So... I finally cut her off.
Some more (long) rambling from me after a long time gone from LF. Remember the infamous "non-girl" I used to tell you about? Well it's over, since 4 weeks ago.
I'll shorten the long story about how, since July 2009, we've had a two-faced, mostly online, "non-relationship" where she'd go from lovey-dovey to scaringly clingy, from pushing my emotional boundaries to seemingly disinterested, and after that one date we had in July, making all sorts of excuses to get out of the dates I proposed to her... in all of which I believed. We also confided a lot to each other, and because of some of the things she told me I believed in everything she said... I really fell in love with her. A strong person that had to go through a lot in life, from an abandoning father to an uncaring mother and an abusive ex-bf... and yet she hid her weaknesses from everyone but me.
Anyway... over the months it started falling apart. A few arguments, my growing frustration and her two-faced attitude... by early 2010 we barely talked at all (like once a week), although everything seemed ok when we did. (later she told me she had a brief spell with another guy over Jan, or maybe Feb... epic facepalm, no?)
Fast-forward to March. I found out that I was accepted in a high-quality MSc in theoretical physics in Canada. I was very excited and I told everyone... including her. But this must have triggered something on her - she seemed completely heartbroken that I was going away, and in the middle of her speech she asks me to go on a weekend with her, in a place pretty far from where we live. I said no. It didn't make sense to start it all over again when I was leaving in August. She was going to take the hint and take off, I think, but... I was weak. I thought it was real once again. So a few days later I just went to her town wait for her to leave school. We spent the afternoon together. Just talking, nothing else.
But after that things were different. We met a few more times, and we started texting a lot. Every morning I woke up to a text from her. *sigh* I really thought that first kiss was going to happen... (my first kiss...) that I would finally be with her as a real couple, you know? But no. Together with all this I started getting a lot of red flags. She didn't accept well my going to Canada, she accused me of not putting enough effort in it ('it' not being a relationship, mind you! And also note that I was the one that had to go the distance to meet her, she never deviated one inch from her life to come to me...), she had no words of sympathy for my ongoing depression, and I tried my best but none of my words had any effect on her... I told her that I loved her, (wasn't the first time. but it was the most meaningful one because it was the time when I actually expected a reaction), but to no avail. She didn't even comment it.
And then, the final drop. She invited me to this play with some other people, and everything seems well planned but first she tells me that she will have to contact a guy (which happens to be the guy she "was with" in Jan) to get an extra ticket for me. 2 days before the play she texts me saying that she couldn't get the ticket and the show was sold out, but I could go have dinner with her beforehand. Yeah right, 1 hour trip, 1 hour with her, and then having to go back while she goes to the play with her friends and that guy? Ludicrous. So I said that didn't make sense. "oh ok then, *guy* will come with me". How nice.
And the nicest of all was when I called the box office and they said they had plenty of tickets for the play. A play selling out in Portugal? Unthinkable.
So I gave up. Finally understanding it wasn't worth it, I left her a message wishing her well but asking her not to contact again. Soon after I deleted her from facebook and msn. She was completely enraged, called me all names, said she was right after all and I never had loved her, (when it was the other way round), but after two days her last email came in. Contact is all off now.
I'm heartbroken, but also feeling very stupid.. all this time wasted for nothing, feeding a fantasy, dreaming of someone that just pretended to care to get a massive ego boost from me... and August is coming, and I feel very lonely. I need someone else, but I can't get into anything so close to my departure... my health (Crohn's disease) is a bit deteriorated, my once excellent grades now are just "good", and I feel so.. stuck. Stuck to a life that I don't really want, and that won't change until I leave.
Canada can't come soon enough.
