Need advice - help, don't know how what to do or how to choose, find the right one
Hi to all of you, I got a big problem that's bugging me and I don't know how to resolve it. Hope you guys and girls can maybe help me out. I will try and give it my best to make it as short as it can be.
I am 28 years old and so far I didn't have a normal relationship. Let me explain that part, I had a few relationships that lasted for 2 years and also a few for 1 year and some short stuff that was in months. The problem is, I always choose the wrong people for those things. I never had the „happy ever after“ thing that I am looking for. I wish to be in a good and stable relationship were the both of us love each other, live together and are looking forward to marry one day in the future. You know, when both people understand each other perfectly. When things are simple and easy, we care and understand each other. Compromises are done, both of us are crazy for each other in mind and body etc. That would be a ideal one, yet I find and stick with something totally different.
All my life it was only two options;
1. I find a person who loves me and would do everything for me yet I don't love that person and I am not very much attracted to that girl.
2. I find a girl who I fall crazy in love in about 1-2 months and she is extremely bad for me and doesn't share the same emotions as I do, she doesn't care much. (Let me explain the bad part for me; one was a techno junkie on the pills, the other was bipolar, the third was manipulative, the last was emotionally retarded.)
So as you can see from the above, I never had a situation in my life where the both of us were on the same page, when both cared a lot, had feelings and attracted each other. I really don't know who the fu*k that feels, since from the first time I felt love it was also a one way street. I loved that girl from 15 years till 19 years and she didn't care much, for me love was more a painful experience then something relaxing and that you enjoy. Let me clear this part also, I am a very emotional person. And whenever I loved someone I was hurt a lot since like I said above the picks on my side were not really good ones, yet then again how do you actually pick a person who you want to fall in love with? You can't choose those things, or can you?
Now we are coming closer to my main story part. I came back from summer 2016, had a short relationship from June till October it didn't last long but it was extremely emotional for me, and in loved that girl like crazy much. But she was the emotionally retarded one and she told me bye I can't. The horrible part is now when I look at her, she is definitely not good for me and we are not a good match, yet my mind was foggy from those crazy emotions. And it's always like that, I can't see the bad people that are not for me and the good people I honestly like I don't feel attraction and I don't fall in love with them.
OK OK, so back to the story. I meet a girl online 6 months ago and we hit it off easy on the first coffee. The conversation was flowing so easy, time was going so fast and we didn't have any silent moments. So after that we hanged out more and more, literally talked over Skype the whole day. I put the laptop next to my PC Skype here and when I go on the toilet I take my laptop, when I shower I take my laptop, when we went to bed we talked on the laptop before someone would go to sleep etc. We did that for like 5 months now, every ****ing day. We hang out so much and we talk to each other so ****ing much. She is a student, 24 years old and I only work on summer times, so we both have a lot of free time now. Ofc we had sex and the sex is OK – good. You ask yourself now, wtf is the problem man?
Well the problem is that she is 182cm (5.97 feet) tall and had 130 kilograms 286 pounds, now she is on 100 kilograms 220 pounds and she still wants to lose more weight. Problem is I don't like big girls, I find it very unattractive and there is a lot of loose skin on here, that looks horrible in my opinion. She still want's to lose 20 more kgs so even more skin and I think that is a big factor that is blocking me and my emotions. In the start we both were solo, I didn't have any emotions so we were like yeah let's be **** friends only and keep it simple. But as you imagine from so much time spent together I have a lot of feelings for her. We are both so similar in our views, expectation in our life, things we want, how we look at the world bla bla. So many things incoming, like someone did a copy paste of my mind only one is male the other female.
So now the problem is she loves me and want's to be with me and I love her extremely as a person but I didn't fall in love with her. I literally feel like we are a old couple that is married for already 20 years. The sex is ok, not crazy. The sparks are not here but we like each other, everything is good but not you know the way I want it to be. I want passionate sex, I want to love her fully and accept here 100% and wish the same from here. I want to give her my max, I can get those things from here but I can't give them. I am scared, I don't want some half as maybe relationship just because I didn't have anything better. I don't want to be with her since she is safe for me and good for me.
Yet again I really don't want to be with girls who don't deserve me and who don't care shit about me. I am so confused what we should do now. So I told her how I need time to think and we should not talk or see each other for some time. The timing is good since summer is soon here and I will have a lot of work and will not be able to see here since I am going in a totally different county for that period. I am lost, I don't know what to do. We are a super match in personality and literally everything is smooth expect I didn't fall in love, I don't find her very attractive since of the weight and excessive skin.
I am 28 years old and I really don't know will I ever be able to find a normal relationship, I feel like I will **** up again and have someone who doesn't deserve me and who will **** me up. Yet then again if I accept her, I don't want to **** her up, I don't want to look at other more visually attractive girls and be with her, I don't want to settle just because it's a safe option. The both of us are looking for true love and someone who will accept is fully yet the both of us fail hard at that. And we choose to be with each other since there is nobody who is a better option for her or me.
We are not together and do everything together yet again we are not in a relationship, we are not a couple and we don't know wtf we are doing. The story is so much longer and much more complex then this but I thing you get the point form this text I wrote down. I hope you can give me some advice or tell me from your life. This is a very important thing for me and I want to do the best thing for the both of us. But I don't know what? Try, or not to try? I know she will lose the weight and all but then again that doesn't guarantee that I will fall in love ever with her. Maybe yes, maybe no maybe who the **** knows, right? I am really lost and sad and we cried and cried each time we talk about this so this cool down period over a summer is at least a good thing to think about it all.
I really don't know what makes a relationship work, how people choose each other who are in a good and stable relationship. How do people know they are good each for the other? My whole family married out of interest. My parents, my aunt and uncle, etc. All of them ****ing morons, I really don't want that for me... They all have shallow and shit relationships that I hope to God I will never have. Id rather be solo for life then make a mistake like that, yet the idea of being solo scares the shit out of me. But looks very realistic since all for now didn't go good at all. Always some stupid problem.
