Love Phobia 爱の恐惧

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 1 ]

It can takes only a minute to get a crush on
someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but takes a lifetime to forget someone

because of that someone

My fear towards love
My mistrust towards love
My hatred towards love
My despise towards love
My loathe towards love

Can I really overcome my phobia towards love ?

-------------------

Since young, my classic idea of romantic love was emobdied in a play "Romeo & Juliet" by shakespeare. I often stared at my brother acting out the role of Romeo, busking in the love of her "Juliet", the romance gimmicks, the strong language of love, those love quotes which i often don't quite understand at that point of time.

"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

Ben shouted

"So kor, you're swearing you never see any beautiful jiejie until tonight" I asked innocently

"Aiyo boys at your age won't understand pure love"

"Eh .. so what is pure love? "

"Hmmmm .. its a love that's pure"

"Ar .. so what does that mean? "

"Well ... Its when you love one person for the rest of your life... just like how i loved my Juliet"

"HUH ???"

that reply only gave me more question marks

"Aiyo for darn sake, you'll know when you grow up okays"

-----------------

Well, ever since then, it only arouse my curiousity towards love, I never fail to ask questions
that alduts themselves are stumbled upon. The usual replies are always "Too young to know love", "someday you'll know it",
but that doesn't stop me from seeking more answers until when i first met her ...

-----------------------

"Alrights class quiet, we have a new transfer student here today, let her introduce herself"

"Hi everyone, my name is ... J U L I E T , you guys know Romeo & Juliet ?? well my name is same as that Juliet .. "

My eyes brighten up instantly. i was thinking profusely

"Romeo & Juliet, Isn't that Romeo guy Kor is so obsessed with ? "

The whole class went silent, we are just kids afterall.

"who would have heard of Romeo & Juliet at our age ?
afterall I only heard of it through ben's obsession with Romeo & not to mention i don't even know its contents,
just a mere romance story that ended off happily ever after,"

i thought.

"Why are you guys so quiet ? Aren't you glad to see me" said Juliet

Everyone continue to keep silent

"Who's the class monitor ?" asked Juliet

I slowly raised up from my seat, quite stun upon her request for my presence

"You, Ask me a question !"

I took a deep breath, muster my courage & asked

"s-oo-so-so you got a boyfriend named Romeo ?"

The whole class went into hilarious laughter mode upon hearing that. I knew that was a stupid question but my mind
was just blank for that instance when she called for me.

She gave me a smile back instantly, saying

"nahz..so u wanna be my Romeo ?"

I was stun again by the reply.
Everyone's pupils enlarged upon hearing that, opening their mouth in awe of what Juliet has just said.

"Alright class, enough of jokes .. back to lesson"

The teacher interrupting the whole commotion after sensing this unique introduction was gettting way out of hand.

"Juliet .. go sit beside Reagan" ordered the teacher

At that moment of time, my blood was still gushing, I didn't know this feeling i'm experiencing within now. & before i got back to reality, someone just whispered to me by the ears,

"so Romeo, I'm assigned next to you ar .. teeheee"

My head turned beside to find Juliet sitting next by me giving her trademark smile again ...

-------------------

Well i suppose we are kids afterall. After weeks, I start to adapt to her presence, despite not talking to her much.
its quite an irony, given the fact i sat beside next to her & yet we just greet each other with formalitites & thats all.

One day, she finally broke the ice between us, she pass me a note during lesson,

"so u heard of Romeo & Juliet?" she wrote

"Hmmm..yea sort of, a romance story right ?" i wrote back

she seems surprised by my reply,

"wow, i always thought kids at our age are more into enid blyton than shakespeare..hee" she wrote

I was thinking "Shakespeare .. who was that?"

& well guys ego took place, i must show i'm knowleagble afterall, despite the fact I've never read it before

I just wrote back to her

"yea .. shakespeare romantic quotes just attracts me!
"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

that quote was my brother favourite line ! i don't even know what it really means, i just always heard him saying
it again & again , till my memory don't fails me.. i guess somehow or rather it has been put to use ..

I just don't want to embarrass myself in front of her & to impress her ..

She was taken aback upon seeing my reply, yet she gave an instant smile (her trademark smile)

"Romeo" she whispered looking at me

& i whispered back "Juliet" starting back at her

[ To be cont.. ]

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
william shakespeare

I'm telling you, I think about life the way I have to live it now, alone and with nobody I just want to give up.

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 2 ]

Are you all alone?
Do you feel that you stand in solitude in this crowded world?
Do you enjoy the company of yourself or do you hate being alone?

Loneliness is not a desirable option, but often it helps to unclog one's mind. Spend a few minutes alone, away from the maddening crowds and delve deep into your soul. As you drift into the chasms of your thoughts, you will find harmony with the world. …

--------------------

ROMEO
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray — grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

ROMEO
Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.

[Kisses Juliet.]

Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO
Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

[Kisses her passionately.]

-------------

RING ~ !!! RING ~ !!! RING ~ !!! the alarm sounded ~

My eyes opened up instantly & i saw a pair of eyes staring at me.

"ARGH ~ !!! Porsche get off me !!!" i shouted

"GOSH ~ u just interrupt my kiss with JULI ~ eh wait a min, i was kissing you just now .. ARGH !!"

Porsche barked back at me ...

"oh man what was i thinking ... having such a dream ? !?"

I was staying up till late night over this novel which I don't understand a bit, & to a have such a dream scene reenact from what i read last night.

"this classic english is getting me so crazy" i thought before giving one last yawn & proceed to wash up.

---------------------

Wind blew upon my face, as i slowly stroll to the bus stop. The routine journey to school taking bus no.284 has been the same for the past 5 years, with the only exception I'm alone now.

Dating back to how it all started, i still remembered my very first day of school during primary one, my mum holding my hand tightly bringing me to this same bustop waiting for the same bus, pacifying me to go school, despite all the cries & begging about not wanting to go school. She never fails to subdue my inner confessions & always manage to convince me just the way she wanted. It may sound like manipulation but i can boldy tell you, its not.. its just a motherly love to her son.

She stopped walking with me during primary two, or rather she couldn't walk with me no more given the fact she's no longer around with me, she has gone to a realm with eternal rest. Ever since walking this path to the bus stop everyday just unclog my mind, enabling me to devle deep into my soul, reminding me somehow or rather even without her presence, i know she is always looking after me, her beloved son from her realm.

-------------------

"Hey Romeo !!! ~ " somebody just tap me from behind interrupting my thoughts

Well i guess in this world, only somebody would call me by that name,

"Juliet, for goodness sake, stop calling me Romeo, I'm Reagan spelled R E A G A N .. hurhur"

"teehee ~ i just loved to call you by that name .. blahz !"

"tsk, humpfh next time i'm just not gonna respond to Romeo"

"hehe .. " Juliet giving her trademark smile again

"you take bus 284 too ? !? " I asked

"ya .. hey aren't you asking the obvious, we are going to school .... "

"no .. its isn't that ... i was tring to ask u lived around this area ? , since bus 284 is the only alternative to get to school from this neighbourhood"

"no i stalked you to school .. teehee" said Juliet

"come on ~ be serious for once" i begged

"haas ~ yea i lived around this area since i was born, been taking bus 284 all this while, just that someone never saw me .. teehee"

"HUH ? so u mean u saw me all this while ? "

"I never say is YOU ! i say someone .. hahahaha" joked Juliet

Soon the bus came, & we boarded. It was a journey filled with her laughter. I guess it has been quite some time since i've laughed so heartily. being with her really brightens up my day.

---------------

RINGGGGGG ~ !!!! RECESS PERIOD !!! everyone darted out of the class.

I slowly packed my books & dragged myself out of class.

"Phew finally a break, feeling so lethargic & restless, shouldn't have stay up late to read that impregnable Romeo & Juliet" i thought

"& the best part is i couldn't understand any bit of it .. other than the kissing part .. " i mumbled to myself

"wooo ~ KISSING ~ u kiss who ?" a voice came from behind

I turned around, to find Juliet crept behind me ..

