I want to run away from my problems
I'm going to start with that I'm not a novice to forums, I belong to many forums and talk a lot on these, so I will be checking this thread and i will reply.
I'm going to start with saying this, I am a very headstrong person, I have always believed in solving my won problems and teaching myself without any guidance, For me to join this forum and ask help, well it embarrasses me because I feel that i would've been able to solve my own problems.
I have no specific questions to ask, and nor do I expect anyone to have the perfect answers or any, to my questions. There is way too much history and memories to just come out and write a paragraph down and start a thread, this matter does not deserve such. I am going to start with the beginnings of my memories and the past, and I am going to write about it all the way to me typing on this computer today. I also believe in order to understand me you need to know me. I also will not say her name because it is not relevant.
I met Her, every day coming home on the bus I would try my best to get her to talk to me, she was very quiet. Eventually I was able to convince her to sit in the back with me and talk. We would talk for the entire 45 minute bus ride, she would get off about 15 minutes before me. This always gave me time to think about her till I got home and did my own thing. The school year would just roll on slowly and every day I started looking forward to the end of the day. Every day I would get on the bus and immediately look to see if she was on the bus that day. Eventually I started to realize that she was not happy at home. She would try to mask how she felt about going home, but I knew she didn't want to go home. Maybe she enjoyed talking to me so much because it got the fact of going home off her mind, I will never know. Days just seem to roll by so quick, looking back on this, I remember sitting next to her for a good month asking what was wrong, she would always just reply "nothing" I knew this was not true because I could see it in her that she dreaded to go home. Eventually she slowly started to talk to me about things, she would tell me that she didn't want to go home because of her father.
It was about fall, close to the end of the school year, I had ridden the bus home and so did her. She was upset again and it turns out her father was suppose to pick her up at the local bowling alley. He never showed up and left her there till midnight before one of the school teachers drove by and gave her a ride home. I told her if that ever were to happen again that she could call me, I gave her my number. OK lets fast forward a good bit, lets fast forward to that summer. School was out I had gotten my first horse, a 9 year old mustang gelding, he was a hot headed fireball but that is another story for another day.
It was a interesting night one that would change everything, it was about 10 pm. I had received a phone call of two girls laughing, saying ryan do you know who we are? It didn't take long to know one of them was her. I replied and said, "well i know one of you is "her" The other I did not know, but later I found out it was one of her good friends Elizabeth,,,,,,, for now lets call her best friend Elizabeth for ease of this story,,,,,, We talked till about midnight on this crazy phone conversation, I enjoyed it much it was fun and it kept me up late. Eventually these phone calls continued for a good month, she would call with one of her friends on the line, sometimes 10pm and sometimes shed wake me up lol at 2 am. Well I started falling for her, because her friends would usually pass out before she did. WE would talk alone on these late nights and we would ask each other questions, well these questions would last for a long time. Eventually she started to call me and we would talk alone, we would talk till 3 am sometimes. At this point we fell in love. Well We would talk and eventually we talked about the things young teenagers talk about. Well her father had picked up the phone and listened and caught us in a very awkward conversation. Well after this we no longer talked. School had picked up it was my sophomore year, I had dated some other people in my class but nothing was going too well. About this time her friend Elizabeth had a crush on me and she decided to let Elizabeth flirt and try to be with me, she didn't know that I like her. Well Elizabeth and I semi dated the end of my sophomore year. we hanged out some that summer but no biggie, we broke up. Well towards the end of that summer "her" and I started talking again, I then realized how much I liked her. We talked on the phone till 3 am again and then school started, well i had not gotten my license and i dropped out of high school. The only time i could see her was during open campus break, we would spend lunch time together. I fell hard for her, and this would be an understatement. We finally had our first kiss together and it was awkward but i will never forget it. Time went on and her father was getting angry, he had limited her phone calls. I could only call her every other day, and only for 15 minutes, this put an unbelievable strain on us. We toughed it out though, she had me watch "the notebook" I never thought a movie could tear me up so bad, she told me it reminded her of us.
About Christmas break she left to go to Arizona, well she met another guy. In after though i don't blame her. I couldn't be there for her we couldn't talk on the phone, and i didn't have my drivers license to see her when she was in town. She finally told me about him and i was irate. I told her i would choose for her and i broke up with her. I was distraught. I tried moving on, and it seemed to be working.
