Why do I want to go back??
I am new here and it's nearly 2am and I have work in the morning so must get to sleep but I haven't been able to sleep for the last week because I can't stop thinking about getting back with my ex.
We were together nearly 4 years. He is an alcoholic and I am a stubborn moody woman. We officially broke up in feb and I haven't spoken to him for 2 months (I have seen him though) towards the end of the relationship I had caught him chatting to girls online (but he said it was also men) that he just wanted to talk to them, which as usual I took personally and I had taken to hitting him which is why I left.
He drinks because he has had a very hard life, I didn't really pay attention to how hard things must be for him to cope with as he's good at hiding his feelings and I suppose I always thought I was making excuses for his behaviour. I have been major depressed for as long as I can remember but now I seem to have come out of it. I feel so happy and confident (it's weird) that was up until 3 weeks ago when my mum said she'd seen him and he had mentioned about another girl liking his hair as well and well she told me... I was shocked at my reaction to it, I was very hurt. I haven't been able to think about being with anybody else and here he was.. So he was on my mind for a few days and then we have a lot of mutual friends so they always (inconsiderately I might add) ask me if I've seen or spoke to him... errm still 2 months later NO! I went on holiday last week and couldn't rest or sleep at all as he was on my mind and I had quite a few dreams about him so I spent a lot of time analysing it and have come to the conclusion I am not in love with him any more but I love him and I am seriously grieving for our future. I haven't felt like this since we first broke up but I think the half of my mind screaming leave him had a lot to do with me being seriously angry with him for his alcohol related behaviour and his lies to me.
I look at the way my parents ended and the way they were vile to each other for most of the time. I make a huge point of trying to avoid doing that but on reflection was still really awful to him. It was always about what he did hurt my feelings and made him feel really bad about whatever it was bringing him down. Never thought to stop and work out why he did it in the first place and nag him a hell of a lot less so he felt like he could turn to me without wondering if I was going to be annoyed at him. His parents were the complete opposite to mine, they would pretend things never happened and his dad was an alcoholic too. Which is where I got so frustrated with him for he's been on the receiving end of it all. I sometimes think he was messing with me doing things on purpose to annoy me, if it was a game though I was just as much to blame, it takes 2 to play.
I want to have him back in my life, not even a relationship at first just as mates (cos we were great at that), I would just love to tell him all that I've been thinking about over the last week and see if we still have a chance to save our future. Thing is I said a really horrid thing to him one of the last times we spoke and he refuses to talk to me now. I want to change and be the calm understanding person I am with others and not let him push my buttons. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I want to be 100% sure before going back that I'm doing the right thing or am I just flogging a dead horse??
I'm sorry that this probably doesn't have much structure to it but I need to get this off my chest before trying to sleep again.
Thanks :)