"Ar ... what kissing ? !? " i acted blur

"tsk tsk u mention kissing lor" said Juliet

"you must 've heard wrongly luhs, i was saying HISSING .. you know, snakes hiss .. heh doing a project on snakes" i retorted

Juliet gave me that half belief look,

"anyway lets go to the library" she grasp hold of my hand & dragged me.

----------------------

The smell of books engulf the whole room. She started searching frantically for something on a shelf in a secluded corner.

"Ta-duh ~ " she showed me the muchly anticapated novel link between us "Romeo & Juliet"

"you found this in our library ?" i said

"i myself was surprised to find it in our library too" she nods back replying me

I took the book from Juliet, & brush off the dust from it.

"this book sure looked very old & dusty" i thought.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

"wow" i exclaimed

"it sure looks as though we are on some treasure hunt quest & have found the treasure" i giggled

"tsk what treasure hunt quest, guys are always guys, always madly dreaming of treasure" Juliet said

We both sat down, still in awe of this book.

"i found it accidentally yesterday, & thought that u might want to take a look at it too, i was waiting for you to open the book together, teehee"

"uh-uh ~ " i was speechless

"come lets open it" said Juliet

I try to flip open the hard cover, but it won't acede to the force applied.

"Eh weird, i can't flip open" i said

"Come let me try"

Juliet tried but to no avail, the book also not responding to her force applied.

We both examine the book, trying to search for some opening to it, or some button or what to trigger the book in opening, but sadly we fail to do so, Juliet was disappointed.

"Argh .. come on a book that couldn't open, what a day" complained Juliet

"Hmmm no fate with the book ... i guess" i replied

"& i thought we could really read it together, what a spolier" Juliet said as she leave the library.

"Hey wait ~ " i chase Juliet taking the book with me.

-------------------

Juliet was down for the rest of the day, she was silent, not the usual her. We took the same bus home. I try to entice her into some conversations but fail to do so, she just kept quiet.

"Hmmmm Juliet about that book ... just forget about it okays"

she suddenly replied back

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

[ to be cont .. ]

"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."
william shakespeare

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 3 ]

All at once, you look across a crowded room for no one in particular, just looking.
Suddenly, you see him,
but, oh, how many times you've seen him before.
So why did your heart just skip a beat?
Your eyes meet by mere coincidence, or is it?
At that moment you both instantly know that the
relationship between the two of you,
will never be the same again.

Is this what we call fate ???

------------------------

she suddenly replied back

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

I went speechless. I was bewildered by her reply.

"why would she relate a book to somebody, & taking a lifetime to forget that someone" i thought

More question marks came into my mind when i started thinking what she said. Before long, we both alight from the bus.

"Hmmm .. Juli ~ " before i could complete my sentence, she just walk off silently.

That was the very first time i've seen her looking so distraught. It has affected me deeply. The last time I've experienced such feeling was actually seeing my mum in a distraught manner too. It was also the day whereby she left me for heaven. Slowly tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Perhaps this lifetime I won't forget my mum, just like how Juliet won't forget that someone she was refering to." i thought

-----------------

After washup, i slowly unpacked my bag. My eyesight came into contact with the book again.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

"hmmm .. so how this book can actually relate to someone ?" i was still figuring out. My thoughts started to wander off

"Her boyfriend ? cannot be .. she is too young for love ? but isn't she abit mature for a 12 year old ? I started to digress.

"Argh ... what am i thinking !!!" I'm so confused at the moment.

" REAGAN ! " my dad shouted interrupting my thoughts

"YES ? AH PA ?"

"FETCH ME MY BEER !!!"

Ever since my mum left, my dad took up drinking. I've never seen him in a sober moment ever since. It has been four long years. Back then i was too young to know what happened, i was just over grief upon the fact that my mum has left me. I only know from then on, ben became rebellious, simply ignoring my dad commands. He never told me why, but i can sense he hated dad alot. I don't really bear a grudge to my dad for not taking care of me this four years, perhaps he really loved my mum alot, till he still can't get over her. At least in this aspect, i thought i was being more mature than my brother ben. I still look foward to the day where we can be reconciled & go back to the good old days.

"ORH ~ !! AH PA ! coming ~"

---------------------------------

YAWNZZZ !!! " A New day , A New Beginning ~ !"

I stretched myself, & strolled to the bus-stop.

"Will I met Juliet today?" I wondered

Soon, the sky darkens, clouds gathered. i sense the rain coming soon, & therefore quicken my footsteps to the bus-stop.

"Tap-Tap ~ " the raindrops start to fall ...

"Urgh ~ should have brought a umbrella along" I mumbled.

Just when i was trying to find a sheltered route, Juliet came ranning to me with her umbrella. She sheltered me to the bus-stop.

"Phew, luckily not drenched !" i said

"tee-hee yea .. all thanks to me" Juliet with her trademark angelic smile again

"A hero saving damsel in distress .. " I joked

"OII ~ I'm suppose to be your heroine .. tahahah ~ " she laughed

I guess she has gotten over yesterday incident. I don't intend to bring up too, in case I'm going to feel so helpless again. Soon our bus 284 arrived.

During the journey, she suddenly asked

"Romeo, so when's ya birthday ?"

"Eh .. secret .. you wanna buy me birthday prezzie huh ?" i laughed

" 20th February" she just directly said out.

For a moment, i was taken aback. I couldn't believe what i just heard, or rather the fact that both our birthday lies on the same day 20th february.

"Hmmm ... just passed not long ago" I replied trying not to be too shaken over it.

She nods back.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"Ugh .. what significant meaning ?" I replied

Somehow it triggered my thoughts towards my mum again. I always thought bus 284 was just a story between my mum & me. Today i finally realised some one just has another story to bus 284.

"tee-hee solve it .. & I buy you a birthday prezzie !!!" she winked

"Urgh ~ mystery solving !! I just sucks at it ... maybe i should question my dad about not giving me a detective conan's or kindaichi's brain .. "

"Bleah .. haha" she just laughed

"February 20th & bus 284 ? what meaning it can gets ? Gosh ... i simply got no link to it." I thought

Juliet never fails to give me surprises each day, first the book that won't open & now comes another mystery with our birthday & bus 284.

-----------------------

School ended for the day, i just wander around aimlessly, & came in sight with the library. I went in, thinking about morning incident.

"Perhaps i could find some book that tells me whats the relationship between february 20th & 284 ? " I mumbled

"You can never find such things on books" someone whispered behind my back

"J U L I E T" i shouted

The librarian gave me a glare, i apologised, & whisper back,

"Why are you forever sneaking behind me, hearing what i say .. hurhur "

"tee-hee bleahz" she responded

"Sighs .. fine ~ you win " i just walked towards the secluded corner, the corner where we found the book.

"So free ar ? why not going home after classes ? " Juliet asked

"Nahz .. i just wanted to be alone for a moment until you came " I replied

"Uh-uh ~ so i guess its my fault for disturbing you then ... "

"Nahz .. not really but how you know I'm here ? & why are you not going home after class ? hurhur "

"Ermmm hey you're the one that stepped into my sacred area lor !!! remember this is where i found the book, i've always been here,"

"I didn't know our library has become such a holy place" i joked

"hahahah ever since i came lor, ..tee-hee"

"so what you usually do at your sacred area?" i asked

"hmmm thinking about lotsa things ... tee-hee"

"WOW ~ a 12 year old kid got that much things to think about ? other than your PSLE this year ? I sacrastically shoot at her

"Define Love" Juliet just voiced out suddenly.

"Ugh ? ! ? LOVE ? " i stuttered .

she nods ...

"Of all things .. why love & ain't we abit too young for love, at least thats what the alduts always been telling me, I was once curious about it too ya know .. "

"Because ... I've a phobia for love. Juliet responded

"Phobia for love .... ? "

Her answer left me dumb founded again ...

