Repost with formatting Confusing relationship multiple breakups

We have been on and off 2 1/2 years and no more than 1 week not together aside from recent it’s been almost 2 weeks we’ve been broken up. We have broken up 6 times I think but I’ve lost count. We had broken up 5 times in the last each usually a different reason she broke up with me.

First it was because she thought I didn’t want to be involved with family and that she was still loving another in her past. I dont need to go into all of If but we would say things that we both need to fix when we would get back together. She wanted me to kiss her more say cute things more, hug more cuddle more, say pet names use hearts and so forth. And I am ok doing that but it never seemed like I was doing enough for her. She would break up saying I don’t feel Your even listen or trying to do better and I am affraid for the future. It seems that we can only show our true feelings we we are broken up and talk about it calmly at that time. We’ve talked about communication being a major factor and how we both need to not worry about if we say something that makes the other person upset. Somehow this is still an issue for us.

We have gotten back together in the past because she had said that she is affraid of the future and what if this Happens or tha there are other reasons as well she says she feels unhappy but also she feels happy when we are together for the most part. She has mentioned that it’s possible that her depression could be effecting her happiness and her self drafting thoughts could be effecting the relationship. Along with this she is unsure if she is even supposed to be with a guy but still feels attraction,love and other feelings with me. She also doesn’t know if she unhappy because she should be with a girl instead. She’s confused by her feelings as am I confused.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to support and be there for her the biggest issue I believe was on our 1 year anniversary. We made love and she started crying I made the mistake of ignoring that and I walk-in the room and when I came back she asked why did you leave and I said I couldn’t deal with it. She goes through depressions and has been made fun of and ridiculed her whole life by Her parents. She left and would not let me touch her or try and comfort her (someone she feels very safe with)at all clearly there was something majorly wrong this was not like her.

We talked about this later and she said it was because she felt unloved and that I didn’t care. I apologized as I know I should have been there for her. Leading up to this I was trying to support almost every night or ever few days when she was crying trying to find how what was wrong and most of the time she said I don’t know I just have depression. I felt bad I truly did and I tried to tell her in so many different ways. Recently though leading up to our breakup I found the real reason why and it was b cause of something so bad that happened in her past triggered her to think of it during sex. Of course it hurts me to see this and now that I know that is the reason I honestly feel sick to my stomach every night not only because we are broken up but I just feel tremendous guilt and shame that I abandoned her like that because Im truly not a person that would do that I care so much for the ones I love and I want to do anything to support them. I wish I could take that night back so much.

Also there was an issue of her feeling rejected by me. Sometimes when she would want to make love I would not. I tried to reassure that it’s not because I don’t enjoy it or love you. For the most part when we saw each other other we would make love. Me feeing something that for the first time with this girl I’ve been so open more than anyone else and I have never truly never felt anything else there was an instant attachment and attraction and connection from day one from both of us.

The negative thoughts and incidents have seemed to have built up and it’s hard because she thinks negatively about most situations and the past. We’ve tried talking about things usually end up in an argument but then Im thinking it was solved positively in the end and to me it was over small things but important things. Honestly we share so many of the same values and views in things we do not fight over finances or some of the major issues couples do fight over. Our fights/arguments are never violent but they usually do become defensive and sometimes things are said that are rude or disrespectful. She has mentioned she feels like I treat her more like a friend than a romantic partner and lover.

Recently she had become more distant less wanting to spend time with me and taking less and so forth... I asked her if she still wanted to be with me and she said it isn’t that simple. She loves and cares for me and she says that she wants to be with me and needs me but she needs time to think. Also I told her that I would leave her alone to think and she said she didn’t want that she just needs time to think. I’m affraid this is the end and it’s heartbreaking that I can’t necessarily get a straight answer and the words she is saying are meaning different things based off her actions.

The night I said I’d give her time to think she message me saying that” she does not know what to do, her friend is going through a hard time” “I give her my input and she says that she my friend not yours and I’m supposed to take care of her not you” anyway after this talk a little she said she just need my support so I gave it to her. She said she didn’t want to talk on the phone but that it I could send her voice messages that would and help sing her a song that would help her feel better so I did and she ended up saying she was feeling better. We’ve been taking about our past more and more things we both could of done differently she said she knows she see more things negatively than the positives. I understand her alot more and she understands me a lot more after this I believe. Although we seem to understand each other a little bit each more after our break ups because that seems to be where we truly talk about our feelings. I absolutely want to be able to talk about these things in he relationship and not when broken up but we’ve tried and have had some success but not much.

She had knew resentment was growing towards me and she had kind of hinted at these things in the relationship but it was never completely said or known to me. She did say she was trying to fix it in her own. At this point we agree that she is resenting me and that she needs time to Think if she wants to attempt our relastionship again. This hurts me as I’m here willing to try yet again and yes it’s been many times but his time I believe we have found the true cause of 80% of the issues based off this resentment and if we know the problem of can be fixed along with communication issues.

Along with her liking girls too or she is unsure if she does like them more than guys or not. It’s essentially up to her and I understand that and will support any decision she makes but it’s so hard to understand where she is currently at. As we are still talking about the relationship and trying to understand each other’s needs better communication has been difficult for us because we have both been affraid to say things for fear of hurting another or fear of another’s reaction to something said.

She talked the other night on the phone with me and she wants to be the only one to cut my hair and asked me to try a shirt on. Based of her messages and responses I feel like she wants make it work but is afraid to try again and is affraid if she should even be with a guy. And maybe being with a guy and not a girl makes her un happy. She doesn’t want to talk in person because she said her emotions can effect her decision gets back together without thinking logically about it. To add to this she is unsure if she is supposed to be with a guy or a girl as she is saying she likes girls more than guys.

Ultimately we’ve truly been trying to make this work every break up has resulted in us understanding each other better with regards to feelings and how to read each other’s emotions. This time has hit me extremely hard as I truly do want this to workout between us and we’ve both known it would be difficult and is difficult but we have been willing to try and do what we can to fix this relationship. It’s hard for both of us although this time around for the break up it seems she is taking it not as hard as she has in the past and I am finding it the hardest of all because I think I’ve lost her for good this time. After her being distant for 2 months this could have been her way to try and make the break off easier albeit still difficult. It’s a struggle we do not live together and she lives with her family and doesn’t want to move in with me because she wants to help pay rent and not free load as she doesn’t have a stable job at this point yet.

I’d appreciate any insight into this situation and can clarify things as well if needed.
Thank you.