Long thread (be prepared), about SO trust issues
My own worst eneny
Im writing this with tears in my eyes cause I just feel so emotional and frustrated! I literally feel like my body (mind) is working against me sometimes, and today has been one of those days..
It started out with a random thought of my boyfriend was lying to be about working extra shifts today and instead ‘cheating’. I don’t know where on earth that thought came from but it literally feels like a stranger put it in my head so I could brew and feeling paranoid for the rest of the day
We have been having some problems in our relationship and I did ask on another forum about a problem we came across and asked for a second opinion on the matter. But it seems to me that I must be an old soul in a modern age cause all I got was either ‘kick him out’ or ‘you are being a doormat’, cause I just don’t throw 5 years out the window like that. I try to fix what is broken, and not just discard of it when there is a hiccup, which seems to be the norm these days.
We are not married but were in a LDR for 4 years, moved in together 7 months ago after being broken up for a month + a longer very shaky period last year. Its mainly this time that are causing issues now, he was being dishonest and lying to me and confessed that I no longer knew what he wanted in life (including me).
I have NEVER seen him in a state that even comes close to where he was last year, which is part of the reason why I’m now trying to forgive him. Btw he never cheated/kissed anybody last year, it was more that he was getting a little too close to a co-worker that clearly dident know how to act around a man who IS in a relationship.. and sadly my boyfriend dident know how to say no, and kinda went along for the ride (something he regrets today and doesn’t understand what happened there).
So now the current problem.. Hmm instead of giving you the same version as I did on the other forum, I’ll try a different perspective. I have trust issues with him, and its those we are trying to rebuild. We are walking a fine line of him not feeling controlled but me still feeling somewhat in control – not of him but ‘only’ of who he talks to etc – aka the co worker from last year and the girl he had a one night stand with (also last year).
He absolutely LOVES to snuggle/cuddle and every time he gets home from work he feels weird if he doesn’t give me a big long hug. I somehow feel a bit insecure about being psychical so it’s normally him who initiates the snuggles and embraces. Even my mum said ‘seeing how fond he is of you I doubt you have anything to worry about’.
But that’s the thing – I do! He was being a bit shady with semi txting the girl he had a one night stand with last year and tried hiding it from me. And before you get all worked up over that, let me explain: When we first moved in together they still had some sort of contact (she was very hard to get rid off), and I would get RLY upset, if she txt him, despite him not txting her back at first. So he would dodge all the times she txt (which he NEVER initiates btw), to make for a more smooth sailing.. Honest intentions but the actions are a bit clumsy.
So when he doesn’t tell me they ‘talked’ I start to freak out and automatically makes conclusions in my head about the amount of txt that is shared between them. He tells me it’s a few every few weeks and I do believe him, but he doesn’t quite understand how hurtfull it he that he is not being 100% honest with me. He has said time and time again that he would never be with her even if I weren’t around. If she called he would never pick up, cause the odd txt is as far as it goes. This was kinda the issue in the post I made on the other forum. He just doesn’t like ‘to be told what to do’, aka he wants me to trust him to handle things his way, and tell her to stop when he thinks is getting too much – I gues I just don’t trust him to do that.
I’m no saint, because I do check his phone ever so often, and tonight was no exception. Mainly cause of the stupid thought I had earlier that day, but I found a pic on his phone from her. Fully clothes, in a dress of some sort, gues she wanted to know how she looked? So weird. Anyway he has now finally blocked her, after me being hugely uncomfortable with their interaction and him being SO stubborn about it too. She is now blocked – for now he says. In a couple of weeks he will unblock her again I gues and next time she tries smth, he will block her again – until she gets the point.
I know Im probably not portraying him in the best of light, especially the last bit. But he is truly special to me, and a rly good guy. My world collapsed last year when we broke up and I cannot imagine a world where he doesn’t excist. He is my best friend and we have similar views on almost everything, not just the small ones like movies and food but also the bigger issues like being an old soul, marriage etc. He makes me laugh and I roll my eyes often at his little humping movement and random striptease dances he would do. He will come up behind me and hug me for no other reason than to hug me!
I talk and control a lot so in the way we are complete opposite but in some ways I don’t want someone who talks as much as me (and FEELS as much), I gues I need a guy who is able to shake up my routines a bit and give me a bit of physical appreciation – lol that sounded perverted!
But I feel like my mind is the problem, I read into practically everything he does and say. Analyze the words he used, his body language – and I get deeply emotional to the point of feeling like standing in the middle of a tornado and no way to escape it. I am a ‘Highly sensitive person’ (its an actual term), and I know its something I need to work on to be able to control better and of course there are good periods, and then bad ones like this one.
I gues Im very black and white when it comes to people and bounderies. I never in a million years thought I would want to forgive him for what he put me through last year (imagine my paranoia and crazy thoughts back then). I just cut people out when they hurt me or overstep the line. He is a lot different to me in the reguard. I wouldent say he is a push over but he is british so the politeness level runs deep + don’t like confrontations so he most often like lets things slide – whereas me im much more up front and will tell you if im not happy about something lol.
Okay so is there a point to this massive wall-of-text Ive made? Im not actually sure, wasent even sure I was gonna post it or not, just thoughts about me, us, him, life etc. I gues I would like to know if Im being crazy here, holding on to this relationship? I know having a lot of thoughts are normal for most women but this seem extreme doesn’t it? And what DO guys think about the whole ‘being controlled’ issue and wanna try doing things their own way. I usually say to the boyfriend that whatever I say to him is only top of the iceberg lol, and the same with this post cuase I am abselutly incapable of keep a story short, sorry. Im glad you got this far though, through my slightly disturbed universe