------------

The wind was howling strongly, causing the window to hit the ledge, awaking me from my slumber. I got up from my bad & walked towards the window.
Sparks of lightning appeared, as though flashing some thoughts into my mind.

"Oh my .. gonna rain soon ~ !" as i close tight the windows.

Just at this moment, Ben came in

"wow surprising to find my cute little brother not asleep yet ar .. " Ben sacarstically remarked.

"& its surprising to see you coming back as early as 1am" I shoot back

"woo look who's talking here man, my brother has grown up, taking over the role of my useless dad .. taahaa" Ben snorted

"yea .. whatever" I sigh

"Erm Kor ... you ever experienced a phobia towards love ?"

I still do not know why i asked him, maybe being he always claim that he is the subject matter expert on love, maybe being he has went through countless relationship despite at the age of 16.

Ben paused for a moment.

"You're asking a Casonova such questions !!! You must be Kidding ~ !!"

Somehow I sensed Ben wasn't truthful with his answers, but yet he was right to an extent. I've never seen him cry or feel sad about his breakup in his countless relationships. How would someone with such feelings ever experience a phobia towards love ?

I lay down motionlessly on the bed. Question after question just rang in my mind.

the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet ?
who was the someone that Juliet can't forget ?
Relationship between Feb 20th & 284 ?
& now
Love Phobia ?

[ to be cont .. ]

Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.
william shakespeare

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 4 ]

Ever had something special with someone, only to have it ripped away,
so u meet someone else who makes your world turn upside down and makes you so happy.
And the whole time there's still that connection between you and the other person,
only to find out years later, that person still has the same feelings for you,
and even though you love them in a strange way you'd never give up the one you're with
because they hold your whole heart?
It's complicated even when you think you've got it right.

------------------

I didn't have a good sleep.

I was tossing & turning over the questions in my mind. I dragged my body out of the bed, feeling feverish. It has been quite some time since i fell sick. I hate to fall sick, not because of the bitter medicine, nor the uncomfort level i'll have. Simply because it just reminds me of the others having the privilege to hide in their mum's warmth, despite of the medicine or the uncomfort level.

"sighs .. I'll just go school ... " I just don't want to be reminded of being sick.

I dragged my heavy foot, panting over such a short distance of route to the bus-stop.

"Phew .. never feel so sick before .. argh !! i just hate what i'm feeling right now !"

Soon dark clouds came, covering the atmosphere with its mist. Just when i anticipated the arrivial of a heavy downpour, a flash just appeared. The next moment, rain gushed down like a heavy tsunami swallowing me in it. My vision became blurred, & before i could know it, I finally collapsed.

----------

"MUMMY ~ !!!"

"Reagan ~ !!!" she gave a good hug & a kiss on the forehead.

"tee-hee ... "

"Josie ~ " someone called my mum's name from behind.

Reagan took a peak & saw a unfamiliar face. A man in his early fourties holding on to a little girl's hand. The weird thing was that the little girl was wearing a bright yellow raincoat in a sunny afternoon. Reagan just couldn't take his eyes off her at that moment, despite not being able to see her face clearly.

"Roy ~ " Josie was stun for a moment before calling out his name.

"so how have you been ? " Roy asked

"ermm .. yea life still goes on .. isn't it , o .. by the way I' married, this is my son Reagan." Josie replied.

"aww congrats, good to know that you doing fine, "

Just then a honk sound interrupt the whole conversation.

"Oh .. got to go, my wife waiting for me in the car. take good care okays. Roy said with a smile seemingly familiar & depart off.

Just at that moment, Josie suddenly broke out in tears.

"mummy, why are you crying ?" Reagan asked

"nothing .. just too happy to see an old friend of mine luhs"

"huh .. you mean when you're happy, you cry too ?"

"at times ... "

Reagan was just getting so complicated over human's emotions. It was a embark of journey to further complications that he himself couldn't have understand at his age. But what couldn't be erased from his mind was that little girl wearing the bright yellow rain coat.

---------------

"Breathing okays .. airway clear .." a paramedic shouted.

"evacuate him to the ambulance now !!!"

The moment i've regain that bit of conciousness, i saw hordes of people surrounding me whispering. Just at that moment, something bright in yellow just captures all my attention towards it. I was trying hard to focus upon it, but couldn't do so & before i know it, i was pushed into the amubulance, accompanied by sirens to the hospital.

Beep .. Beep .. the medical device operating with its monotonous sound.

BANG !! the ward room door opened.

"Doctor How's my son ? ! ?" Dave barged in asking

"Okays Calm down .. Mr Tan !! your son is contracted with dengue, but has been given an injection, & is adapting to the medicine effect at the moment. The next 24 hours will be crucial, we still need further observations okays .. but do not worry, everything is under control !"

Dave is loss for words, he just lean against the wall & broke out in tears.

"Josie ... you've already left me, pls don't be so selfish & take reagan with you .."

"pls pls ... I know I havent been a good father all this while, I've done nothing for him since you left, but pls just this one time .. I beg you ... I know I've done you wrong but pls don't take away reagan from me"

"tsk humpf so you know you've done wrong" Ben came in & snorted at him

"Ben ... "

"If it weren't for you, mum wouldn't have died !!! U THIS MURDERER !!! Regan wouldn't be here struggling to fight for his life, lacking his mum support. so WHATS THE POINT EVEN IF YOU'RE GUILTY ? WILL MUM REVIVE ? WILL I BE REBELLIOUS ? WILL REAGAN GROW UP LACKING OF MUM'S LOVE ? NOOOOOOOO A DAMN NOOOOO

Ben shouted at his own father ..

I JUST HATE YOU FOR LIFE !!!!!!! Ben dashed out of the room upon saying his piece.

Dave was speechless.

----------

"REAGAN ... REAGAN ? ! ?

A familiar voice calling me. I searched frantically for the source of the voice.

"MUMMY is that you ? ! ? " MUM ... !! MUM ~ !!!" I shouted at the top of my voice

Just at this moment, she appeared, as always giving me a hug & a kiss on my forehead.

"Mum I missed you ~ !!! " I cried

"Silly boy .. mum misses you too!"

"Mum i just wanna stay here forever with you, I'm just tired of everything ..."

"No .. Reagan, you can't stay here with mummy, your destiny still awaits you."

"Huh what destiny ? !? "

"you'll know it in future ... take good care okays ... "

& she just disappear into thin air ...

"MUM ~ MUM ~ MUM !!! "

-----------

'MUM ~ MUM ~ MUM !!! " i shouted waking up ...

"HUH a dream ? ! ?" i mumbled

I reorganize my thoughts, thinking back what happen ...

"so I'm being admitted into the hospital ? "

Then i turn my eyesight across the room, seeing dad sleeping on the sofa. It has been quite some time i've seen him so sober in his sleep. At this moment, the doctor came in.

"Ar so i guess you've react to the medicine effect quite well, your temperature has gone down, just a few more dosage & you'll be happily kicking once again .. " the docotor joked

the doctor pointed towards my father

"boy .. you've got a loving father .. yesterday i could see how panic stricken he was upon hearing your news, he never leave u a moment alone since last night till now"

"yea .. i guess so ..." I replied

"ta-haa ~ alrites so faster recover .. so you can look after your dad too ar .. " the doctor said before leaving the room.

----------

Over the next few days, dad was silent. He just took care of me ensuring i took my medicine & have my meals. I was kinda touched & happy in a sense. My classmates may have their mother to turn to when they are sick, but at that moment of time i feel that i 've got a father to turn to as well. Despite he never say anything, i could feel his warmth love towards me, for the first time since mum left me ..

I slowly shed a tear upon thinking ... now i finally understand what my mum meant

"huh .. you mean when you're happy, you cry too ?"

"at times ... "

that when you're happy, you cry at times too ...

[ to be cont .. ]

Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts.
william shakespeare

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 5 ]

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

--------------

It was a starry night. I gazed out of the window, staring at the ample sky.

