Death Tears and Lost Memories

One month after two years,
Sitting in my first hour class one morning when I started coughing and then a large tear rolled down my cheeks. What is the cause I wondered to myself all day. That night I was hit with a big fever that knocked me out to wonderland where I heard him. I heard a voice calling me on the other line. The voice seem to make sense to me and then the memories flooded my mind with pictures and sounds that I was suppose to know. Crying in my sleep, I flooded my pillows with tears that I have no idea why. The sweet voice I thought to be the voice I have always heard wasn’t there when I awoke from the deep sleep I have been in. Sweats and tears rolled down my face leaving me looking worst then before; leaving me hurting. The feeling of falling off a cliff into the deep ocean swept over me like a dead person.
Remembering the summer, two years ago I have met a guy online in the hmongonline chat room. A president my cousin knew from the youth in Menominee and Duluth. I thought that he was the one. We would talk every single night whether it was night or day, snowy, raining, sunny or windy. We talked about everything together; we shared everything together as one. As time progress only tears shed and happiness ended. It’s been two years now; this is my story.
I was up late one night chatting, letting time pass by and here I meet the nicest person. He was probably one of the nicest person who knows how to talk to make others' heart ease. After a couple chats he finally called me one late night and we talked. I thought that we were the perfect couple anyone would have had. It was like movies, and my life changed into a life where my dreams came true. When I would cry he would be there for me to cry on and when I’m down he would cheer me up. At first I didn’t know that he had someone on his mind and he was worrying about not getting her. I finally found out when my brother told me the story on how they both were fighting over this one Yang girl and then suddenly she got married and their lives shattered. He turned back to me and while we were dating, he came a couple times to visit me but end up lost or in some other places close by. Ever night I sleep I would think about what he’s doing and how is he, is he sick with a fever or is he crying. I starved myself for five and a half weeks, praying for him and his family every single night and day. Soon after that I got weaker and weaker, wanting to sleep more and more. He had dropped out of college after all of those hard work and how jobs are hard to find so I offer to help him find the best jobs that has a good pay that he can live off of. I have spent many days and nights recording music and trying to find jobs for him too. Days and nights wasted without doing my schoolwork. Sacrificing my friends and school to help him find a job. Finally one day I found him lots of jobs; the only difficulty was that he lives farther then the job sites so I decided to mail him. I remember this was still the time I was recovering from all the sickness. I will never forget that I wasn’t early enough to reach the mailbox so I ended up chasing the mailing truck in order to mail the application on time to him. He ended up not applying to the applications. Then I found Americorps where they help pay for half of your college courses and still he doesn’t take action towards that. All I ever wanted was for him to get an education so that his life is better then the one he has. The running around without any sleep and not eating in order to find the jobs for him had made me weaker an weaker. One night my nose gave up and bleeds for three hours straight. My mom tried hmong medication and everything else but still wouldn’t work so I ended up in the hospital. After that night I had a coma for two and a half days before talking and eating again. He was indeed the first to know but the last to call. Still hoping that God would help him, and indeed he had improved. Knowing all the good news I improved too. Not long after that I had another incident that almost killed me. A mother’s love of her child had brought me back as her daughter again. I remember talking with Tou that night, we had a great talk nothing else could have separated the happiness I had that night. About midnight I finish talking with Tou and went to sleep, later on I decided to go to the bathroom and once inside I do not recall anything besides the voices calling me back. That night all I remember was the cries of my siblings and my dear mother who desperately wanted her daughter back. I never question my mother what happened that night. She told me that I was dead and wasn’t responding to anything until early in the morning. “My dear daughter please wake up, Tou is calling you, why don’t you wake up and answer him? He wants to talk to you, come back and answer his call, don’t you love him and your parents anymore?” Mom chanted in hmong.

I finally awoke with pains all over my body, recalling nothing but the voice calling me. After that I have slept more then before. Craving for sleep during the day and wanting to stay up during night hour.

With everything happening I remembered that I was once told by an old lady that before my twenties I will die if I chose my wrong path and if I can find my other path then I will live to be old.


Tou hasn’t call for weeks now; it’s been more and more lonesome.
One day he called that his dad and his sister they were going to a Milwaukee family party and decided to stop by for a couple minutes. Before they came, I dreamt that they brought an army camp with them, and the people were sleeping outside and Tou and his family was sleeping inside with my family. (They said that dreams weren’t true so I forgot about the dream) Tou they finally made it to my house but we were too shy too face each other. I forgot how he looked like that day. When his family got to my house they sat and ate for a while before heading back to St. Paul. His dad asked if we could take some pictures together and we took a couple shots before they headed back. When they headed back I finally felt safe. After the visit Tou’s calls decreased and I knew the reason why but kept to myself because I have met with my doctor and knew that I have lung problems and wouldn’t be able to live long if it becomes active. The symptoms became too huge that I couldn’t hide it from anyone because of my continuous cough. Throwing up small and large amounts of blood not letting anyone know, covering up the point that my body was shutting down on me. I also stopped going to my family doctor. Knowing my limit, I sadly went to Washington DC (the nation’s capital) with my school group and said my goodbyes to Tou. Not knowing when and where I would die I gladly said goodbye. Knowing that my heart is still out there, I still couldn’t leave. I’m still waiting but no long do I wait. I have forgotten how he sounded like and how he looked. Never in all my years have it been as sad as this year. I have always been a decent person who loves to laugh at everything but now that my heart is all dried I have lost my hope in the future. If I lived through everything my heart wouldn’t be as it was before. Things I remember came to me as a dream or else I wouldn’t be able to remember anything. My tears are still falling for fear I might leave my love ones behind. For fear I wouldn’t be able to dream about him anymore. I am afraid to forget my life, fear of not knowing who I am.


Words for everyone;

If you have someone who you love no matter how far or near please do keep them or else if you lose them between life and death then you may never get to see them ever again. And if you know of someone who’s dying, do what you have to ease his or her pain. No one had really helped me with my pain so every single day when new days arise I feel the pain of being alone and not having someone to hold my life a little longer. Each day I feel that my life is shorter then the day before. Less hope as days goes by. Less hope of surviving. I am sorry if my story was a boring one but this is the story of my life. If you ask me do I still love him? My answer is yes, very much indeed.
^_^ you guys out there be happy for what you have because others are less unfortunate then you are with their life and their time.

Autumn did die down and the next year round it will never be the same with autumn again. That is the same with humans.

Tou =
Remember there is still someone dying to remember you and dying to see you for the very last time. ^_^ So much I need to say but now I have to go. If there are miracles I would like my pains to heal. As time goes by I wish you and yours the best in this world. I will never stop praying for you, and I will be watching over you. Good night my love and remember I love you though.

Thanks for reading my story..

Written by: @utumn