I've lost interest, feels like she never really had interest

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07-10-12, 03:02 AM
Brechin

I've lost interest, feels like she never really had interest

2011 Summer, I met a wonderful girl her name is Nikki and she was 18 at the time. I was 22. We met through her sister that I used to "date" (2 week relationship I was deployed to Iraq the entire time). Anyhow we started off like any other normal people, we hung out for a few months and then I expressed how I felt about her. She told me no at first because she was dating someone at the time that never came to see her. They were pretty much long distance relationship. After more
months she broke up with him and I stood by her side every step of the way. She got into a car accident in December and again, I never left her side. As you can imagine that had an impact on her and we started dating. Immediately after
we started dating she went to Florida to visit for christmas.

She returns and then we were unseperatble. She started wanting space, and I freaked out and made a big deal about it gave her reasons why she shouldn't be hanging out with these people (pill addicts)... Of course she didn't take my advice
and she went anyway and took pills came home trashed. She ended up pissing the bed that night and wouldn't wake up. I carried her into the bathroom and gave her a bath so she wouldn't get a rash and put her right back to bed.

For 9 months I cooked her dinner every night, I would rub her feet, give her massages, buy her anything she wanted if I had the money. Pretty much she was my number 1 and as long as I put a smile on her face nothing else mattered. We used
to have sex all the time now its rare to get it 3 times a week she has a recurring problem with an infection (PH levels get thrown off balance from detergent or something)

This entire time we have been together if I ask her for one thing she doesn't want to do it and gets fussy, if I ask a favor same thing. She has never gone out of her way to show me she really loves me. Like I've never received a present for a
"just cause I was thinking about you reason" She's never done anything for me out of the kindness of her heart only does things for me now if I ask her (most of the time it leads to an arguing). She likes to put me through a guilt trip when I have a problem with our relationship. When I confront her about things she gets defensive instead of wanting to work on the problem or ask me why I feel this way. Or she might say "i'm sorry you feel that way" but of course she puts on the
tears and sobbing show to avoid the subject or make me feel bad for bring it up or speaking my mind.

Recently I've come to the point where I can careless about where our relationship goes. I've made comments like "I think you need to move back home, I'm sick of you etc..." Fact is I'm not sick of her but I'm sick of not being treated the way I treat her. Now I don't treat her like I used to because she never did anything in return and I felt unnapreciated and it took its toll on me. Now I treat her how she treats me... Like we are together but its not that serious...

I don't know what to do or how to save us. Does anyone have some advice?

P.S but if her friends ask her for something she all so willing to jump at it and do it for them.. Her friends have never made an attempt to even come see her she always goes to them why do they get the best of her and I don't?
07-10-12, 03:23 AM
Boisdevie

If you're not bothered about the relationship then why to save it. It isn't worth saving is it?
07-10-12, 03:32 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She returns and then we were unseperatble. She started wanting space, and I freaked out and made a big deal about it gave her reasons why she shouldn't be hanging out with these people (pill addicts)... Of course she didn't take my advice

Not your call. You get to tell her that you're not ok with it, and if it's a boundary issue you can tell her so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

and she went anyway and took pills came home trashed. She ended up pissing the bed that night and wouldn't wake up. I carried her into the bathroom and gave her a bath so she wouldn't get a rash and put her right back to bed.

So she was so bad off that she should've gone to the hospital, but instead you took care of her with a bath. You showed yourself to her that night that you're a great safety net, a safe refuge. She took advantage of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For 9 months I cooked her dinner every night, I would rub her feet, give her massages, buy her anything she wanted if I had the money. Pretty much she was my number 1 and as long as I put a smile on her face nothing else mattered. We used
to have sex all the time now its rare to get it 3 times a week she has a recurring problem with an infection (PH levels get thrown off balance from detergent or something)

The yeast infections/ph balance is more likely a difference in your body chemistry than from her soaps.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This entire time we have been together if I ask her for one thing she doesn't want to do it and gets fussy, if I ask a favor same thing. She has never gone out of her way to show me she really loves me. Like I've never received a present for a
"just cause I was thinking about you reason" She's never done anything for me out of the kindness of her heart only does things for me now if I ask her (most of the time it leads to an arguing).

This is your expectation. You're getting angry at her because she's not meeting your expectations. You have different relationship ideas, and punish her for not meeting yours. You need to live with it, or not. Expecting her to change for you is unreasonable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She likes to put me through a guilt trip when I have a problem with our relationship. When I confront her about things she gets defensive instead of wanting to work on the problem or ask me why I feel this way. Or she might say "i'm sorry you feel that way" but of course she puts on the
tears and sobbing show to avoid the subject or make me feel bad for bring it up or speaking my mind.