"Ah Pa .. is there a possibility that ah ma has become one of the stars shining upon us, protecting us ?"

"Hmmm .. perhaps .."

"you still miss her ?"

"Hmmm .. I don't know !"

I turned around & looked at dad with confused eyes.

"Reagan .. sometimes in life, certain things are hard to explain, for instance my love towards your ah ma. I'm confsued with myself too. Your ah ma is someone whom i love & yet hate at the same time. But i guess her departure has create an love phobia inside me, a barrier which i can't convince myself to cross it. Thats why i've been escaping from reality all this while through the years. Sorry ...

"Ah Pa ... ... "

My mind went blank. I was more confused than ever. All this while, dad took up drinking not because he love mum, but to ecape from reality, to escape from his love phobia.

"Reagan .. I guess you still too young to understand the part & parcels of life, umm .. but ah pa promise you from now on, I'll stop drinking & to compensate you back this 4 years of long lost parental love .. eh wait not this 4 years only .. but for eternity "

"Serious ?"

"Umm .. " Dad nods

So in this long starry night, my dad finally regain back to the old self that i once know, but yet left me with more question marks towards love, which i can't possibly understand at this point of time.

----------------

1 week has passed since then. A whole long week of medical absence somehow compensate me the warmth & love that I've missed this 4 years.

"I'm all good & ready to go school !!!" I told myself

I missed school, my friends, my classmates & especially Juliet.

During my stay in hospital, almost everyone in class turned up to visit me except for a few, & that exceptional few consist of her. Even my classmates were confused as to why she didn't turn up, considering this short period of time, both of us were rather close to the extent that many have gossiped & joked about both of us being a couple. I was defintely disappointed yet curious to find out why she didn't turn up.

"Has something happened to her ?"
"She choose not to come ?"

My mind just went wild. Somehow I've that uneasiness within me. Everything seems to have come to an end stage, yet somehow it just signify the beginning of everything.

Upon reaching school, i glance around the school compund in hope of seeing her. I didn't get to see her at the bus-stop today. Lady luck wasn't with me afterall, I never get to see her, until morning assembly came. I took a glance at her, she was carrying a very different aura from her normal self. The way she stare at people is simply telling people to get away from her,

"This pair of eyesight seems so familiar, I've seen it before .. " I swore to myself but i just can't remember it.

Lesson time arrived, finally I've a chance to approach her.

"Hey Juliet .. so what has teacher covered for the past week during my absence ?"

Juliet was silent. She didn't even take a look at me. That pair of solemn eyes just stick close to the textbook. I was bewildered by her actions as why she is ignoring me.

"Have I done something wrong to upset you?" I asked

No response ..

Through the whole period, i was so cooped up within myself, then came break time, when i decided to unleash all my doubts on her. I found her alone at one of the empty classroom. I walked in without her noticing.

"Juliet ... " I called her from behind

"R o m .. r ea .. gan " Juliet stuttered.

"Can you pls stop ignoring me ? Why are you doing so ? Just when i thought lady luck was upon me for once, when my dad finally regain back to his own self, & now I'm losing a good friend without knowing why ? why must this be happening ? Ugh !!!" I shouted

Finally Juliet respond.

"Sometimes in life, when we gain something, we lose something. Losing something might be for a better cause .. "

"Stop it for once ... why are you talking like an aldut ? talking about life ? we are just children .. aren't we ? can't we just enjoy the luxury of being a children, wanting things in whatever manner we want. I just don't want to lose anything, anyone, anymore." I broke out in tears ..

"Because fate never allow me to live like a children, I've simply lose too much, everything, everyone. I just can't afford to have a good friend, then lose it again, I'm really tired of losing ...." Juliet broke out in tears while saying her piece too

"Then don't lose it .. why can't we just be good friends forever ? "

"I wish I've such naive thinking like you ... if only everything could be forever ... then i wouldn't have lose it in the first place"

Juliet ran out of the classroom.

"Ju .. li "

I couldn't complete what i wanted to say. I just sat down reflecting on what she said.

"so what if I'm naive .. aren't children supposed to be naive, why can't it be forever ? Even fairy tales have good endings, happily ever after .. if there are no good endings, why are there fairy tales in the first place ... " I thought to myself

I got all answers prepared to oppose her arguement in this short debate, but Juliet was no longer around.

-----------

I went home feeling lethargic & restless. I just have no mood for anything. Upon reaching home, I just lie down on my bed without noticing ben was in the room too.

"Not feeling well again ?" Ben asked across from his bed.

"you're around ? thats a rare sight .. " I replied ..

"tsk .. you're not answering my question .. & i guess you should be okay .. still got strength to rebuke back .. hur "

"I'm not okays .. not a bit at all .. "

"you don't look sick ? mmm ... lovelorn ? hahaha" Ben joked

"love again ? sighs why must it always be love ... "

"aww ... snap out of it ... stop talking like a holy saint ! next year when you're in secondary school .. you will be the one initiating lor .. taa-haa"

I shake my head.

"Kor .. you know something .. I can't even maintain a good friend relationship with a friend, let alone love"

"female friend ?"

I nod my head.

"Uh-uh ... somebody is in loveeeeee !!!"

"come on ... shook it off ! is just a platonic relationship between me & her"

"I never believe that a guy & ger can maintain a PLATONIC relationship .. taa-haa"

"tsk ... " i just kept quiet

" .. serious .. u swear you didn't have any love feeling for her, not even that bit ?"

"I don't even know how is it like to be in love , let alone have feelings for her ?" I replied

"well at least how restless & lethargic you are now betrays how you feel, isn't it so .. if is just a nomal friendship, will you be so upset over it ?"

"of course .. is a good friend we are talking here right now, who wouldn't feel so upset ? "

"tsk ... well no point debating with you right now, in future you'll just know .. "

I started to doubt ben as a "love expert" . He can't even differentiate a friendship & a love relationship. Nevertheless I'm just too tired to get that point to him, i just shut my eyes off, then i saw it ..

That pair of eyesight ... the same pair that Juliet was carrying today .. i remebered it ... i know where i saw it before ...

"The little girl in bright yellow rain coat. She carry the same eyesight when i first saw her with ah ma back then .. "

"Could it be ..... Juliet was that little girl back then ? " I thought to myself

---------------

Everything seems so fast paced. All the things that are happening, it seems too real to be true. Could it be what ah ma say .. this is the destiny that is awaiting me ?

I decided to confront Juliet the next day at school to clear my doubts. I know its going to be akward after what happened today, but somehow that eagerness to know the truth just give me the courage to approach her once again. I musn't escape from reality.

Next day back at school, Juliet didn't turn up. My eagerness turn into disappointment.

"Alright class ... I've a news to announce .. settle down fast .. Juliet has left us for a better change in environment to study. She will no longer be with us .. Reagan take note please .. can strike her off the class namelist ... okays .. alright lets get back to lesson .. "

I was stunned.

"Juliet has left ? is she avoiding me after what happen ? why ?

As much as i want to know the answers, i guess i no longer have the chance to find out. She will forever remain a mystery to me.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.
william shakespeare

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 6 ]

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.

-----------------

"HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY .. Miss Tan"

All of us went foward to give her a hug.

"awww .. its been 4 years & you guys never fail to visit me each year .. gosh all grown up teenagers now le"

"taa-haa .. how can we forget our most popular form teacher during our primary school ar .. " I said

"hee .. as usual always a sweet talker .. Reagan .. no wonder the class selcted you as monitor back then ... so how's your preparation for o levels coming along ?"

