Problem with premature ejaculation and relationships. Please Help!

Hello everyone,

I am in need of some advice regarding a particular issue that continues to negatively affect my love life, and consequentially, many other aspects of my everyday life. I’m not so used to asking other people for relationship advice regarding this particular problem, since it is something that has been a source of embarrassment for me throughout my life. So, I would just like to thank you all in advance for hearing me out. I apologize if this is a bit too lengthy

Ever since I can remember, I have been somewhat of a shy person, particularly around girls. Although I don’t believe it to be the sole cause, I think that going to a religious, all –boy’s school may have been a factor which prevented me from acquiring some of the necessary skills to overcome my shyness. I feel that during my 4 years at college, I’ve been able to overcome many of my fears, which has led me to overcome my shyness in many aspects in life. I forced myself to overcome many fears, including my fear of public speaking, and I have become much more confident in my opinions and views. Yet, there is one issue that has always been the cause of much anxiety, fear, and lack of self- confidence. That issue is premature ejaculation. (I tend to last between 30sec-2 minutes with a condom, depending on how comfortable I am with the person)

While not trying to sound arrogant, I think I am a pretty good looking guy. I’m tall I work out and girls usually find me pretty attractive. But somehow this seems to add to my feelings of anxiety, because I can’t stand the thought of people knowing about my “condition”. The thought of being unable to satisfy the person I love bothers me greatly, because I genuinely feel that sex is a very important part of a relationship. So while I feel like I have the ability to be very confident with women, I am being pulled down by the fear of disappointing my sexual partner. I find it hard to be flirty at clubs or parties, because that may lead to her wanting to have sex, which is something I begun to fear.

For the past few months, I really started to develop feeling for a girl I know (I’ll call her ‘Rachel’), and I knew she felt the same way about me. But knowing that she has been sexually active for a very long time, along with my perception of her being a very sexually open person, made me feel like I should wait before I made a move. Over the past few months I found a girl who was interested in a “friends with benefits” relationship, in order to boost my confidence sexually. During this period, I stayed close with ‘Rachel’ but a short while ago, we ended up kissing. Since then we have been seeing each other, but we haven’t had sex yet. Being with her made me feel like she might be the kind of person who may overlook the fact that I cannot last very long, however last night something she said simply shut me down. She was out with me and some other guys, and as a joke, we told her that she should feel comfortable and join in with some “dick-talk”( we just meant “guy talk”, but it was all just in good spirit). She started telling a story about a guy she was hooking up with recently (to her credit, she didn’t disclose the name of that person), and that when they were about to have sex he came before he penetrated her.

I can understand why she would think it was somewhat of an amusing story, but hearing it just knocked the wind out of me. I could barely speak with her for the rest of the night. She asked me what was wrong but I had nothing to respond. I kept on thinking that I was just going to be her next “humorous story”. Even though she is a very honest and open person, I just can’t stop thinking about what she said and it’s eating me up inside.

One side of me just wanted to tell her everything. I want to be honest and open with her. But after what she said the other night, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’d love to hear your opinions on this matter, because this girl really does mean a lot to me and I don’t want to have to let her go.

Thank you,
JDee33

JDee.
I'm a guy. I'm also married, so take my advice for what it is worth to you knowing those two things.

Nearly every guy in the world knows what you are talking about because they were once teenagers too. Even though I grew out of that stage, it was still embarassing to me that I couldn't "last" as long as I wanted until well into my late twenties (which is right around a year ago). All that understood, Rachel may not know how to handle you being so upfront with her, so you might want to allow her some freedom to smile or even laugh when you tell her. But you MUST have that conversation. If it is a good relationship, she will listen, and she will tell you not to worry. If it were a one-night stand then you would have something to worry about AND you wouldn't want to tell her ahead of time.

That conversation should happen right before sex or even after a brief hookup. Either way, she should know your insecurity. If she knows, then she'll be nothing but helpful. This may be a blessing in disguise, because there is nothing like find a woman patient enough to grow with you, and many people don't know how to find that. It just so happens you have an issue that you're self-aware enough about to see how patient Rachel can be.

Good luck man.

There is a huge different between lasting 30 seconds to two minutes and coming before penetration. If you can get it in, it counts. Maybe you will last longer on the second go round. I seem to remember hearing about a spray that is supposed to help deaden sensitivity so a guy can last longer. Anyway, I think most women prefer oral sex to long sessions of intercourse. If you go down on her first, I doubt she will care how long you last. Also I think it was in rather poor taste for her to joke about someone's sexual performance in front of others. That would turn me off right there.

Thanks for the advice guys. I really appreciate the help :)

Practice makes perfect my friend. What I am about to say is going to probably disgust you, but it has been proven to help. Tell her how you feel, if she does not understand your situation then quite frankly, she is not the right women for you. Now to the good part. If she understand, just go nuts with her. Have as much sex as you possibly can with her. With my current girlfriend, when we first started out, I wouldn't last longer then 3-4 min. ( usually a lot longer the second time around) However, after a year, it now goes on for 30-50 min of bliss. The key is to learn about yourself first. Many, MANY men have the same issue that you have. Just work on holding it back. Look up "PC Muscles" in google. That might help you out as well. Good luck, and don't put yourself down because of this. Anxiety makes it alot worse, and you end up finishing quicker. G

Get her to give you a massage before sex and then you give her one.

I know that if I catch my man on a day he's already handled himself, it takes FOREVER to get him to finish. As opposed to 10-15 mins if he didn't handle himself. I'm a 26 year old girl, and let me tell you that if before I was going to have sex especially for the first time with someone, they came to me with this, and looked really serious and upset about it, it would kill the mood for me. Although I would listen, be concerned and offer my support, it just wouldn't be the same. Try going for it once and then going down on her and going for it again. If you can make her cum from oral, sex is always WAY better after that anyways. Try drinking a little? Not too much that you can't get it up or function, but usually it prolongs the sensation, and maybe try wearing thicker condoms. You can try masturbating a few times during the day if you think you'll see her at night, and you can try some type of training yourself to last longer while you masturbate alone at home..

Why would he be pleasing himself before you do Steeler if yall married? Thats off to me.