I have lost all hope and faith and feel that there is no reason to live!

I have been in a relationship with this boy for almost three years. two years ago he told me he cant continue with me because he wants to go for an arranged fixup. We broke up and got back again after three months. I thought my love would make him change his mind about me, but sooner I realised he is just using me to fool around till he gets a suitable match. This realization broke me completely. I wanted to run away and made the worst mistake of life. I got married to someone I knew as a friend, moved to a different country assuming this would end my ride from hell. Only to realize later that my husband is not into girls, and he is incapable of loving one. At this moment when I was all alone in a strange country with no friend, no family, my ex moved here temporarily. he started to woo me again and I deprived of love and affection fell for him again. my husband knew of it all the time but never reacted at all. It went on for a year when last month I came back to visit my parents in home country and I met him again. We dated for a few days again happily and then he told me he is going to date another girls to find a suitable match as his wife. I knew this was going to happen someday but i thought it would happen after I was gone. I was so selfish that i wanted to have every single moment that i could be with him as mine. I always looked at us a great couple who couldn;t be together but they love each other so much. But now I see only a foolish girl and an opportunist boy. I feel so cheap. I know I am a cheating wife, running after my ex who only treated me to pass his time while I am available without any strings attached. Now I have a dark future, I am lonely, noone to talk to, noone to care for me and degraded in my own eyes. I don't wish to live. I see no reason to live for. I will never have any family ( my husband doesn't love or care for me), i will never have anyone to love me. I will always be alone. And there he is - flaunting his happy life in my face, planning for his wedding. I feel jealous and envious because I never had any of those. I never had my fancy wedding, my honeymoon or even a husband in true sense and I am never going to have any of those. I feel empty handed and have lost two things that can make a person like me happy - hope and faith. I don't know what to do next. I feel like crying but I guess I have cried so much that I cant even cry anymore. I just sit and stare. I know I need help..I tried to read and thought of sharing. I don;t know if that would help but for once it feels nice to tell someone truth that I am a unhappily newly married woman madly in love with another boy who broke her heart again and again. I know I might be judged as cheap or cheater but in my heart I never cheated on anyone. I wish I had someone to hold me or love me and I was also happy and not being jealous of my opportunist ex. But I don't therefore I am a pathetic loner, cheater, angry, jealous and frustrated girl. I hurt myself in agony. I think about death all the time. I feel if pain cant be lessen it can at least be ended. I know time heals but in my case everyday is making it more and more worse. Socializing, exercising, trying to make new friends - nothing helped. i just don;t wish to live, specially when I see my ex trying to move on happily with someone else when I am completely messed up. I have made so many irreversible mistakes. I don;t think I even love him - all I think is that how can he be so happy when I am messed up? was I never important to him? was he just playing and I helped him? would I ever be happy again? would I ever be loved or love someone again? Most probably not as I am married to someone who cant love me back. It all just seems so dark.

...This is terrrible. Nothing is achieved by death though. This forum helps a lot with issues so you can say whatever you need to here, but I think you may need something stronger. Like professional help. You said there were two things that you have lost that can only make you happy. Hope and Faith. You will never lose hope for a better life and right now is where your faith needs to be the strongest. Have you discussed things with your current husband? Maybe he can help you. You need to reach out to people. Go visit your parents again. You cannot do this alone. Seek counseling and keep your faith. I am so sorry to hear about someone going through this. Keep talking on this forum. People here really know how to help. I hope for the best for you.

I think there is an important decision you need to make. If you to achieve happiness and you don't think your current husband can provide that to you, you will need to end this relationship at some point. I agree you to surround yourself with people who care and love you. It can be your parents or friends. Go meet some new friends cause I think you will be surprise that there are many caring people in this world. You just need to be able to spot them. I think once you confident of the people surrounding, you will be able to find your love. Confidence is a very important trait men look at. Keep your chin up, there are many reasons to live.