"no sweat .. " I winked

"come on miss tan .. you expect a Raffles Insitutition student to sweat over o levels .. you must be kidding ... " the rest snorted

"well .. its good to be confident .. but don't get too complacent .. but well i'm not that worried for reagan, afterall he topped the nation in PSLE .. "

"taa-haa .. not exactly miss tan ... to be exact, someone has the same score as me so i can't be considered as number 1 .. hurhur " I said

"top student acting humble again ... " the rest jokingly said

"yaya .. if i don't be humble .. you all accuse me of being proud again .. tsk tsk blah" I replied

"Knock it off .. you guys .. still so rowdy as ever ... top student or not .. doesn't really matters, most important is that you all live fruitfully, doing your best in whatever you do " Miss Tan said

"Yes .. Miss Tan !" All of us replied in a organised manner ..

"you guys .. hee " Miss Tan embarrasingly said

----------

I walked around the school compund, searching for memories back then. It has been 4 years, each year i come, new changes have been made to the school, but bits & pieces of memories still exist around our school compund. The field that my classmates & I used to run around during reccess, the hop skotch drawn by us, the once familiar canteen that we rushed to during break, the assembly hall that we mustered every morning, the school emblem & of course not forgetting the classroom that companied me during my last days of primary education.

I walked slowly towards my classroom back then.

Everything seems so familiar but yet at the same time seems so misplaced, the black board we used to have has been changed to white board, a desktop computer placed at the teacher's desk, the colourful & creative designs of notices board, but some things remains the same. I went to my seat, it was still the same desk i used back then, all the drawings & wordings on the table accumalated over the years, with different batches of students using it, each with their own stories to tell behind every each of this drawing. I was examining each & every one of it, then i saw a carving, " R & J " .

" R & J .. could it be Romeo & Juliet ? " I mumbled to myself

"Juliet .. eh .. " this name suddenly strike me again after 4 years.

Juliet .. a name that has left such an vivid impression upon me, I guess I won't forget her for life, despite the short period of time she was with the class, that part of memory that we both shared really meant alot to me. I still remembered how she introduced herself to the class & came to sit beside me, & then how it all started with the whisperings during lessons, & chance upon the novel "Romeo & Juliet" in the library, & then how she came up with all those questions that i can never answer her.

"weird .. how come i never saw this R & J carving for the past 4 years ? it just appeared at this batch ? " i thought to myself

I examined it closely again. the letter "R" was carved on my table, & the letter "J" was carved on the table next to it. If you never examined close enough, you wouldn't have notice it. It was an exquisite piece of carving work which i doubted it as a work of an primary school student. I feel the carving with my bare hands, hoping to get some clue out of it, but i guess it was an futile attempt afterall, i guess i've read too much into it.

Just when i was about to leave, i clumsily knocked off the table next to mine.

"Ouch !! Damn .. " i shouted

Just when i lifted up the table, i saw a yellowish stained letter well concealed under the table. i managed to take it out effortlessly.

"wow .. it must has been years since somebody claimed this letter" i thought

I know it was wrong of me to intruige into others privacy, but well curiousity still got the better of me, i decided to unreveal the content of it.

"Romeo,

so you finally found it huh ? i was comtemplating whether to hand it to you personally before leaving, but i finally decided to leave it at the hands of fate.

Do not blame me for leaving without a word, there was a lot of unforseen circumstances to bear if i'll to continue to stay on.

This is the harshness of reality, which you must learn to accept.

Someday, maybe you'll get to learn the truth behind all this harshness, but i seriously hope that you do not get to learn it. The truth always hurts, & you alone must bear the harshness of it when you get to learn it. At times i'm really envious of your naivety towards things. Through the time we spent together, somehow i really feel i'm a changed person, i learn alot from you, but i guess the truth doesn't allow me to continue on to do so. This whole thing was an irony, maybe i shouldn't have switched school, & meet you. But i do not regret in doing so, because you gave me hope, something which i really needed at this point of time.

Knowing you was a blessing but having you by my side was a miracle indeed. A miracle that i needed to keep me going, but it was selfish of me to do so. Thus I've decided to leave you for good, hoping to conceal what you should not know & hopefully you continue to live your life to the fullest.

P.S I'll remember you for life

Juliet,"

I shed my tear upon completion. It has been quite some time since i last shed a tear. Ever since the incident with Juliet at the classroom 4 years back, I've not shed a tear.

"the TRUTH !!! what truth " ugh !!! " I shouted at the top of my voice.

-------------

I walked out slowly.

My mind was in a twirl, the truth i should not know, what was it ...

"Reagan ... still around ? " Miss Tan shouted from behind.

I turned behind replying

"Yea .. just went around school seeing the changes that have been made .. "

"sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. hee"

"taa-haa .. true " I replied

Miss Tan smiled back.

"well it signifies that perhaps its time for the younger generation to take over my helm, i guess this is my last batch of students."

"HUH ? serious ? "

Miss tan nod back

"It'll be such a pity .. " I responded

"its time to give myself a break after cultivating so many batches of students .. " Miss Tan said

"awww .. how i wish i can be like you .. give myself a break too ... taa-haa " I jokingly said.

"come on .. young man .. you still got a long way to go .. hee "

"taa haa .. yea a long long way to go ... "

"o .. ya guess who i saw just now .. " Miss Tan suddenly changing the subject

" who ? "

"someone from your batch .. in the same class as you ... "

"HUH ? whats so surprising about that ? we visit you every year ... "

"aiyo .. not talking about you guys, this particular person hasn't visit me for the past 4 years, & just appeared in front of me today ... "

"eh .. who so ungrateful .. ? " I jokingly said

In my mind, i was thinking of all the possible names. Every year, I'll presume my role of class monitor, gathering the alumni to go back visit miss Tan. Other than a few that went disappearing in action, almost all turned up each year.

"Joel , Marilyn, Keith or Janice .. " I asked

"NoNo .. " Miss Tan replied

"someone unexpected .. i still remember on the first day how you & her flirt in class ? "

"HUH ? flirt ? gosh .. I'm too young for that .. "

But at that moment, I should have guess out who Miss tan was refering to.

"hehe .. come on .. the Romeo & Juliet in class .. isn't it .. " Miss tan jokingly said.

It was Juliet.

"Sh .. e came tooooo visit you ? I stuttered

"uh-uh ~ i was surprised too .. initially i thought you managed to contact her after all this missing years .. but it doesn't seem the case after i chat with her "

"Miss Tan .. she just left not long ago ? "

"Yup .. should be bah .. "

I ran towards the gate immediately, waving goodbye to Miss tan.

"Miss Tan .. keep in contact again .. yea .. got some urgent things to settle .. see you .. take care "

-----------

Juliet came back. My heart was pumping excitedly. Now my mind was in a confused state.

"what if i really saw her .. what should i say to her ? "

I've got so many questions that i wanted to ask her personally. Yet i was thinking that i'll be dumfounded upon seeing her. I ran arond the neighbourhood around the school to search for her. My eagerness soon turn into disappointment. Juliet was nowhere to be found.

I let out a sigh.

----------

It was the longest night that I have to to go through, the countless events that has happened today, one after another, leading to a new one every time, I couldn’t seem to catch hold any of them but just allow them to rattle through my mind.

"why am i having such mixed feelings ? "

I began to question myself

"what if ben said back then was true ... my feeling towards Juliet was love ? "

[ to be cont .. ]

Love goes toward love.
William Shakespeare

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 7 ]

When you have nothing left but love, then
for the first time you become aware that love is enough.

---------------------

A month has passed since then. I never heard any news of Juliet again. Life went back to the monotonous pace.

Between tragedy and comedy the transition is often but slightly marked. Thus Romeo and Juliet differs but little from most of Shakespeare's comedies in its ingredients and treatment--it is simply the direction of the whole that gives it the stamp of tragedy. Romeo and Juliet is a picture of love and its pitiable fate in a world whose atmosphere is too sharp for this, the tenderest blossom of human life. Two beings created for each other feel mutual love at the first glance; every consideration disappears before the irresistable impulse to live for one another; under circumstances hostile in the highest degree to their union, they unite themselves by a secret marriage, relying simply on the protection of an invisible power. Untoward incidents following in rapid succession, their heroic constancy is within a few days put to the proof, till, forcibly separated from each other, by a voluntary death they are united in the grave to meet again in another world.

