In modern days, is it okay to be a stay at home wife?
I ask because I feel it is what I want to do, and it is what I can do. I’m thirty and I don’t have a college degree. I suffer from depression and social anxiety (so lots of problems communicating), which makes it hard for me to deal with stress and people on a daily basis. I also suffer from low pressure and, because of separate health issues, I cannot eat sugar; this makes me easily exhausted; I always carry a bottle of water on me without which I get easily dizzy if I get dehydrated or just after some physical effort. I live with my mother who suffers from an illness and is depressed. Her health problems force her to stay at home and she is on welfare. I also get some welfare money because I am her natural care giver. It's not a lot but it is how we live by.
I, for once, personally do not think it is okay to be a stay at home wife nowadays, simply because people’s needs have increased, prices of goods have increased, and it is just harder to afford a home. For all these reasons it is better to have two breadwinners in the household, to alleviate the pressure and share responsibilities equally between partners—which is why I went back to school; in less than two months, I am obtaining my professional diploma (here we call a “professional diploma” one of the intensive one-year programs designed to train adults for work in a specific field, in my case, administration). I have started to apply for positions in good companies to ensure myself a good job as soon as I'm done with my studies. I also feel I have something to offer in the field, despite my limited education.
This being said. Because of the mental and physical issues described earlier—issues which I have been struggling with since my teenage years (I have practically never worked in my life, and if I did, it was on and off, temporary jobs), I am afraid that I won’t be able to maintain a stable job in a permanent way...
I have always been sort of okay, living like this, until now—because I have met someone outstanding, and whose work ethics are extremely strong, and harsh... This person will not accept a stay at home wife (he mentioned it in a conversation though I’ve never told him my views about it). We have now been in a relationship for two years. He moved to work in another city a year ago and we have been doing long distance since. We have no problem with it and it's working out great, we trust each completely and care a great deal for each other. We see each other every month and we talk every day. He finds my “presence” comforting and supporting during his transition there (he will be coming back next year).
So, despite the physical distance, we are very close to each other, except he doesn’t know about my health problems and I don’t want him to; I want to make him happy by being a happy person, I don’t want to burden him with any of this, ever. The reason he loves me is because I’ve always been loving to him and always put him in a good mood especially when he’s strained from work. He’s okay with me not having a college degree, and he is just glad that I'm focusing on my studies now, and I guess he expects me to work normally after I graduate. This is also what I want to do, it’s my greatest wish; I try to fight against these predispositions that seem to convince me that I am no good for anything except to be a stay at home wife. I do want to try my best to change this attitude, and become a normal money maker… I am trying, but I’m afraid that the pressure becomes too much to handle some day and I will breakdown and he will leave (this man has too much on his hands already to deal with people with mental problems!). Also we are starting to be more serious and to talk about serious things for the future (like living together and traveling), but I am afraid I won’t be able to deliver financially…
During my low times, meaning those moments when I am feeling at my worst, I tell myself that I should leave him and be with someone more accepting of these things, willing to let me be a stay at home wife. I am a very caring lover and could make a person like this (there are a few) very happy, at home. This would take off a great deal of stress for me. Anyway I am not one to require a ton of money and material goods to be happy, in fact, I'm quite the opposite.
However, I would never be able to leave my current partner; especially after he has proved himself so much to me during the past two years; he has changed so much without me asking him to, to be a perfect partner... His willingness to please me, his openness to communicate with me, the way we get along and how we intellectually stimulate each other constantly (things so rare yet indispendable for a successful relationship)—all these things make me certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. Except... I just strongly question my ability to make him happy in the long term… This man has great dreams for himself, and even though he has mentioned he does not look at how much money his partner makes, I still feel I could be slowing him down, eventually, if I don't do good in my life... I would never forgive myself for that.
I don't understand why it seems so easy for other people to make a good living for themselves yet it is so hard for me...
This is an issue I’m very ashamed of. I wouldn’t talk about these things to anyone in my surroundings; I mean, I have family, I have friends at school and outside of school (and truly exceptional friends, may I mention), but, if possible I will isolate myself as much as possible because I find company and conversations tiring and vain. And also people appreciate me because I am pretty much seen as the happy, lively, positive person (surprising fact, huh?), and people would never suspect any of the things I have written here, because I choose not to let them see. I hate the idea of being a sad, depressed, negative person, but all this anxiety and this hiding are starting to afflict me and the last thing I want, is to see it afflict my relationship and the life of the person I love...
I know even in this forum I am exposing myself to negative feedback because of an issue some would deem frivolous, but I just need to talk about it now… with the hopes that someone will help, not find a miracle solution to everything, but just help me reason and come up with what the right thing to do is, for myself and for the people I love.
Given my situation... What would you advise? Any help is appreciated.
P.S. I am not on medication because I do not want chemicals to alter the natural functioning of my body and I am too scared of the side effects, which can be very serious. Although I do wonder if medication could truly help in changing this state of mind I am in, I'm trying hard to better myself day by day. Some days just seem harder than others.
