I verbally and mentally abused my partner and want to make him feel even.
My boyfriend of one year and I have gone through a tumultuous relationship this past year. I started dating him out of desperation for a business partner without even realizing it. He fed into my delusion by being extremely interested in the business at the time. He told me everything I wanted to hear (without knowing I was mentally blowing it out of proportion without him knowing) and I created this fantasy that we were absolutely perfect and unstoppable. I fell in love with him and we had amazing times together, no one in the world is more fun, sweet, funny or pure than he and I love him. A few months later he realized involvement in my business was not what he wanted and I was insanely upset and afraid. I couldn't handle it and would react angrily toward him when the subject came up. I became verbally and emotionally abusive toward him without even realizing. He never told me how he felt due to fear of losing me. One minute I was fun loving and normal, the second something about business came up I would get very angry and tell him how angry I was in a really mean way (with the limits of no swearing, yelling, hitting or name calling). Deep down I really loved him, I was just very scared and angry and pretty confused on why. But I continued to nagg and provoke and argue with him, which I didn't even realize was deeply hurting and confusing him. This went on for a couple months until my anger got so hot I couldn't handle or make sense of it. It made no logical sense to me cause (although he accepted the blame) I knew he was innocent and didn't deserve it. I told him how I couldn't make sense of my anger and he really hadn't done anything (although he said he did) and wanted to figure it out. I asked him to take a week long break from eachother to gather our thoughts and see how we felt having no contact. During that week to myself I realized everything I had done to him. I told him I have realized what I was doing and am so ashamed I feel nauseous. I feel so sick inside like I don't want to eat, I have this constant stomach and head ache. I can't stop crying and saying I'm sorry and don't deserve his forgiveness. He forgives me and I feel soo unworthy, I lost 7 pounds in the past couple days and can't stop thinking about all the mean things I said. I can tell he is hurt after our realization and feel like giving him permission to do something to hurt me. I feel like such a disgusting horrible scum bag who deserves to be thrown down the stairs. I am so sorry and cry everytime I think of how kind and patient he's been and told him I wouldn't even have forgiven me. Even writing this hurts so bad it's hard to even stop crying long enough to type correctly. What can I do to make him feel better? Should I give him permission to cheat on me or do something hurtful so I can feel the way he did. I haven't seen him since we took the break, so it's been a little over a week. Although I miss him I'm scared to see him cause I cry simply thinking of him, I will be a blubbering fool in person. What can I do to get him even with me? He is the sweetest, most amazing guy in the world and I love him dearly. He would never hurt anyone and I hurt him soo much I hate myself.
