Love Relationship advice needed, please

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25-10-13, 10:51 PM
Grimraven

Love Relationship advice needed, please

NOTE:I am 29, she is 25.

PAST:
I went on a date with a girl overseas. Only spent 4 some hours together, but it went great! We continued dating online over the distance for about 2 months. She is very open and honest about her life so she tells me basically everything. In 3 weeks from meeting me she met this new guy locally who she started seeing regularly telling me he is just a friend. I told her I will visit her for a weekend and booked a flight and I also booked her a flight 2.5 months ahead. She was excited and waiting for me. This new "friend" bugged me but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. One day, 10 days remaining till my flight to see her, she texted me saying that she no longer sees this guy as just a "friend" and does not know what to do. I cancelled my flight, took vacation time, skipped school and went to see her booking a new flight ASAP, because I knew I would lose her if I don't.

Even though, she was clearly more emotionally attached to her "friend" than me, she was probably feeling guilty and gave me a chance when I got there. She told her "friend" that she would not be able to live with a clear conscience if she just dumped me and therefore she is going to give me a chance. This guy, however, told her he will wait for her. I won her heart back in 2 days of being together with her. We spent two weeks of total spending every minute together, including nights and got intimate eventually. Her "friend" kept on texting her and she would respond while being in front of me and when I would be in the shower, she would call him. She was feeling bad for him. When there was a time for me to go back, she told me she can promise me again to wait for me like before, wait for the flight I booked which at this point was about 2 months ahead, but she is not sure she will be able to keep her promise, because she feels very lonely and needs to have someone close...

PRESENT:
Realizing the situation, I modified the flight 2 weeks ahead, leaving her time to wrap things up with her personal life and work. She was ok to leave everything and come over to stay with me permanently. While waiting for her arrival, she told me she is going to see her "friend" once again and asked me not to be mad. She explained that she needs to see him in person to explain her choice and clarify her feelings towards me. I was uncomfortable with her going to meet him in person, but I tried my hardest to understand her and got over this. Expecting that this was her last time seeing him in person, I was greatly disappointed soon. Few days later she told me she was walking past his workplace and texted him to come out and say hello. Well, that turned into a dinner and him taking care of her by giving her ride and taking her to do her business and then taking her back home.
I told her I am really hurt and upset of such behavior. She was surprised I was feeling that way. I explained to her, that this is hurting me emotionally and asked her to stop seeing this guy. She made no promises, but told me just like before I went to see her for 2 weeks that I have nothing to worry about, that I should just trust her and she definitely sees him as just a friend again and brought the fact that she is leaving everything behind and coming to be with me permanently, so that should assure me. That was not assuring to me at all and not any less frustrating and I told her that. I also asked her to put herself in my shoes and when she did, she admitted that she would be super jealous, furious and would explode if I did something like this to her. Meanwhile, I kept my cool and never raised my voice when discussing this issue with her.
Recently I read that what she did to me is considered emotional affair, because I was unaware that cheating could not only be a physical act but also an emotional. It seems that currently she is slipping back to the old times and it's making me worried.

WHAT TO DO NEXT?:
Since I asked her nicely not to meet this guy again, and explained my feelings to her, what should I do if she tells me she met this guy again?
She continues texting him and calling him and having him on facebook, by the way. Should I tolerate her relationship with him as long as it's not in person?
25-10-13, 10:58 PM
DalM0m

I wouldn't book any more expensive flights until she's clear. I suspect the stress of an OL / LDR is getting to her. Although there are more ways to keep in touch now through technology, nothing replaces being there. Some people can't hack it.

I am a big believer in what I call "pre-existing friends of the opposite sex." If you meet somebody & start dating them but they have an opposite sex friend, I have always said you need to leave it alone & get along with that person because they were there first. However, new opposite sex friends are problems because they are rarely just friends & clearly this guy is more. Accordingly I think you are well within your rights to request that she have no contact with him. I don't think you are going to get that. He's in a better geographical position then you.

Unfortunately I think this is one of those things that just can't be sustained do to the distance. In 20 years you will look back & remember fondly your exotic overseas romance but it will be nothing more than a memory. Sorry.
25-10-13, 11:01 PM
Grimraven

Quote:

Originally Posted by DalM0m [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I wouldn't book any more expensive flights until she's clear. I suspect the stress of an OL / LDR is getting to her. Although there are more ways to keep in touch now through technology, nothing replaces being there. Some people can't hack it.