All this is to be found in the beautiful story which was told long before Shakespeare's day, and which, however simply told, will always excite a tender sympathy; but it was reserved for Shakespeare to join in one ideal picture purity of heart with warmth of imagination; sweetness and dignity of manners with passionate intensity of feeling. Under his handling, it has become a glorious song of praise on that inexpressible feeling which ennobles the soul and gives to it its highest sublimity, and which elevates even the senses into soul, while at the same time it is a melancholy elegy on its inherent and imparted frailty; it is at once the apotheosis and the obsequies of love. It appears here a heavenly spark that, as it descends to earth, is converted into the lightning flash, which almost in the same moment sets on fire and consumes the mortal being on whom it lights. All that is most intoxicating in the odor of a southern spring, all that is languishing in the song of the nightingale or voluptuous in the first opening of the rose, all alike breathe forth from this poem. But even more rapidly than the earliest blossoms of youth and beauty decay does it, from the first timidly bold declaration and modest return of love, hurry on to unlimited passion, to an irrevocable union; and then hasten, amid alternating storms of rapture and despair, to the fate of the two lovers, who yet appear enviable in their hard lot, for their love survives them, and by their death they have obtained an endless triumph over every separating power. The sweetest and the bitterest love and hatred, festive rejoicings and dark forebodings, tender embraces and sepulchral horrors, the fullness of life and self-annihilation, are here all brought close to each other; and yet these contrasts are so blended into a unity of impression, that the echo which the whole leaves in the mind resembles a single but endless sigh.

As i wrote the last sentence on this piece of essay, I paused thinking.

"How ironic given the fact that i used to think that Romeo & Juliet has a happy ending to it, yet only till now that i found out it has a sad ending to it."

All the classic english that i used to not understand seems to reveal itself in front of me now. I can imagine myself living in shakespeare's era & excel in their command of language, indulging myself in their era of romance, the simplicity & yet complex mindset towards love.

All this years, no doubt I've not experienced love before, but I've seen many that went through it, busking in the sweetness of love, & yet suffering in the bitterness of love. I often wondered is it really worth pouring all your emotions towards love, thinking back the relationship i've with Juliet back then, was it really considered love?

------------

"Oeii .. Mr shakespeare .. " someone suddenly snapped my thoughts.

"Joanne .. stop sneaking up on me "

Somehow it just reminds me of the days when Juliet often sneaked up on me.

"bleah ... tee-hee " Joanne sticking out her tongue.

Joanne is an unique friend of mine. She has been my study partner through this years. We often met up just to study. Though we are of different school, our calibre of academic wise are considered on par. That strengthen my decision to pair up with her to benefit each other in academic results. Through the years, she has not only fufill her requirement as a good study partner, but also as an good listener to me.

"thinking of which girl seh .. so deep in thoughts .. " Joanne teasing me.

"just thinking of someone ..."

"HER ? " Joanne asked

I nod my head.

"Hmmmm .. after all this years, still can't get her off your mind ? " Joanne asked

"I'm just unsure about my relationship with her back then, you know its just so ironic that i was so adamant about my platonic relationship wih her towards my brother back then, & now feeling so unsure of my feeling towards her"

"hmmm .. ever thought before .. perhaps you've read too much shakespeare, causing all this unneccessary thoughts." Joanne replied

"maybe ?"

"you know .. sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. tee-hee" Joanne smiled

It was exactly what miss Tan said. Perhaps what both of them said are true. My platonic relationship with Juliet hasn't change, but its just me that have changed.

"Come on .. snap out of love, concentrate on our studies... yea .. O levels is just a few months away from us."

"hey .. its not LOVE .. its just ....."

"yaya not love .. my bad .. lets switch subject okays .. hahaha" Joanne interrupting me before i could complete my sentence.

---------------

I'm meeting Joanne today at the library again. Recently we have been meeting quite often due to the fact that exams are coming. Its quite ironic in a way that Joanne & I only meet during exam periods. Both of us formed a common understanding with one another, whenver exams draw close, we just contact each other to meet up to study. Through this period of time, we not only study together. but also helped each other to de-stress by sharing each of our own secrets & lending that pair of listening ear to one another. Its weird in a way given the fact that we don't contact each other oftenly, & yet can pour our own heart matters to one another. I often think that perhaps its due to the fact that we are not close with one another, thats why we are able to pour to one another, not fearful of leaking out our own problems.

"Sorry .. I'm late .." Joanne ran towards my direction hastily.

"As usual .. kinda used to it .. " I sacrastically replied

"Oeii .. gentleman are suuposed to wait for ladies de ma .. claim you are shakespeare expert & you don't know that .. " Joanne rebuked

"yes .. my fair lady .. thou art wait upon you .. "

"tee-heee ... bleah " Joanne sticking out her tongue

"Hey i just discovered something special today ... " Joanne said

"uh-uh ~ what ? that I'm handsome or cute ? " I jokingly replied

"come on .. knock it off ... let me ask you a question first ... "

"hahaha okay .. " i responded

"whats the relationship between the number 220 & 284 ? "

I was taken aback by her question. It was so familiar, i seem to have heard of it somewhere before.

"ehh ..... "

"stuck le right ? mathematician expert ? " Joanne getting back at me as her results for maths was always lower than me.

"indeed .. i just couldn't find the relationship between this 2 absurd number .. " I thought

"tee-hee .. let me solve it for you ... " Joanne replied

"All the factors of 220 are 1,2,4,5,10,11,20,22,44,55,110 & of course 220. The factors of 284 are 1,2,4,71,142 & 284.

"If i add up the sum of the factors of 220 excluding 220 itself, 1+2+4+5+10+11+20+22+44+55+110 = 284
likewise i add up the sum of the factors of 284 excluding 284 itself, 1+2+4+71+142 = 220

The sum of factors of 220 is 284, the sum of the factors of 284 is 220. The pair is called Amicable numbers. Don't you find it fascinating ? Out of so many numbers, this pair just matches each other. My friend said that this pair of number just signifies," my heart only got you, & your heart only got me ... " so romantic right ? "

I was stunned. I finally remembered the question Juliet phase to me before.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"February 20th & bus 284 ?

"February 20th = 220 .. so 220 & 284 matches with one another." I mumbled to myself.

"Huh ? ya both of them matches .. but wait whats with the february 20th ? " Joanne asked.

"o .. nothing luhs .. wow indeed so fascinating " I replied

So thats the relationship of 220 & 284, the mystery that i can't get to solve all this years.

"yea ... I simply loved this pair of number ... my birthday falls on 28th april, making it look like 284, so i'm so mesmerized by this pair of number now."

"you know something .. my birthday faills on 20th february .. making it look like 220 .. " I replied

"serious .. GOSH ... " Joanne shocked with my reply ...

"so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... "

"yea .. maybe " Joanne responded with some shyness.

----------

I flashed back towards why Juliet pose me this question back then. The relationship between 220 & 284. Both our birthday falls on the same day, 20th February. Our fate with the number 284 bonded both of us together. I was thinking what Joanne said, this pair of number signifies "my heart only got you, & your heart only got me"

Perhaps back then, both me & Juliet really experienced such thoughts before ..

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.
william shakespeare

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 8 ]

“Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off.
It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time.”

-----------------------

Joanne words has caused me to wonder,

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

back then my relationship with Juliet was love ? why am i so eager to see her once again ? was it because she might be that little girl wearing the bright yellow rain coat back then or was it because of my desire to see her once again ?

Thoughts just ran wild through my mind.

A sound coming from my labtop broke the silence. Joanne nudge me on msn.

[ -.-''' so free ar ? not muggin .. still got free time to nudge me ? ] I typed out.

