Forbidden Love (Girl-Girl)
Alright all, I apologize in advance as this may be a long read.
I've always been straight, never had any interest in other women, but, almost 8 years ago I met a girl who first became my best friend, & then we ended up falling in love. It was something that just unexpectedly happened. We ended up staying together for 3 years (we're in our early 20s).
About 2 years ago our relationship ended. We both come from families that would be extremely disappointed in us if we were to come out & say we were together, and she comes from one much more strict than mine, so it was hard. Towards the end of our relationship she had met a guy at work who was from the same country as her, and of course on paper he fit all the criteria to satisfy her family if she were to be with him. A few of our close friends, and a couple of her cousins had told me she was torn & couldn't live without me, but knew she couldn't be with me any longer for the sake of her family, her reputation, etc. So of course I was heartbroken. Her new man found out about our past together, and pretty much forbid her to talk to me (he wasn't that great of a guy, except for the fact he was of the same culture & that made her family happy). Not too long after meeting they became engaged, and married shortly after. Throughout this whole time she continued to talk to me and see me behind his back (as friends, nothing romantic went on between us). She could have chosen to cut ties with me, but didn't, instead lied to the man she was marrying to keep me in her life. Before they wed, she'd call me numerous times crying, saying she didn't know what she was doing, didn't want to go through with the marriage, complained about his bad personality, his controlling ways, etc. but she never said it was because of any feelings towards me.
Now, a year or so after she wed, she's now divorced him. All the while still talking to me behind his back. There's nothing tying us together, not a job, business interests, nothing at all, so her lying in her marriage to be in my life was completely her choice there was nothing keeping us in contact but her want for it.
Now, of course I was heartbroken when we had first ended, but I got over it & moved on, or so I thought. Everything was fine & I never felt any sadness or hurt this whole time she was with another person, but now that she's alone, and has been for a few months, I feel all of the old feelings I had for her come rushing back & I feel that same sadness as when our relationship first ended.
When she was married we only talked once a week or two, because she had to lie and she'd often sneak around calling me, but now that she's alone she calls me almost everyday. She got some really good news last week relating to a job prospect, and called me early in the morning as soon as she got the news, before calling anyone else. Just small things like that. Not to mention her choosing to lie in a marriage, do all these things to keep in touch with me when she didn't have to & just the way she talks to me now in an innocent-sad tone type of way, calling me by my nickname, all these little things that are messing with my head.
You'd think I'd be sad when she was with another man, but I was over it and totally fine, now that I know she's alone and not with anyone I feel all the sadness again, why is that?
I truly don't know what to do at this point. Throughout the 2 years or so we were apart and she was married I tried to be in relationships with other men (keep in mind I truly don't have an interest in other women, it's just ONE that I fell for), but I never feel a thing. I've dated a couple of really good men & I couldn't bring myself to feel anything for them. I'd kiss them and feel nothing. I even thought for a minute ok maybe I do like women, so I started seeing a BEAUTIFUL girlfriend of mine who was gay, and still nothing, I didn't feel a thing. So no matter who, I just can't feel anything for anyone else. I just thought it was because I was hurt so bad and was afraid to fall for someone again, but now I think it may be because of my love for my ex which is becoming clear that it's still there.
I really don't know what to do, we're close friends & I don't want to tell her how I feel and risk losing her for good. I just feel like my minds playing tricks on me. She'll do the things I mentioned above that make me think she might still have feelings for me, but then she'll say things like how she wants a family soon, and she knows she'll find a good man one day soon, so I don't know what to think. At times it seems she still loves me, at other times it seems like she's already wanting a next husband so she can live out the whole kids, and making her family happy, etc. I really don't know.
I have a feeling this is something I might just have to take to the grave. It really worries me because I truly don't feel as if I'll ever love someone else like that & if I do end up marrying & with a family I'm scared it could end up being a lie for the simple fact that I can never tell her, and if I do, and she reacts negatively, it's a lose-lose situation no matter what.