I am a big believer in what I call "pre-existing friends of the opposite sex." If you meet somebody & start dating them but they have an opposite sex friend, I have always said you need to leave it alone & get along with that person because they were there first. However, new opposite sex friends are problems because they are rarely just friends & clearly this guy is more. Accordingly I think you are well within your rights to request that she have no contact with him. I don't think you are going to get that. He's in a better geographical position then you.

Unfortunately I think this is one of those things that just can't be sustained do to the distance. In 20 years you will look back & remember fondly your exotic overseas romance but it will be nothing more than a memory. Sorry.

Well, the thing is, her flight is in one week, we plan to get married and be together permanently...This is why I am not sure, if I should make such a request as to strictly stop seeing this guy or just wait for her to come over here?
25-10-13, 11:15 PM
DalM0m

If you two will be together in a week, definitely talk about it when you are together.

When she gets here, is she staying? If yes, then I suppose a text or two to the other guy could be harmless.

However, until she is here permanently, I don't really see a basis for you to have any faith that she will lick this guy out of her life, especially if she is walking past his office having dinner with him etc. She has basically known the both of you for the same amount of time.

I hate to say this, but is there any possibility that she is using you as a way to come to the USA & get a green card? Where are you both in the immigration process?
25-10-13, 11:22 PM
Grimraven

nah, I don't think so. She really does not want to come over here, because she will miss her parents. It took me a lot of effort to convince her to move over here.
So, still, do you think that if she meets this guy again, AFTER I asked her not to, and tells me and even though I would feel really hurt, I should just let it go and wait for her arrival?
How does this affect the future. What I am worried about if I let it go as "ok" she would be comfortable doing something like this in the future.
25-10-13, 11:57 PM
DalM0m

If she's telling you that she doesn't want to come over here because she will miss her parents, you don't have a future.

What's your other choice at this point regarding her upcoming visit? Can you get your money back for the ticket?

This would all be too much drama for me in an LDR. They take huge amounts of trust which you two don't seem to have.

I suspect that the idea of getting married & living happily every after is just a romantic fantasy. As beautiful as the dream might be, I don't see it becoming reality. If you do, explain to me how.
26-10-13, 12:18 AM
Kromat83

Finding someone local is always the best option as I have too went through a long distance relationship and it's the girl that has the doubts. Your just losing time, when you can find someone that will become long term.
It's your life, but unless it can work and it's all positive, then continue, otherwise do not.
26-10-13, 12:45 AM
Grimraven

Quote:

Originally Posted by DalM0m [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If she's telling you that she doesn't want to come over here because she will miss her parents, you don't have a future.

What's your other choice at this point regarding her upcoming visit? Can you get your money back for the ticket?

This would all be too much drama for me in an LDR. They take huge amounts of trust which you two don't seem to have.

I suspect that the idea of getting married & living happily every after is just a romantic fantasy. As beautiful as the dream might be, I don't see it becoming reality. If you do, explain to me how.

Well, I was probably not very clear. She wants to be with me, she loves me. She would prefer not to move out of country to be with me, because she is very attached to her mother and says she will miss her work place and people there. I told her we will be visiting her parents yearly during summer or winter holidays, for example, and she will be able to communicate over webcam or call them anytime she wants, so that was alright with her. What I was trying to say is that she would rather not move out but in order to be with me she will. There is just this thing that she enjoys guys company more than girls, she stated that many times that she likes spending time with guys more than girls and she also gets a lot of attention from guys at work - compliments, gifts, flowers etc. She is a very good looking girl, so I think it's natural. She is, however, emotionally weak, so she feels lonely a lot, when I am here and she is over there. That's why that guy-"friend" came into the picture and that's why I almost lost her. What I am upset about is that she does not understand why she should not be seeing him again, when we have plans to marry and create future together. She thinks that after betraying me emotionally it's ok to continue seeing him and treat him as a friend again.

I think that when she moves here, we will be happy together. I am just worried that not being strict enough with her and not making her to choose between relationship with me on a condition that she stops seeing her guy-"friend" and seeing her guy-"friend" but then cutting me lose will react in the future as she will think that such behavior is ok, which is obviously not.

On the other hand, I am afraid to put pressure on her, when all I have left is 1 week for her to come over here and be with me...

