Girfriend doesn't like the way I treat my dad

I pretty much have zero contatc with my dad. He cheated on my mom multiple times and emotionally and mentally abused me. I could never do anything right hen I was younger. He would call me stupid or dumb and would even tell people I was gay(though I'm not).

My girlfriend knows all this and understand I have some resentment towards him. Now that I have gotten o;der and have moved out the past couple years he has tried being nicer to me. I blow it off though. Sometimes I feel bad, but then I think how he acted towards me and I then don;t care. My girlfriend said I act like an asshole towards him and I should forgive him. I told her he should have though of this when I was younger

what should i do? should i forgive him?

Yes, forgive him. Forgiving is not about accepting what he did to you. He was wrong. Forgiveness is really for you. When you forgive people, you release that bondage its much easier for you to move on. Don't give anybody, especially him that kind of power over your life. People think forgiving is forgetting and its not.

However, you don't have to deal with him or like him. Don't go out your way to be hateful but don't fool with him. Tell your gf she needs to back off and you appreciate her concern but it's not her place to determine how you act and what and when to get over something. That's between you and your dad and the discussion is over. End of story.

Tell your GF that you are not ready to forgive him, and will in your own time. She has no place to tell you what to do because this is none of her business.

If you can't be civil to him, cut off all contact with him until you are ready to talk.

You know sometimes you just need to put certain people in our lives up and away "on the shelf". If you get my drift?

not her problem

As corny as it is, watch The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood because that movie presents a similar conflict..

Bottom line, what I'm going to tell you (and what you'd see if you watch the movie) is that you can't change the past. So, what your father did to you happened, and I understand that, but it's the past. It does not have to define the future, and it won't unless you make it define the future...

If he's acting nice to you now, allow him to. I'm sure this isn't any easier for him than it is for you, but now is the time to allow him to be nice to you. Why? Because he is trying to make things right. I'm sure he understands that it's impossible to just undo all the wrong he's ever done in his life. No one denies that he can't go back in time and stop himself from treating you the way he did. ...But no one also denies that the future has yet to be written, and this he understands. Thus, he's trying to make it that the future is not like the past...that you two will still be in each others' lives.

Now, maybe after giving him a chance for a while, you'll find that you still no longer want him in your life. And if that is your choice, that's the end of it. But first, to get to that point where you can choose, you have to allow him to try- give him a fair chance... Because otherwise you're chopping off an infected hand before you have time to see if the antibiotics work, theoretically. And does that sound smart? I don't think so.

Let him try.

I think you've received a series of good advice so far. While I certainly see the wisdom in keeping a bad person out of our lives, I found Rowan's post about second chances particularly insightful. All in all though, it's your choice and your business how you deal with your father.

What to do with your father aside, you need to ask your girlfriend to accept that you will do what's right for you .....and to keep her thoughts to herself.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What to do with your father aside, you need to ask your girlfriend to accept that you will do what's right for you .....and to keep her thoughts to herself.

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I agree with this. ^ There are a lot of cases I've heard where people allow their partner's viewpoint to dictate their life. You need to remember that it's still your life, no matter what you decide to do. And she should not be trying to control it, as she is not you and, therefore, does not know what is best for you.

I was just thinking about girl who threaded her dad very good and always talked about him cared for him, asked if hes alright and made sure other people dont forget about him. It was just nice to listen. That kind of girl makes you trust and respect. Its almost like she respected herself(Decent looking girl). Then again her dad was peacful guy so it was easy for her to be nice. Hard to say what came first good parenting or being good kid.

Dude you can remember bad things about past or you can remember when your dad changed your diapers. You grew up and are still alive. You used to live in his balls remember? If you apreciate your life you will apreciate people who gave it to you. In the end old people just like dogs are afraid to be alone and do have faith in love.

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Originally Posted by moonpies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I pretty much have zero contatc with my dad. He cheated on my mom multiple times and emotionally and mentally abused me. I could never do anything right hen I was younger. He would call me stupid or dumb and would even tell people I was gay(though I'm not).

My girlfriend knows all this and understand I have some resentment towards him. Now that I have gotten o;der and have moved out the past couple years he has tried being nicer to me. I blow it off though. Sometimes I feel bad, but then I think how he acted towards me and I then don;t care. My girlfriend said I act like an asshole towards him and I should forgive him. I told her he should have though of this when I was younger

what should i do? should i forgive him?

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I don't know... has he shown any real remorse? Has he apologized for his behavior and made some real attempt to change, like getting counseling?

If not... then **** no.

I haven't voluntarily spoken to my mother in more than a decade. We're both happier that way.

I can tell you from my perspective, that if he's being 'nicer' now, it's because he wants something from you - your attention.

Your GF is wrong.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you've received a series of good advice so far. While I certainly see the wisdom in keeping a bad person out of our lives, I found Rowan's post about second chances particularly insightful. All in all though, it's your choice and your business how you deal with your father.

What to do with your father aside, you need to ask your girlfriend to accept that you will do what's right for you .....and to keep her thoughts to herself.

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True... but how many chances does he get? Second, third, fourth, fiftieth... when does it end?

I choose not to engage in abusive relationships.

I hear you HIA. I am not one to keep destructive people in my life.

For the OP, do you prefer that your dad didn't interact with you at all and dont act nice to you? People make mistakes and so are you and me, i know you were hurt and i can feel that you didnt move on just yet. But maybe your dad is trying so hard to make you realize that he wants to make it up to you bec. he is aware of what he did before that hurts you until now. Ive been there, my dad cheats on my mother multiple times, I saw my mom cries in front of us when I was still young bec. my dad gambles, cheats and wasting our money for his selfishness. Now im 26 y.o and my dad totally left us and he is with some blonde girl twice younger than his age, am I mad? I was, did i already forgive him? Yes for a long time now. Why? Bec. I deserve it, i deserve to be free from all the anger i felt towards him since I was a kid, I can never forget how my mom looks when she was crying in front of me bec. of a heartache, but I cannot change anything but to learn from my mom's experience. Your lucky that you still have a father and he is trying to make it up to you, hell yeah I want to be in your position but my father totally forgot that we are still existing. Please just allow your dad to do what he wants to do for you, just allow him and pls dont be rude to him, bec. maybe that makes him happy right now, time will heal and you will be able to forgive, u dont have to rush but just acknowledge the thought of forgiving him in the future, anyway this is your life not your girlfriend. God Bless.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

True... but how many chances does he get? Second, third, fourth, fiftieth... when does it end?

I choose not to engage in abusive relationships.

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It depends on what kind of relationship you're talking about, but when it comes to family issues, it is more sensitive than the others.