Why do I care/feel guilty about this?

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01-06-15, 11:49 AM
ntt91

Why do I care/feel guilty about this?

Long story short, me and a female friend have a history of a lot of sexual tension. Have made out before/tried dating briefly but I didn't see her as gf material. She got very offended and we didn't talk for months. Recently, we made amends, but the same sexual tension came back with a vengeance. We both agreed it was there and I asked her if she wanted to try having sex. She said she can't just have sex without wanting commitment, and I'm usually the same way but wanted to try the friends with benefits thing out, as I was lonely and had never done that. Well, we never had sex but it turned out to blow up in my face because she still had feelings for me and thought I just wanted to get her in bed etc etc. that's wasn't my intent. Anyhow, we made up and agreed to be just friends again, or so I thought. I just started dating someone AMAZING and this friend saw pics posted of us and is very upset/hurt etc. I can't help but feel guilty or like a bad person despite everyone around me telling me I did nothing wrong and she's just very insecure. Rationally, I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I have a big heart and I don't want her to think poorly of me, but at the same time want to be happy myself. Should I feel bad? How should I approach this? Just ignore it and let her get over it?
01-06-15, 02:09 PM
basilandthyme

I'm seeing a lot of this from her side. You pushing to try FWB when she was clear about wanting sex in a relationship was really cruel given that you know she's got feelings for you. She's not "girlfriend material" but apparently good enough to use for sex. She should have told you to go F yourself, but because she's got a thing for you, she hoped that you may see her in a different light.

And now for whatever reason, she still loves you....and you think she can be a "friend" while flaunting your new AMAZING girl in front of her. Hate to break it to you, but she's your 'friend' only because she's settling for the crumbs you give her. Her feelings to you won't turn off just because you say you just want to be friends.

The kind thing to do would be to NOT be her friend. End things with her properly and give her space to get over you. Yes, she should have made this decision to distance you herself....but she hasn't, so you need to do it. End the friendship and cease contact on social media. Yes, she will think badly of you but there's nothing you can do about that except acknowledge the fact that you also made some bad decisions here.
01-06-15, 02:32 PM
ntt91

Quote:

Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm seeing a lot of this from her side. You pushing to try FWB when she was clear about wanting sex in a relationship was really cruel given that you know she's got feelings for you. She's not "girlfriend material" but apparently good enough to use for sex. She should have told you to go F yourself, but because she's got a thing for you, she hoped that you may see her in a different light.

And now for whatever reason, she still loves you....and you think she can be a "friend" while flaunting your new AMAZING girl in front of her. Hate to break it to you, but she's your 'friend' only because she's settling for the crumbs you give her. Her feelings to you won't turn off just because you say you just want to be friends.

The kind thing to do would be to NOT be her friend. End things with her properly and give her space to get over you. Yes, she should have made this decision to distance you herself....but she hasn't, so you need to do it. End the friendship and cease contact on social media. Yes, she will think badly of you but there's nothing you can do about that except acknowledge the fact that you also made some bad decisions here.

Damn you really know how to make someone feel even more dickish :( I already apologized repeatedly for making her feel like I was using her--it was never my conscious intention, though I can certainly see why it would appear that way. We made up--or at least I thought we did, and now this happened. I feel like the biggest scum alive and it's ruining my life.
01-06-15, 04:03 PM
TablesandChairs

You're definitely not the biggest scum alive; just learn and improve. While it may have been just sexual tension on your side - it wasn't on hers. You should never imply 'sex with benefits' to someone who has feelings for you. You need some distance - I don't think you can be 'just' friends so put some distance between you. You've apologised, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone you don't feel something more for as long as you express this with integrity.

Otherwise - enjoy your new relationship.
01-06-15, 05:10 PM
basilandthyme

No, you're not the biggest scum alive, but you are making excuses for your actions. And some of your comments did sound a bit dickish. Having your friends tell you that you did nothing wrong is only underscoring the lack of understanding of why your actions hurt her.

All that being said, you can't fix the past. It's time to end your "friendship" with this girl and let her heal.
01-06-15, 08:55 PM
ntt91

Quote:

Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No, you're not the biggest scum alive, but you are making excuses for your actions. And some of your comments did sound a bit dickish. Having your friends tell you that you did nothing wrong is only underscoring the lack of understanding of why your actions hurt her.

All that being said, you can't fix the past. It's time to end your "friendship" with this girl and let her heal.

How am I making excuses? And what comment was dick ish? I apologized to her numerous times--more times than necessary but still feel bad.
01-06-15, 09:01 PM
Fuzzyfeeling

You're basically leaving her hanging ,plus the torture of seeing the one you love enjoying his life with someone else ,breaking her heart once and forever is better than a life long torture😉.
02-06-15, 12:01 AM
basilandthyme

Quote:

Originally Posted by ntt91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

How am I making excuses? And what comment was dick ish? I apologized to her numerous times--more times than necessary but still feel bad.

"Not girlfriend material" is a dickish thing to say. Soooo judgemental of you.

And saying that it wasn't your intent to have her think you just wanted to get her in bed was also dickish. Come on, she made it clear that she wanted sex in a relationship, but you pushed her for casual sex. How could your actions be seen as anything other than just wanting to get her into bed?

You say that rationally you shouldn't feel bad. Actually, I think you should feel bad. You've taken advantage of her crush on you and are now flaunting the amazing new girl in her face.

Totally dickish behaviour.

- - - Updated - - -

Anyway, stop apologising and just unfriend her and move forward. It's pretty clear that she needs time and space rather than apologies to get over this.