SERIOUS internal debate...
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hey, all. joi sasha's my name. i am in serious need of some advice. i should listen to my womanly instincts, but sometimes even that seems to be wrong. i'll try to sum it up:
i've been in a few serious relationships (at least two to five years in length each). i am monogamous and *very* sensual and always quite honest. i like to spend time. i appreciate trust--a relationship cannot exist without it. so, i am dating a man who has the qualities that i would love for my future husband to have: intelligent (college educated), physically attractive (he models ;)), humorous to the UTMOST, someone mature and caring and sensible. when we decided to see one another, it was as if we already knew we would bond how we have over the past few months. i care for him dearly. for once, i feel as though i am dating someone i have commonalities with, and i would love for this relationship to last. he also believes what i do about marriage and family...it seems meant to be for years to come. maybe...
the issue is that, quite honestly, many friends have questioned his sexuality. and i have as well. he does have some very feminine qualities and accepts the fact himself. if you asked, he would call himself "metrosexual," a heterosexual man who has many feminine qualities stereotypically attributed to homosexual men. from what i've been told of his past, it seems that at one time he *was* attracted to men. i love his unique style and even find him to be fairly masculine, but this fact is something that i can hardly handle. i cannot see him with a man. of course that may be because i want him for myself. to discover this was shocking...and extremely hurtful. althoug he says that he has struggled with these feelings even after he felt them fading, he loves women and says he love me. i hurt right now because i've been in relationships where my man was cruel and unfaithful even when i was truly faithful, regardless of long distance.
maintaining trust is diffucult for me. so, i have hard feelings of distrust...now for men as well as women. my boyfriend is also a virgin...i am not. this is something i respect, but it also makes me question who he is actually attracted to. how do i know if he wants me as a woman if he is rarely affectionate, however sweet he is, and has never experienced making love to a woman? the questions that are running through my mind are many. i've also been physically and emotionally abused in the past...this new relationship is slightly sadistic. this scares me to the core, even though he makes it seem playful.
i feel that, as wonderful as certain aspects of this man ARE, i am setting myself up for more pain. i do NOT want to invest years of myself into something and end up unsatisfied (in more than one way) and without him in my life. i am ready to settle down. i am not sure if this is worth the spoken and unspoken risks involved. fear is driving this posting. anyone been here? are my risks realistic? if distrust lingered, would you stay in the relationship or simply go? please...any constructive comments are welcome...this is eating me alive, ever so slowly. *peace*