[ don't make me sound like those study nerd ! I got a life too okays ]

[ yea .. so wassup ? still not going to dreamland ? ]

[ nothing much, just chatting with friends, surfing the net, browsing through my msn contact list & so happen to see your name .. so just disturb you lor .. tee-hee ]

[ -.-''' so I'm so random ar ? tsk tsk ]

[ hee no luhs .. in fact i was thinking upon what you said today ]

[ huh ? what did i say today ? ]

[ o.0 seriously u forgotten ? STM (short term memory) seh !!! ]

[ yea my bad .. so what did i say today ? ]

[ humpf ... "so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... " remember ? ? ? ]

i paused for a moment. That sentence wasn't meant for Joanne. It was meant for Juliet. I must be somehow mumbling to myself at that moment, & Joanne took it for real.

[ well .. i was thinking about what you say & amazed upon the fact that both of us have some fate thingy going on ... ] Joanne typed

[ erm ... ]

I hesistated, wondering should i explain the whole situation to Joanne. Somehow she seem to have misunderstood, but yet I'm fearful of hurting her in the process.

[ ? ? ? ] Joanne came with the immediate response.

I seem to have lost myself , not knowing what to reply. I stared blankly at the screen.

[ yea ... fate works in a magical way, matching the both of us tgt ... don't you agree ? ]

I was shocked to see that appearing on the screen. Ben has came into the room unnoticed & type on my behalf sending it out to Joanne.

"Ben .. what the hell are you doing ? " I shouted at him.

"Woo .. take it easy man .. I'm helping my cute little brother here to chase a girl .. " ben replied

"gosh ~ you put me into deep shit now !! "

I somehow have sunk deeper into this misunderstanding now.

"come on relax man .. chill .. you are already in sec 4 .. & yet no GF at all .. I'm starting to think you might not like girls .. but well you just prove me wrong .. hahah "

[ how you expect me to reply ... put it so bluntly ar .. hurhur *shys* well gtg ..cya ard ] Joanne came back with the reply.

"Woo .. shy girl .. good work reagan .. inherit my genes afterall ... hahaha"

I simply just ignore what ben said, & Joanne reply. I just stick my head under the pillow, trying to imagine all these are just hallucinations, ain't true at all.

-------------

I woke up the next morning in a confused state of mind. I was wondering did yesterday incident happened at all. I turned to my labtop, seeing Joanne signed off message, then i came to realise that it ain't a dream afterall, everything did happened. I thought i could just deceive myself by going into a deep slumber but it was a futile attempt.

"Ugh .. i shan't think too much .. maybe its not as bad as it may looks " I mumble to myself before dragging myself out from bed for wash-up.

The morning breeze blow gently across my face as I strolled along the fateful route again, the bus-stop to take bus 284. It has been years since i took this route. After I have graduated from my primary school, & a new bus service that was introduced to the neighbourhood making it more convinient for me, I've somehow forsake this route. Somehow as i grew up, memories of my mum slowly fade away from me. I no longer reminisce much about her. Perhaps it has been due to the fact that my dad was more concerned about me for the past years, he no longer went back to his drinking days ever since my dengue incident.

Today, my intuition just triggers me in taking this route again. Perhaps its due to what Joanne shared with me, the 220 & 284 numbers. Somehow it just struck me that this route still exists, all the childhood memories between me & this route, & most importantly the story between me & Juliet.

Perhaps, my intuition was telling me that I might meet her again, after all these years.

I finally arrived at the bus stop. I came to realise nothing much has changed after all this years. The same old bus-stop structure, with its paint slowly peeled off, the rust can be clearly seen. Somehow its not as packed as it used to be after the new bus service was introduced.

Soon, bus 284 came, & i boarded. It was empty. I went to the seat that me & Juliet often sat back then. It was situated at the rear end of the bus, we named it the R & J corner back then. I sat down, reminiscing back the days with Juliet back then. I still remember vividly what she once said,

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

I slowly retract back my thoughts into why she said that, & then suddenly remembered about that book that wouldn't open.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

It has been with me all along this while. We took it out from the library without returning it. I have forgotten about its existence all this while. At that instant, I was like trying to remember which corner of the room I've put it in. Then the bus suddenly came to a break, interrupting my thoughts.

I stared out of the window, seeing it was a bus-stop. I guess the bus driver didn't expect someone to be there & just continue to move on untill he came in sight with someone, & suddenly came to a halt.

Someone boarded the bus.

I focus my sight upon the figure walking slowly towards my direction.

It was JOANNE. I went blank for a moment before coming back to reality.

" er .. how come you're here ? " I asked

" stalking you lor ... tee-hee .. " Joanne replied

All this seems so familiar, its just like a reenactment of what happen with Juliet back then, just in a different scenario.

" Huh ? come on .. stop joking .. you don't live around this area "

" hahahaha .. yaya .. i came to find my friend who lives around here luhs .. bleah .. "

" O ... " I went speechless after acknowledging her. Somehow it seems so akward carrying on a conversation with her after thinking back what happen last night.

I was struggling to tell her the truth, what really happen last night yet my mind just holds me back in fear of hurting her.

" yea ... she was also the one who told me about the 220 & 284 numbers .. one of my bestie at school " Joanne smiled.

"She must be dropping some hints mentioning about the pair of number again " I thought to myself

" Hey .. ain't it a coincidence ? we both taking bus 284 now ... " Joanne said.

" yea .. I used to take this bus alot .. during my primary school days ... haven't took it for recent years " I replied her not in a right state of mind.

" uh-uh ~ for recent years haven't been taking it, & today you just have the urge to take it, & we both just met ... haha " Joanne laughed.

" gosh .. I somehow have just given her the idea that we both got fate ... " I thought to myself.

This is getting so crazy. I just don't know how to react now. Just at that moment, the bus turned into the intechange & stopped. I heave a sigh of relief, knowing that this was my best chance to get out of this situation. I quickly grab my bag & quicken my footsteps.

" Hey .. Joanne .. got something urgent .. got to rush .. i see ya around .. take care "

I ran out of the bus, not even waiting for her reply.

---------------

The rest of the day, my mind just couldn't concencrate on whatever things I do. I was in a dazed state, wondering how could ever such things be happening to me.

I sat down at the living-room staring at the space blankly.

" Taking a break from study ? " Dad came out from his room asking.

" Huh ? ooo ~ yea .. " I replied back snapping out from my thoughts.

" So hows school getting on ? stress ? "

" Not too bad .. still manageable .. gathering my last burst of energy towards O lvls "

Dad nods.

" Don't stress yourself too much, I know you are up to the task, just face it with a calm heart .. & do your best "

" yea .. Pa no worries .. " I smiled back.

Before dad went back into his room, I suddenly voiced at him,

" Pa .. you got time for some chit-chat ? "

" Always for my son ... " Dad smiled at me.

" So what you wanna talk about ? having some problems ? " Dad started off.

I slowly explained the whole story between me & Joanne to him.

" Hmmm .. so my son has grown up, getting into a relationship problem ar .. haa "

" Come on .. gimme a break .. its not even a relationship in the first place .. its like so absurd. I've known Joanne for so long. All long it was maintained as a good friendship between both of us, studying together, sharing to each other & now because of some misunderstanding, all things got to change. I really hope to just maintain a platonic relationship with her .. you know "

At that moment of time, I recalled back my relationship with Juliet back then. I just don' want history to repeat itself again, hurting the other party, & ending up losing a good friend.

" Reagan .. a good friendship between a guy & girl is more complex than you can think of. Its not that kinda buddy relationship with your guy friend. Every little actions will be taken into count, because girls are more sensitive to feelings, actions done by you. Sometimes they may even be confused upon the fact whether are you interested in her & stuff, & this can lead to many unneccessary misunderstandings. But well since you're clear about it, then its only fair for her to know about it too, considering you both are good friends isn't it .. "

I nod in agreement.

" Find a time to have a good talk with her, but be tactful about it, its not in our family tradition for a guy to hurt a girl's feelings okays .. "

Dad patting on my shoulder.