Well summer had rolled around and i started talking to Elizabeth again, we started to date but there was one problem "her" Elizabeth's friend was the one i fell hard for. I didn't think it was going to be a problem after all it has been half a year since i saw her last. Soon as i laid eyes on her all my old feeling came flooding back, i couldn't stop staring at her, and i longed to be with her. Well she finally couldn't stand it herself either, she left. I left Elizabeth to go see her, we sat on a park bench. She started crying and said I made a mistake i held her and said it was OK, I was trying not to tear up myself. Well a day had passed and i decided the best thing to do is to break up with Elizabeth again to be with her. I broke up with Elizabeth. I started being with her again, only problem was that we were not dating. She had lots of guys around her and was flirting with them and liked them. I couldn't stand it so I did what i do best I secluded myself away from her and try ed to hide, just like when we broke up the first time.
This didn't last to long, she had yelled at me and said she needed me in her life but she needed me as a friend, she had a cutting problem, and it was not your simple I'm doing it to get attention, it was really bad and dangerous. She still has those scars. I made a decision that i would not leave and seclude myself from her if she quit cutting. She quit that night and never did it again.
well it was about fall 2009 we would still talk, but we would have arguments, I would tel her that I loved her and she would get upset, every time I tell her I still love her it makes her get upset, but she would always tell me " I promise that I love you and always did and always will" This would tear me up cause if she loved me how could she not want to be with me? So a few weeks maybe a month had passed since I promised i would never leave her again like i did before. Well her parents were out of town for the weekend and she called me, asked if i wanted to see her at 10 pm, well I had finally gotten my license, And i said OK. Well I got there and she said want to watch a movie? I replied sure and she said ill pick it out, well she picked out the one movie she knew that would tear me up. We watched that night 'the notebook" She cried i tried not too, and we held each other all night long, we even kissed. This had brought back floods of memories the types that just make me break down. I finally had to leave, I got home and was torn up, she had a Boyfriend and it wasn't me but how can she still have those same feelings.
Well I pulled myself together and about new years i met another person, Tiffany. Well it was one of those normal 3 month relationships, we did the normal stuff went on dates made out in my truck. We finally broke up, It was a rough breakup cause It had been so long since i had a great relationship. At that time i had easy access to marijuana so i started to smoke a lot. It got me through that relationship fine.
May this year, had started and I was talking to "her" again, she had asked me to go to church with her. I decided that church wouldn't be so bad I'm not religious but I get to be with her. I hadn't seen her since that night at her house we would just talk online or the phone. I believed once and for all I was over her. That lasted about the whole 5 minutes of being with her before I wanted to be back with her. Well she was with a different guy this time around though so i knew it wouldn't work.
A few weeks later before church she told me she thought she was pregnant. I had been smoking a lot of marijuana for this year, and I have calmed down a lot. I decided not to worry about it, because she may just be worried and it might be too early to tell. I also told myself it wasn't my problem it was her BF I'm just her friend why should i let it bother me. Well June had rolled by and it was starting to become obvious she was in fact pregnant, you couldn't tell yet, but she was freaking out and I knew. She had never believed in abortion and this was no different, But something changed in her, instead of telling her BF she talked to me, when she was upset she called me. I could make her happy and her BF couldn't.
We started spending way too much time together. July 3rd came around and she decided to sneak out of the House to be with me at midnight. well i picked her up in my car, we decided to go to the nearest city, canon city. We went to walmart and bought ice cream drinks and all kinds of fun food. We then drove to the Arkansas river and laid next to each other and stared at the sky listening to the water. We walked back to the car and i told her we we rent leaving till she danced with me in the parking lot :) well of course with my luck there was not a slow song on the radio. Well i decided to two step like a fool and make her laugh, it worked. On the way home she fell asleep on my arm while I was driving. WE got to her road, i walked her home to her house. I told her that i always have been waiting to be with her and I always will be and helped her in her room and walked to my car few miles down the road alone. Best part was we had church in few hours we both were going too, we both slept for what we could which was not much, she told me she couldn't sleep when she got home and neither could I, all I could think was about her. We both went to church and hanged out afterwords, we talked about everything. it was a wonderful fourth of July.
a week had passed and she called me, she had to go to an ultrasound, well she wanted me to go with her and meet her afterword's. I told her why not take your BF well turns out she still had not told him. I told her i couldn't it wasn't right. I promised her everything would be OK. Well later after the ultrasound, she called me. The baby had no heartbeat and she had to miss carry. I have never heard anyone in my life as distraught as she was, it tore me apart knowing I couldn't be there for her. Well I have been working and trying to make her feel better, she is still upset till today.
This past week she has been isolating herself real bad, i cant get to talk to her much. She told me a few days ago that she was sorry for everything she has done to me, she has never apologized it has me worried.
I don't know how much I can take, I have a big inheritance coming in and I'm 19, I'm ready to get away from everything. I want to buy my truck and just drive till i find a nice little town and live there start over. I have ran out of will to keep trying, It hurts to much to be with her but not with her. Last thing i expected was to spend hours typing this, and post it on a forum for advice, I have tried so hard to move on and I can not, so now i feel its time to go away.
