So... I need help.
This story starts, like they all do, with a girl and a boy.
I met N a year ago. He was handsome, charming, ambitious, funny and so smart. He blew me away from the very start. He was so many of the things I wanted to be: driven, passionate, compassionate, generous, succesful... we fell for eachother right away.
It's ironic how sometimes what attracts you to one another ends up being what frustrates you most about the other person.
I am 8 years younger than N, kind of dorky, the creative type working at her first job with a low salary in NYC, scattered and not a great communicator. I suffer with anxiety and have low self confidence. N is more of a no-nonsense, proactive and focused person. I f there's a problem, he'd solve it.
So after a short while, we started having out first issues, mainly due do bad communication -on my hand. And then the relationship started feeling unbalanced, because N makes way more money than I do and would take us to expensive places and I never felt like I could chip in much. now, focus on FELT; N never expected me to pay for extravagant dining out, but I didn't much else to help him out, excluding a few home cooked meals, traveling constantly to his place and giving him massages. I guess that, while I never asked or needed any of the things he offered and handed out so generously, I did take and get comfortable with taking, and in a way I guess I was taking advantage of the situation.
It's shameful for me to admit that, especially when I knew that he also had a lot of student debt, but there's no denying I did that. I can't take it back, no matter how much I would like for that to be possible.
N instead does have a temper and could be brutally honest to the point of rudeness, and I didn't know how to handle that either.
After an argument, we would come back together with every intention of improving and making it work. I believe that honestly, from both sides.
And then there's another issue: N wanted an organized life, where he could make actual plans together and help each other out. Not OCD organized, but definitely more than I was accustomed to. This was undoubtedly one of the things that would frustrate him the most, and I guess in the end my little adjustments would have never been enough. In a way, I guess that was very selfish.
I wish this had been it. But of course, it isn't.
A week ago, things escalated. I didn't make plans for my birthday / our first anniversary trip together, and he became extremely frustrated because of it. It's true that I had been, and still am, super busy for a few project deadlines in this month but truth be told I completely forgot. And he was hurt as a result. So while that week he still tried to be supportive of me being at work, I could tell that he was more distant and contacting me way less. I told him that he was right to be frustrated, but I didn't exactly solve the problem or give him options. I recommended that he go see his friend in RI, but when he did and kind of disappeared, I got really anxious and did something really stupid. Out of nowhere, I convinced myself he wasn't actually gone but at his place, cheating on me, and I went to check. I got into his place (he gave me a key) and checked his computer for emails of his ex. When I found them I accused him (via text, on his first day of holiday in MONTHS) of still seeing her when we started dating. Of course, it turned out not be true, but it doesn't change the fact that I violated his trust and his privacy. I don't even know why, I've never been the jealous type and ave always been respectful of the people I was with. Never doubted N before either... I don't know what came over me.
But I can't make excuses for myself. What I did was wrong and it's obvious that he would be upset.
Weirdly enough, he was more upset about the fact that I didn't care enough about the fact that it was one of his few days off from work, and my snooping kind of took the second seat, but still....
our relationship is now on the ropes. we still love eachother and N now says that he thinks we're just hurting one another and that we can't change how things are, that we are "on a broken car". In a way, a part of me does believe that he deserves better, and that he's totally right for being mad and not knowing if its worth giving it another try.
On the other hand, prhaps more selfishly, I love him and I can't let go.I always thought he was my best friend, the person I wanted to grow old with and I really think I can change. Not just for him, truly, but also because being a disorganized mess and a poor communicator and not things I want to be stuck with and it's about time I grow up and become an adult.
It is my birthday today and he still said he would see me for dinner, which is more than I deserve.
What do I do? What are your thought?
I can't lose him...
