Affection in a casual relationship

I'm new to the forum, so hi everyone!

Some people may not agree with my situation, but thats fine - each to their own. My question concerns "casual" relationships, meaning those based on nothing but sex.

I have a casual thing going with someone at work. We live at opposite ends of the country, but we share some conferences/seminars about 4 times a year. When we are staying at the same hotel, we get together and have sex. I have no issue about this.....I fancy him, he fancies me, I love having his attention, but neither of us need a relationship as such. The quality of the sex is a different thread. He's a tad, erm, "oversensitive" in certain departments, but thats okay, I take it as a compliment. :)

What I don't quite understand, if we are having a casual affair as such, is why he can't show me even the tiniest modicum of affection or recognition at any time outside of a hotel room. He will sometimes rest a hand on my shoulder when we're working together, but he never offers that secretive wink, brush of the leg, lingering touch as he passes etc, even when it wouldn't be seen by anyone else. We don't text, talk or email in between meetings, we never make any reference to it beyond the hotel room, he very rarely acknowledges it at all until he literally knocks on my door.

I have no desire to be clingy or make demands of him, I am satisfied with what we do....I enjoy it. But as a woman with the usual emotional claptrap hardwired into my brain, I can't help but NEED that tiny bit of acknowledgement from him. Right now I'm following his lead....I don't contact him in any way, other than the occasional work related email (where I will try to encourage a reponse but never get one).

Who am I kidding, I guess I'm nothing but a convenient sex toy, huh. On the nights we get together he doesn't even stay till the morning - he literally leaps out of bed when we're done and goes back to his own room, haha!! I suspect this goes back to our first time, when I was a bit confused afterwards and frantically chucked him out of my room, poor soul.....

Whaddya think? I guess its possible he's taking his lead from ME, and he thinks I'm holding back....but I doubt it. Last time, when he got up and left immediately afterwards, he said on his way out, "I'm sorry.....please forgive me."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I'm not going to beg him to stay.

That's exactly what you signed up for when you got into this casual relationship. This is how they work. Or don't work, in my opinion.

Because what you're asking for is a full blown secret work affair. What he's giving you is simply FWB.

True....the full blown affair would be pretty pointless anyway (been there and it takes a lot of mental energy). Its not that I especially mind the distance. I guess if I don't like it and my girl hormones start to kick up, I know what to do right? :)

I'm old and experienced enough to know that these things always end up with someone getting hurt - usually me - but last time we were together, although I was in misery for the first hour after he left (them damn hormones and the female imagination), I got over it and spent the following day working with him as normal. Any bad feeling had completely faded away, I was back to being a FWB with no strings. Only us two know anything about it.

Actually I don't know what FWB is but I can make an educated guess....

Friends With Benefits. Is he even a good lay, at least?

Friends with benefits means you get nothing except for the occasional shag. I think it's time for you to wake up and be true to yourself. You don't *sound* happy with the arrangement. You sound like you're trying to force what you *want* to enjoy. I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself if this is actaully good for you still? During the sex it's all good (of course!) but after you feel like crap and long for something more. What's stopping you from either asking for more, or stopping it to find it with someone else. (BTW the later is the better choice).

FWB is what it says on the tin...a FRIEND with benefits. You can have emotional attachment, just not in the same way as you would in a relationship. FWB isnt just a shag and thats it..a proper fwb wouldnt just do the deed then leave immediately..that is called a f-uck buddy.

I dont see how you could possibly call this guy a friend as you so obviously dont do anything but f-uck and work together. You are his f-uck buddy and nothing more.

Hmm....yes, I see the difference between a FWB and a F-buddy now! You're absolutely right, I don't consider him a friend......we don't talk much.

Well, we do, but he's only interested in doing a bit of groundwork right before he asks me for sex. Fair enough I suppose. Right after, he can't get away fast enough...until the next time.

Is he a good lay? No. He's clumsy, shy, lacking in technique and woefully premature. But during the sex he idolises me, and I suppose that's what makes him so endearing. And what he lacks in expertise he certainly makes up for in effort.

I'm sitting here trying to work out what I'm getting from it. I think its a little bit of a thrill, a little bit of an ego massage, and an escape from reality for a couple of hours.......but other than that, nitto.

Blimey you're right, why do I bother. :(

As for whats stopping me asking for more.....I just didn't want him to think I was some emotional clingon who was going to make his life a misery. Still, the F-buddy arrangement is not my favoured one. FWB is a good compromise. That way a morsel of affection would seem acceptable.....

So how do I ask for that little bit more without sending him running to the hills?

Oh cr*p I sound like a whining teenager.... :surprised I need to get a grip. Get him around to discussing the arrangement, or ditch it, right??

Maybe he's just more of a "Behind Closed Doors" kind of man.

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I think you're basically an unpaid hooker in this scenario and it blows. You should find another ****-buddy, one that actually enjoys your company and fulfills your secret affair kind of needs. If it's just sex, the sex should at least be good.

You could just ask him.
He might be taking a cue from you, and you're both thinking the same.
Or, he might not do anything "in public" because he doesn't want to slip up. If you start with the winks, it's easy to do it on accident at some point.

I would still just ask. Don't demand or anything, just ask.

Just on the subject of FWB...thinking about it I would find it hard to control my feelings.

If I like somebody and enjoy the sex...what's keeping me from falling in love???

What I don't understand is why you don't consider anyone else. You say that you only have sex a few times a year while on business trips. My guess is that you could easily find someone in your realm of everyday life that would want an actual relationship with you. I can imagine that an office affair would be exciting IF the other person involved played along as you mentioned, but why not just date someone? If the person is someone you work with simply keep the relationship a secret as long as you can to simulate that same 'office affair' excitement.

Melody, hate to tell you this but your nothing more than a booty call. It's obvious your more into him than he is in you. If your not careful your going to get hurt