As far as, how this would work, I think we get married, she starts her new life which I will help her build. She will get a job, find new friends. We have a community here, so finding new friends won't be hard. We will have family together. How would this not work? yeah, she will miss her parents, but which girl wouldn't? I think it's normal and it will get easier over time. I mean, at least that's what I am hoping for. You never know, unless you try.
26-10-13, 12:51 AM
Grimraven

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kromat83 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Finding someone local is always the best option as I have too went through a long distance relationship and it's the girl that has the doubts. Your just losing time, when you can find someone that will become long term.
It's your life, but unless it can work and it's all positive, then continue, otherwise do not.

You are correct, that local realationship would be much easier and would have more chances to work, but I don't want to walk away just because it gets hard. I like to try everything I can before it fails and hopefully it doesn't
26-10-13, 12:56 AM
DalM0m

You can't be "strict" with your GF / FI / DW. You are not her father. She is free to make her own choices.

I have tons of male friends & b/c I work in a male dominated profession I do make new male friends a lot. I always tell DH about them. I try to limit my interactions with them to work stuff, or at least work hours. Sometimes the relationships bleed over into social / friendships but I include my husband when I do things out of work with other men . . . . or at least I give him the option to come alone. Many times he declines because our shop talk is boring to him. My profession is pretty technical so it's nice to have people I can talk to about work stuff.

You have to figure out where you are comfortable with having the lines drawn. I think one of the reasons my DH is so OK with all of the other men in my life is that I am super clear with everybody about where the boundaries are. You have already described this woman as weak. I can see the problems from here.

All I can tell you is that you have to talk to her. You both have to be comfortable with what she's doing. If you hate it & she insists, perhaps she doesn't have enough regard for your feelings. You can't tell her what to do & expect her to obey you. That unrealistic road leads to divorce court. Until you work this out to your mutual satisfaction, don't get married.
26-10-13, 01:05 AM
Grimraven

Quote:

Originally Posted by DalM0m [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can't be "strict" with your GF / FI / DW. You are not her father. She is free to make her own choices.

I have tons of male friends & b/c I work in a male dominated profession I do make new male friends a lot. I always tell DH about them. I try to limit my interactions with them to work stuff, or at least work hours. Sometimes the relationships bleed over into social / friendships but I include my husband when I do things out of work with other men . . . . or at least I give him the option to come alone. Many times he declines because our shop talk is boring to him. My profession is pretty technical so it's nice to have people I can talk to about work stuff.

You have to figure out where you are comfortable with having the lines drawn. I think one of the reasons my DH is so OK with all of the other men in my life is that I am super clear with everybody about where the boundaries are. You have already described this woman as weak. I can see the problems from here.

All I can tell you is that you have to talk to her. You both have to be comfortable with what she's doing. If you hate it & she insists, perhaps she doesn't have enough regard for your feelings. You can't tell her what to do & expect her to obey you. That unrealistic road leads to divorce court. Until you work this out to your mutual satisfaction, don't get married.

yeah. that makes perfect sense, and I forgot to thank you for your advises. However, I had a serious conversation with her explaining that a specific relationship with that guy who she was falling for making me very uncomfortable and even hurting me, now that she is seeing him again. She asked me if she was able to talk to him over skype when she moves in here, and I told her no, I would not be comfortable with that. She did not make any clear response of what she will do next, leaving me doubting. So again, if after all of this talk with her, if she meets with him again when I clearly stated I am not ok with, what are my options? Should I just tell her straight up to make her choice and decide what matters to her more - relationship with me or this other guy and even resort to leaving her? I can't even think of such option, because I do love her and can't even imagine losing her, but at the same time I am not sure how to get her to appreciate my feelings and stop seeing this other guy, because that is hurting me a lot.
26-10-13, 03:30 AM
DalM0m

These are your options as I see them:

1. Tell her to make a choice him or you & be prepared to walk away if she picks him.

2. Stick around after she picks him, try to bury your feelings & have that not work so you resent her, fight all the time, love a generally miserable life & pay a fortune because you either lost all your wedding deposits or spend a ton of money on divorce lawyers
26-10-13, 09:40 AM
smackie9

I know you really love this girl, but you have been had.......love does make you blind because you believe everything she tells you.....I bet money on it they have been sleeping together and have been spending lots of time together. It's a losing battle bud.....