Dad's words somehow calm my mind a bit, & it was only right for Joanne to know the truth too. Though I know it mights hurts abit, but it was neccessary to avoid further & deeper hurts in future.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind
william shakespeare

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 9 ]

This quote doesn't really need much explanation since it describes what Men and Women want when it comes to love.

For Men, let's admit it, our first instinct when looking for our first girlfriend is for us to be her first. We want that girl or woman to be pure and virgin and for some, tend to get possessive and not let go of her which can be attributed to a man's primal instinct of being territorial not only for territory, but also for his mate. The feeling of being the first one into a woman's life is always special just like owning and riding a brand new car.

Women, on the other hand, are more sensitive and subtle towards love and romance. Most, if not all, are more patient and don't mind being the first, second, third, or so on, for their partners, as long as they are the last love of their partner's life, pertaining to the quote“til death do us part.”

“You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.”

--------------

" Reagan, hurry up ! you're gonna be late on your 1st day of school .. " Ah Pa shouted

" Alrights ... " I replied

I gave myself one last look at the mirror before heading out. I'm not trying to be vain, neither am I vain. Afterall it was my first day of secondary school life, & to be studying in the prestigious Raffles require me to uphold the school's pride by dressing up smartly. Afterall, a prestigious school's uniform is sure to attract attention when you took a bus or train to school. Therefore I made sure I don't embarrass myself by wearing a tardy & crumpled uniform. The first impression upon people determines a battle to be won or not.

" Gosh .. you're finally done .. & you look good on your 1st day !! go electrify all the aunties on trains !!! hahaha "

" Come on .. Ah Pa .. enough of jokes okays ... I'm getting the jitters, I've no idea what secondary life is going to be like .. "

" Relax son .. just enjoy it & do your best okays .. "

I gave a nod, before heading out of house.

" Phew .. Just in the nick of time to catch this train, or else I gonna be real late ... " I mumble to myself.

I manage to find a corner seat, & settled down. I missed the primary school days whereby I could sleep in late, as i just only need to take a bus trip worth of 5minutes & now I need to travel a train journey worth 40minutes in order to get to school.

" Sighs ... " I shut my eyes hoping to get some precious sleep time

Soon, I heard a bunch of giggles sound coming directly opposite from me. I have my eyes opened, to find a bunch of school girls standing opposite me, staring towards my direction, giggling at me. The first reaction that came upon my mind ..

" Ar .. they must have noticed that I'm from Raffles, so I'm grabbing their attention .. " I thought to myself

Soon, I noticed people around my vicinity whispering, staring at my direction, giggling at me. I thought to myself,

" wow this uniform sure does wonders, I seem to be in the centre of attraction now, I guess being able to study in Raffles sure is cool "

Just when I'm busking in all this unneccessary attention, suddenly a shout emerged beside me.

" Ug .. H . !!! pervert !! " shouted a school girl.

My immediate response came,

" where ? ! ? "

I looked around, only to notice that I'm the only one sitting beside this school girl. I gave myself a look, to find that my pants was unzipped.

" Gosh .. " my face turned red at that moment.

I zipped up my pants, & hide my face behind the bag. The school girl beside me was sorta shocked too & hide her face behind the bag as people around us started to laugh at this incident. Within seconds. the train stopped, I immediately took my bag & rushed out of the train to save myself from the embarrassment.

" Goodness gracious ... it was the most embarrasing thing that could have happen " I thought to myself.

Meanwhile, I try to waive off this embarrasing incident off my mind, & try to divert attention on my handphone. I unlocked the keypad & went stun for a moment.

"This wallpaper .. the school girl from the incident earlier on ... " I stuttered.

I must have taken the wrong phone in that panicky situation ealier on, & so co-incidentally we both were holding the same exact model & colour of handphone.

--------------

Break time came, & I decided to muster up my courage to use her phone to call mine. It wasn't long before someone respond.

" Hi You're ??? " came the response

" Erm... I think you took my phone by mistake earlier on & now I'm holding on to your phone ... "

" Huh ? you're joking ? this model & colour I'm holding on .. hey . wait a second ... "

There was a long pause before she respond again ...

" How come you got my handphone ??? " she responded in a panicky voice.

" Erm .. I thought i told you earlier on, somehow there was a switch of handphones between us, "

" ya .. but how did we switch ? ugh .. never mind .. can we meet to get back my phone ? "

" ya thats my plan too .. "

" ok .. 6pm at bishan mrt ... we shall meet then .. byes "

--------

I arrived early. Thinking back of the morning train incident, & how we both swtched our phones & now meeting each other again. I sense that the situation is going to be real awkward later on. From the conversation earlier on today, she seem to have not noticed that the guy holding on to her phone now is the "pervert" she shouted this morning.

" Sighs .. what a day man .. this is getting so crazy " I told myself

Her phone meloday rang. I answered

" erm .. hi .. I've arrived at the station already, I'm wearing Raffles school uniform .. "

" raffles uniform ? "

" ya "

Then came the long pause before she reacted.

" you're that pervert !!! " A sound came from behind.

I turned around.

It was her.

We both went speechless with the phone still in our hands. It wasn't a moment of silence before she started laughing, & somehow i was influenced by this atmosphere to find how silly this incident was, & i started laughing with her too.

" Hey I'm sorry .. this morning shouldn't have shouted "pervert" at you .. i was too tired, & dozed off, so I didn't quite know what was happening until i woke up to find that your pants were unzipped & my instant reaction was i encountered some pervert .. hehehe sorry .. my friends have explained the whole situation to me "

" Nah .. not exactly ya fault ... Here is your phone .. " I smiled handing the phone to her.

" hehe .. & here's yours ... nice phone we are using ar ... " she smiled back ..

" ta-haa yea .. o I'm Reagan by the way "

"Joanne " she responded with a smile.

---------------

& that was how it all started between me & Joanne. Our unique encounter into becoming friends. I'm asking her out today to clear the misunderstandings that shouldn't have started in the first place. I decided to heed my dad advise, to tell the truth to Joanne.

" Oeii .. waited for a long time ? " Joanne gave me a pat from behind.

" Uh-uh ~ "

" you seem to be in deep thoughts wor ? "

" Hmm .. yea i was thinking about how we first met .. "

" Aww .. "pervert" incident ... hahaha " Joanne laughed

" Haha .. yea .. time really flies .. it has been 4 years since that incident, dating back we were only sec 1 back then & now we are actually progressing to JC soon .. "

" ta-haa indeed ... time really flies & we are closer than before .. isn't it .. " Joanne smiled.

" yea ... Joanne .. friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever, just like how i wish both our friendship can last forever.. "

Joanne was speechless. I continued on..

" Every time you cross my mind, I think how lucky I've been, to have you as my special friend all this while. We study together, shared our secrets with each other, its a bond which i wouldn't give up for anything else in this world. I wish to make clear to you that maybe recently my actions & words has affected your feelings towards me, causing some misunderstanding, somehow it shouldn't be happening in this manner, at least not in the manner between this special friendship we holds, so i truely apologise for any misthoughts I've given you during this time, & hope we can continue to maintain this friendship bond."

I could see tears welding up on Joanne's eyes.

" of course .. silly boy ... we shall & we will continue to maintain this friendship between us, we each take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other, everywhere. okays ? " Joanne replied

I nodded.

" As for those misunderstandings .... "

Joanne interrupted me before i could continue on ...

" No .. Reagan .. its okays .. no need to clarify it .. its no longer important ... hey i just remembered i got some project work to do & need to go off ... i see you ard okays ... " Joanne ran away in tears.

At that instant, I felt guilty. I knew it was coming but I just couldn't bear the sight of this scenario. It sort of remind me the day when Juliet took off from the classroom & never returned. I was thinking will Joanne ever return ?

The truth hurts, but somehow the love hurts more. I recalled back Juliet mentioning having love phobia ..

Have I created a love phobia in Joanne ? Her first love experience seems totally destroyed by me ...

[ to be cont .. ]

Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps
william shakespeare