Take Care

For what it's worth, I do not consider you to have cheated. Your husband could not fulfill some of your needs and seems to be okay with you finding it elsewhere. If you decide to stay with your husband, then you two need to talk this issue over and find just where the limits are. If you still consider him a friend, maybe you can at least turn to him as a friend to provide companionship.

As to your ex - he's a cad and you're better off without him in your life.

Good luck.

-PP

Thank you all so much for your replies. I never knew people actually will read my post and reply. For once it feels nice to have someone telling me that its gonna be all right. I tell this to myself everyday that this too shall pass, I will survive. But honestly I don't see much hope. I tried to discuss things with my husband but he is more like a distant friend to me. He doesn't really care for what I am going through. He is not a bad guy , he is just self absorbed and its hard for him to see anything else besides himself. Especially when he isn't in love with me and will never be in love with me, why would he spend his time consoling me or helping me? In general also he is emotionally detached from everyone. All he cares about is world's bigger problems, philosophy and politics. Sometimes I wonder how a 29 year old boy can be so detached from real world and emotions. Everything is ok for him. When I say I am happy he says Ok, when I say I don't wish to live he says ok. He is a pessimist philosopher and at times I feel his negativity prompts me to commit suicide. But its not his fault. he is just being himself.

I used to be a normal chirpy girl, people would compliment me as I always had a smile on my face. Now I don't even remember when was the last time I smiled honestly. I had too much expectations from life - I was career oriented successful professional, beautiful, caring - everything i ever wanted to be. Now I am just a loser. I feel like a big failure. I don't know how I got so low, how did I end up here that I actually have to loop up to see the bottom. I failed miserably. A;though people tell me I am young and I can start over again, I hardly have any strength to get up. I just need someone to hold me and be with me. PP was right, I don;t really care for an intimate love relationship, I just need a companion. I have stopped believing that there is someone for everyone - some people are just made for themselves and there is no prince or princess charming for them. But to live alone is getting difficult for me.

I might have had a little success on doing so. I try everyday but then the moment the thought of my ex being happy with someone else pops up in my mind, everything just blurs. Its not that it was my first relation or first breakup. I have been through them before and although they were tough too. Anger, depression, envy, dejection - they were all there but I knew I could make it and I did. But this time, I feel I am not going to make it. My faith is shaken from deep within. I am frustrated. I feel its unfair that two people were in a bad relationship and only one has to suffer.I often fantasize my ex in a worst position than I am. I know I need to get over the jealousy, envy and feeling of wanting to have some revenge. I wonder how people overcome that.

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Originally Posted by viva091110 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I feel its unfair that two people were in a bad relationship and only one has to suffer.I often fantasize my ex in a worst position than I am. I know I need to get over the jealousy, envy and feeling of wanting to have some revenge. I wonder how people overcome that.

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I experienced the same thing, viva, but rather with a roommate. A long time ago, I dated this girl that my roommate had a problem with. I broke up with her and got back together many times, but I couldn't hide the relationship from him. So, I cut her off for good. My roommate had a girlfriend that he could bring over to the apartment and I found it not fair. So, I left. The hatred for him swelled and swelled due to that one incident and a few other minor ones. Then I talked to a mutual friend between us and he said that my roommate doesn't care. The only person who was being destroyed was me. I was the only one angry of injustices. He didn't care that I felt cheated. And he still doesn't. And now I don't. Life will throw injustices at you no matter what you do. You need to handle them. Death accomplishes nothing.

Im at a point in my life where i am not sure of how things in life are supposed to work. Love hurts just isn't a song title, it is a condition that you feel at times there is no escape. I love a woman who isn't ready to love and it's possible incapable. It was for her i gave up the totally devoted love of my soon to be ex-wife. And now i await the world to crash down on me. I just want you to know someone every second of every day is going through the pain of relationships. Yes, it feels like you're alone, you aren't. We all need to feel that, we all need to know that. Timing is a big issue, the hurt always comes when no one is around to hold you and tell you it's going to be okay. We all share this understanding. Take care of yourself above all and then come back as centered as possible and be ready to fight again.

You need therapy. It will get better I assure you, I've been there. It always gets better when you hold on and get help.