Why contact me a year later?

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30-01-10, 03:35 AM
sillystring

Why contact me a year later?

Hello all,
I am new to this forum; so hello. I dated and was engaged to a guy 10+ years ago and I broke it off. I loved him then and he was a great guy. Last year I was in the town he lived in and we spent a few days together. We had sex the last night I was in town and the next morning I flew out. I called him and left him a message a few days later letting him know I had a good time and thanks for a nice visit and to give me a call.

I did not hear from him for a year until 2 weeks ago I got an email from him letting me know he is overseas and had a good time and that he is sorry for taking so long to get back to me and he hopes to hear from me. I shot him a casual email just letting him know I'm good ect. Now it's been 2 weeks and nothing in return.

It's really lame to not return a phone call for a year. He clearly is not into me or he would have called. So the question is why bother emailing after a year? What's the point?
30-01-10, 03:49 AM
Gigabitch

Sigh.

It is lame.

This sounds familiar. I did kind of the same thing you did, except when I didn't hear from him after 10 days I contacted him and basically told him I thought he had his head up his ass.

He was having major confusion about his feelings- the old magic was still there but things were so complicated, bla, bla, bla and instead of just dealing with it, he avoided it. I think if I had let him get away with not calling me, he might have taken up to a year to settle down enough to do it. He was so emotional and baffled about all of it, it was like dealing with a teenager.

I suspect your ex was having all sorts of conflicting feelings about what happened between you, didn't know what it all meant and just stuck his head in the sand instead of dealing with it.

On the other hand, it's also possible he felt like he finally got the last word after being dumped 10 years ago and was being a big sulky baby, basically showing you that he didn't need you either.

What was your feeling when you flew out that morning- that you might possibly get back together or that it was just all in fun?
30-01-10, 04:07 AM
sillystring

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sigh.

It is lame.

This sounds familiar. I did kind of the same thing you did, except when I didn't hear from him after 10 days I contacted him and basically told him I thought he had his head up his ass.

He was having major confusion about his feelings- the old magic was still there but things were so complicated, bla, bla, bla and instead of just dealing with it, he avoided it. I think if I had let him get away with not calling me, he might have taken up to a year to settle down enough to do it. He was so emotional and baffled about all of it, it was like dealing with a teenager.

I suspect your ex was having all sorts of conflicting feelings about what happened between you, didn't know what it all meant and just stuck his head in the sand instead of dealing with it.

On the other hand, it's also possible he felt like he finally got the last word after being dumped 10 years ago and was being a big sulky baby, basically showing you that he didn't need you either.

What was your feeling when you flew out that morning- that you might possibly get back together or that it was just all in fun?

I tried to not put anything on it and just let it be. But I really hoped it would come to something-- not just radio silence. I had always felt he was the "one that got away." I did not break things off because of any non interest, I was just young and he was away for work a lot. I did not really think about it coming to anything but maybe a beginning to something.
30-01-10, 04:19 AM
Gigabitch

The way I see it, you have nothing to lose by just telling him this. The role of "fool who plays it cool" in this relationship had clearly already been taken.

Send him a heartfelt letter and a CD full of songs that have meaning for both of you. Show him what he blew off. Be up front about how it made you feel that he didn't contact you for a year.
30-01-10, 04:38 AM
sillystring

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The way I see it, you have nothing to lose by just telling him this. The role of "fool who plays it cool" in this relationship had clearly already been taken.

Send him a heartfelt letter and a CD full of songs that have meaning for both of you. Show him what he blew off. Be up front about how it made you feel that he didn't contact you for a year.

Really? What would that accomplish exactly? :surprised
30-01-10, 04:46 AM
Gigabitch

Lead by example. Maybe he'll reciprocate. Hey, it worked for me. We're married now.
30-01-10, 04:57 AM
SirWagginston

Be more realistic. You said you were engaged to him and that he was a great guy. It's reasonable to assume that he loved you, too, and that dumping him hurt his feelings, maybe a lot. If you view him as a "sulking baby" that blew you off, you won't get very far. Maybe he feels like it was you that wronged him.