These are your assumptions about her motivations. I'm betting that she gets defensive because you make them about her faults, not really about working on problems - in other words, it's a personal attack.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Recently I've come to the point where I can careless about where our relationship goes. I've made comments like "I think you need to move back home, I'm sick of you etc..."

Now you're beginning to become indifferent. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. The comments you're making are deliberately hurtful because you want to drive her away.

[QUOTE=Brechin;833730]Fact is I'm not sick of her but I'm sick of not being treated the way I treat her. Now I don't treat her like I used to because she never did anything in return[/end]

More unreasonable expectations. You expect her to conform to your relationship needs. She's also complained about wanting space, meaning that you're smothering her. You two simply have two different relationship styles, and you're not really suited to each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

and I felt unnapreciated

THIS is a real emotion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brechin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

and it took its toll on me. Now I treat her how she treats me... Like we are together but its not that serious...

I don't know what to do or how to save us. Does anyone have some advice?

P.S but if her friends ask her for something she all so willing to jump at it and do it for them.. Her friends have never made an attempt to even come see her she always goes to them why do they get the best of her and I don't?

Do you WANT to save it? It doesn't sound like it to me. If you do, you need to get some couples counseling. Learn some better communications techniques (like "I Statements" .

But be aware that it won't work if you're not both committed. Frankly I think you should probably just give it up as a bad job.
07-10-12, 03:49 AM
Brechin

Quote:

Not your call. You get to tell her that you're not ok with it, and if it's a boundary issue you can tell her so.

Your right its not my call, and I told her I wasn't ok with it. I didn't scream or yell at her...

Quote:

So she was so bad off that she should've gone to the hospital, but instead you took care of her with a bath. You showed yourself to her that night that you're a great safety net, a safe refuge. She took advantage of it.

No she didn't need to go to the hospital because she told me what she took and how much she took. In the military I was a medic... I knew just how to treat it... with an IV but I didn't have an IV to give her. But when she only takes 1 xanax
its hardly life threatening.

Quote:

The yeast infections/ph balance is more likely a difference in your body chemistry than from her soaps.

Could be so, however I doubt it because I've never had this problem with past partners. I even went to get myself checked. However we don't use the same soap or the same deteregent and she does not want to try anything different... I've used rubbers and it still happens to her... So again I doubt its me.

Quote:

This is your expectation. You're getting angry at her because she's not meeting your expectations. You have different relationship ideas, and punish her for not meeting yours. You need to live with it, or not. Expecting her to change for you is unreasonable.

Actually I don't get angry I get depressed sad and lonely. And no I do not punish her for anything. and asking her to change is not unreasonable... I've changed a lot and so has she through communicating our problems.

Quote:

These are your assumptions about her motivations. I'm betting that she gets defensive because you make them about her faults, not really about working on problems - in other words, it's a personal attack.

Yeah thats BS... I think for DAYS and DAYS on how to word things just to avoid hurting her feelings and to avoid coming off too aggresive or angry. Most of the time I bring things like this up i'm almost in tears because I know its going to hurt her.

Quote:

Now you're beginning to become indifferent. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. The comments you're making are deliberately hurtful because you want to drive her away.

It was actually an outburst during one of her assaults on me...

And the reason why I haven't given up already is I beleive if people work at it long and hard enough everything will work out in the end... I'm beginning to think it isn't true.
07-10-12, 03:55 AM
HeartIsAching

So now you've demonstrated that you didn't come here for advice, but to validate your own opinions. Fine with me.
07-10-12, 04:47 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

This is your expectation. You're getting angry at her because she's not meeting your expectations. You have different relationship ideas, and punish her for not meeting yours. You need to live with it, or not. Expecting her to change for you is unreasonable.

I think that ^^^ is the entire and ongoing problem. Why don't you try reading "The Five Love Languages" together so that she knows what your love language is and so she can stop showing you how she loves you in her own language instead of yours. Read the book or google for the jist of it and see if it resonates with you at all. You might also find "Getting The Love You Want" helpful.

Currently you're sounding very passive agressive, op. Instead of all this "I did this for her and she did nothing for me" type thinking why not try to find a resolution? Nothing is getting resolved and your disharmony with one another just keeps compounding. If you can't resolve then you're putting good money into bad and it might just be time to pull out before you lose your entire investment. Act to resolve. If you can't do it on your own then get help either through reading or through professional guidance if you both are to indifferent to do the work necessary to get you back on track then you might as well bale now.