Argueing with gf about engagement
I've been living with a gf i met on-line since 8 months. For this I moved to her country, leaving behind my family & friends & a good job (or job opportunities in general). Were not living together, cos she (and/or her parents) don't want this before were engaged. This engagement is what's causing a problem. Since last year already, she started talking seriously about engaging. I was caught by surprise then, and told her I wasnt ready for that, even if it meant marrying years later. She didnt understand this and we went through heavy fighting. Now, many months later, it occasionaly pops up again, her asking if I want to engage, and every time i feel pushed, forced almost, and i say im not ready, that she should give me time. I tell her that I love her, but she says she doesnt believe me, cos if i would really love her i would have no problem engaging with her. It goes that far, that she tells me 'engage now or its over'. Now I don't know what to do. I don't feel i'm ready for engaging, but I'm actually not sure why not. Maybe I'm not sure I want to stay with her. I do love her very much, I like spending time with her. But some things I don't like. She cant do things alone, or stay alone, I need to be there all the time. I miss freedom. When we are fighting heavily, i think about going back to my home, getting that dreamjob I saw there, going out with friends whenever i want to, do whatever i want to. Maybe i'm afraid of being honest to myself, cos I cant imagine being without her, cos i love her. I cant write all the details here, so its not possible to make a precise judgement, but this is just how i feel. She doesnt know about that last part however. I've tried to talk to her about all this, saying that the fact I'm not ready now, doesnt mean I never want to engage or marry. And that if she would love me, she would wait. To that she just replies see sees no reason why i wouldnt engage her, that it wouldnt do any bad to me, that if i dont engage i dont love her... I just cant make her understand that im not ready, she doesnt get it, she feels like any 'normal' guy would jump in the boat at once! Atm its really ****** up, she's saying its over, that she doesnt love me, that she hates my personality, stuff like that. And i dunno what to do right now. What i do know is that i wont all of a sudden change and drop on my knees, its not gonna happen. If i ever engage her, i need not to feel pressured.Instead she rather say how 'happy' she would be with her ex-boyfriend .. . I think if i didnt live in another country, i might have run away already :s Im persistant, i put lots of effort in this relationship, but there's limits :( I really dunno what to do now.. I moved from my home to be here, got a job here, an appartment. If i leave now, it would be forever. If i stay it would be forever too, cos she doesnt wanna move to my country, where it would be better living for both of us. Im thinking if i would leave i would regret it later, and say to myself 'is this so much better?' .. that the grass just seems greener on the other side :s If i didnt love her so much ... or maybe i just got used to her : / Its my first relationship, so its rly hard for me to relativate .. Just need to make a decision.