over the next few weeks (I guess now it's technically months), we've gotten a lot closer. We communicate a lot. I can't even remember all the times we've talked about where we want to go, what we want from each other and especially sex. He knows more than just about anyone else about my change of view and he still has given me reign over what, when where and how we do things. There's the back story.
About a week ago, he and I were at my house, watching a movie. One thing lead to another and we end up making out. For a while now, things have been getting pretty heated. Recently, we've been talking a lot more about sex. Mainly, he's asking me questions. While we were 'watching' this movie he said something that really kicked my butt into gear, which was 'I'm getting a lot of mixed signals from you.' (This was in regards to the fact that I was straddling him and yet he was sensing some hesitation from me). I was flustered and made no sense with what I replied back to him, but it really made me think and I ended up sitting down and writing how I felt about the whole subject of sex. And we had a great talk about it. He and I are totally on the same page. He completely knows how I'm feeling, which makes me really happy.
Fast forward to a few days ago. Things yet again, get pretty hot between us. I realize that when I'm sitting on his lap that no, that is NOT his belt buckle that's pressing into me. After a while, the subject of sex is brought up again. Mainly by me saying that I'm worried that he is going to feel frustrated with having to 'show' me all these new experiences. I bring up the fact that while I want to wait a while longer to have sex (for reasons such as Birth Control), I want to try other stuff, namely... Blow jobs. I said 'I mean, I don't really think I want to do it right now, but it's something that I've been thinking about. And I want to be able to make you feel good.' I forgot where exactly our conversation went after that, but we talked more and things were good.
The next day, he was over at my house again, 'watching movies.' After a little bit, he started fingering me. The thoughts running through my head were a jumble, and I didn't stop him. I didn't want to stop him, not because of anything I was getting out of it, but because I was hoping that it would somehow get the point across to him that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with him and where we are going. Because we are. I ended up on top of him after he stopped, and I asked him what I could do for him. He said 'well you could go lower,' which I knew what he meant. I looked at him and said yes. And in a blur I was giving him, or trying to give him a blow job. I only did it for about a minute. My brain was overwhelmed and I was clumsy and felt incredibly embarrassed at how I had no idea what I was doing. He told me it was okay to stop, and so I did. After a couple more minutes, I asked him if he would tell me what to do, and he said he would. We hung out for the next few hours, and it was really nice. I had a lot on my mind, especially after my dad had walked in on us making out a few hours later (I know, no big deal, but that was my first experience with that).
Over the past couple days he's seemed a little distant.. Normally he initiates conversations over text, but it's been me. And the conversations seem to go no where. I can't read this. I don't know what's going on and I'm afraid texting him and asking him will make me seem clingy. So I'm trying to just take it a little at a time and get over it. I realize that the other day things just happened too fast and I went from never having seen a penis, to having one in my mouth. If anything though, it just makes me want to move forward even more. I even went to the store and bought different kinds of flavored lubes and some bananas to practice on.
Am I worrying over nothing? I really like this guy and I'm starting to feel comfortable enough to think that we could have a future, but sometimes when he pulls away like this I get nervous and I feel like an exaggerated amount of stress. I just want to smash my keyboard. Or something.
Side note, guys or gals, I would also appreciate some detailed tips on blow jobs and hand jobs. Or at least send me to the right place to learn about them. I'm getting tired of reading the same articles again and again.
