Am I a bad girlfriend?

3 months ago, a random guy inboxed me and the first thing that came into my mind was that he's just like every other guy that string girls along and take advantage of them. I had a really hard time trusting people online because the last time I did, I ended up in deep misery and almost lost my mind.

Like every other conversation, we started with a "hi", he replied quite fast that day so we really got to talk about our similarities to personal things. I never realized that I was getting attached at that day until I realized that I felt kind of lonely when he takes long to reply. I shook off that feeling because I couldn't trust anyone from the internet.

After a couple of hours he messaged me again and I felt so happy talking to him and i really felt so comfortable. We both felt like we've known each other for years even though it was just the first time we ever talked.

The morning came and I expected him to have left and never messaged me again after the last night's talk. I didn't expect much from him because he is merely just a random stranger. My day went on without checking my phone and expecting a text from him. At night after school I checked my messages and saw that there was a message from him. I immediately checked it out for i never expected he'd talk to me again. From that day onwards we talked all day and all night. His replies got slower and slower. He had work but he would sneak his phone out and text me. I'm not a very busy person and even when I am, I'm still the type of person who replies in a blink of an eye so imagine how annoying it is for me to receive slow replies. I knew he had work and he had things to do, he's also in college, and he's 5 years older than I am.

We were similar but different at the same time. Our differences were the major causes of our uncountable fights. Yes, we had fights. He accused me of being immature because according to him "I expect him to text me all the time" which in my defense isn't what i'm trying to say. All I wanted was to feel loved and I didn't need to be texted every hour. A simple good morning and good night text would do since he's busy most of the time but on his defense "he isn't very expressive through chat" it took us 2 months before we could meet because we were living in different countries. I went to the country he stays for I also have some business to do there.

We finally met. It was awkward but at the same time I felt very comfortable with him. I know his love is there. I know that it's somewhere but I just couldn't feel it. I am sure that between the two of us it's me who loves more and it's me who hurts more. We had big fights. I really get pissed when all he knows is to reply sarcastically even when he knows i'm already mad so I threatened to break up with him and most of the time he starts to put his ego down and talks to me properly. The big fights started from small ones. It's built up anger that fuels the fire. It was the past mistakes that makes everything worse. It was my emotions and his ego that were clashing together. I was insecure of his friends because it feels like he doesn't value me as much as he does to them. I demanded for his time alone because I thought I deserve as much time as he gives to his friends. I was jealous and for the first time someone convinced me that I indeed am immature because most of the time, people think I'm quite mature for my age.

The days went by, I wanted to meet him everyday but I couldn't, he lives 30-45mns away. It was him who travels all the way to my city so we could meet. We meet once a week and it couldn't be anymore magical. Moments with him lasted for seconds and moments away from him dragged on forever. He felt the same but I still wasn't satisfied. Why am I like this? Why am I so demanding? Why couldn't i feel his love even though I know it's there? It sucks when I text first. It sucks when I text last. It sucks when he doesn't say good morning and good night. I could only count in my fingers the number of times he texted me first and greeted good morning and good night. It sucks when he couldn't put his ego down. It sucks because over the course of 3 months he has changed. I couldn't feel my importance in his life anymore day by day. It hurts to feel like he doesn't love me. It hurts because I don't know how he expresses his love. He found so many romantic things "cheesy" like endearments. I know it's immature but it would really feel nice to feel like I matter to him and besides we're going to have to live with these little chats for more years to come. It's basically all we have since we are in a long-distance relationship.

I know that he loves me (i wish i felt it more) and he knows that i love him so much but it's very difficult to hold on because maybe this isn't how it's supposed to be for me. I hate the fact that I am more into him than he is into me. It hurts a lot. For him, I'd give Up everything, and I would risk it all but Im tired of compromising just so I don't lose him but I'm not so sure if he would do the same for me. It's painful but I just couldn't let go. Why isn't love ever enough?

I think it is human nature that we are constantly looking for love, to be loved. Ultimately, only God can love us unconditionally. To have a healthy relationship, it is always good to have an open & honest communication. Perhaps, you both can set aside a time to sit and talk openly about what you both want out of the relationship. Hopefully, you will find peace and live happy. All the best.

Imagine please that you had a man who looked like him, talked like him and smelled like him. This guy however would always text you. He would tell you 10 times a day at least how much he loves you. Flowers every Sunday. He would be constantly the one who was totally into you and basically worshipping you. He would fulfill every which before you even talked about it. He would change himself for however you wanted him to be

How attracted would you be to him?


My advise would be to stop being egocentered, but also stop one sided agreeing and start compromising (which involves both of you to talk and find solutions together)
My advice would be to enjoy pleasing him.
Talk about how you want your relationship to be in the future

And if u want him to be the first to text, there's a simple solution:
Just stop texting him first