How does having a good attitude magically get me what I want?
I feel like I'm no longer alive in any real sense. I have virtually no friends, I don't do social things with other people, I work two jobs, go to grad school classes, and go home. That's it.
The reason for this is because I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid that if I lull myself into a happiness delusion that I'll slip off the tracks. My happiness needs validation or justification.
Things I fear:
1) People. Even though I've been told by many that I'm a great conversationalist and I have a wonderful sense of humor (you're not gonna see it on this forum, but I promise many people have told me that), I'm afraid to do social things. I am especially fearful of people in my age group (20 somethings). I've met so many 20-somethings who are insensitive and tactless and just not good at conversation. I want to make friends, but would people want to be friends with me?
2) Happiness. I want to be happy, but I worry that my happiness isn't justified. I'm trying to figure out how to say this in a way that makes sense, but I fear becoming a kind of caricature: the naive, deluded guy who goes around thinking everything is great when really he's a complete loser.
3) Letting go in order to be happy. Part of why I fear being happy is because it feels like acquiescing to defeat or failure. There are things I want in my life but don't have. These are things that so many other people have, yet I still don't have. Therefore, if I choose to be happy with myself as I am now and my life the way it is now, then doesn't that equate to giving in and giving up? Doesn't that constitute a reason to have a *bad* attitude instead of a good one?