On the other hand, I suspect he might be a workaholic, and can see how that would make you feel neglected. The fact that he took a year to respond makes me think he's the type of person who gets very absorbed in what he is doing, enough so to have put you at the back of his mind. I tend to believe it's not worth forming intimate relationships with people like that. Who knows, though, maybe he can learn something. Or already has.
30-01-10, 05:18 AM
davidtorres

You broke it off and your wondering he called you after a year? Youre even lucky that guy called you. I would never call my x fiancee if shes the one that dump me. I would even put a curse on her.
30-01-10, 06:24 AM
Dogtoast

He probably didnt want to get sucked back into you for fear of being hurt again....
30-01-10, 06:37 AM
sillystring

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dogtoast [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He probably didnt want to get sucked back into you for fear of being hurt again....

That is maybe fair and I had not considered it before. I was 18 when we were engaged and he was mid-twenties. Now we are considerably older and I tend to look at me breaking things off as another youthful antic.
30-01-10, 06:41 AM
sillystring

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirWagginston [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Be more realistic. You said you were engaged to him and that he was a great guy. It's reasonable to assume that he loved you, too, and that dumping him hurt his feelings, maybe a lot. If you view him as a "sulking baby" that blew you off, you won't get very far. Maybe he feels like it was you that wronged him.

On the other hand, I suspect he might be a workaholic, and can see how that would make you feel neglected. The fact that he took a year to respond makes me think he's the type of person who gets very absorbed in what he is doing, enough so to have put you at the back of his mind. I tend to believe it's not worth forming intimate relationships with people like that. Who knows, though, maybe he can learn something. Or already has.

He is a great guy, no doubts. I don't really view him as a sulking anything, either. I was definitely the one that wronged him but it has been more than a decade since. We are both firmly adults now, but that does not mean time causes forgetfulness.

I suspect he may be a workaholic as well as am I. But when there is interest, you make a phone call. I hope to hear from him more often, he has always been someone special in my heart. But.... I doubt I will.
30-01-10, 07:00 AM
davidtorres

stop your self pity. He has all the right not to call you at all after what you did to him. You deserved not to be in his heart at all.
30-01-10, 08:50 AM
SirWagginston

Well, if you're a workaholic, too, then I can't imagine why you would have felt betrayed by his lack of dedication to your relationship. Usually, people who are dedicated to their jobs have similar expectations of how much time couples should spend together. Work often comes first for them, and so their similar needs make it good for them to be together.

Unless you're not telling us something, then your actions were unreasonable, and you have to apologize when the time is right. His check-up on you could be him subconsciously giving you such an opportunity, to see if you've realized that. Or maybe it couldn't. But if you're so diligent, you would endeavor to find out, despite the risk and insecurities.
30-01-10, 10:46 AM
sillystring

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirWagginston [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, if you're a workaholic, too, then I can't imagine why you would have felt betrayed by his lack of dedication to your relationship. Usually, people who are dedicated to their jobs have similar expectations of how much time couples should spend together. Work often comes first for them, and so their similar needs make it good for them to be together.

I wasn't a workaholic then. But I am now. I was 18 then and a baby for the most part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SirWagginston [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Unless you're not telling us something, then your actions were unreasonable, and you have to apologize when the time is right. His check-up on you could be him subconsciously giving you such an opportunity, to see if you've realized that. Or maybe it couldn't. But if you're so diligent, you would endeavor to find out, despite the risk and insecurities.

I did call him after our encounter but did not hear back for a year. I have apologized for any hurt I may have caused in the past.
10-02-10, 07:53 PM
skn1f123

Quote:

Originally Posted by davidtorres [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

stop your self pity. He has all the right not to call you at all after what you did to him. You deserved not to be in his heart at all.

I disagree, he slept with her the last time they saw each other and then didn't call her for a WHOLE year. If he was still heartbroken by her finishing their relationship 10 years ago (they were too young to be thinking of getting married in the first place, she probably did the right thing, who's to say they wouldn't have divorced by now?) then he should have stayed away from her this time around, not sleep with her then not bother to contact her for another year.