The one that got away? Asperger's, tragedy, age difference, oh my.
I am seeking some advice as I have absolutely no dating/relationship experience and find myself practically in love with a guy. I will call him M. I feel silly about it, at 19 he is the only person I have felt anything like this for and so I am at a loss as to what to do. I met him almost 2 years ago when he joined our school. I am three years older than him so I felt rather guilty and cougar-ish for noticing him that way and tried to ignore it. (Although their were a few couples at the school with that age difference and no one cared) That plan failed miserably and after reading one of his essays published in our paper, then hearing a speech of his, I realized how very much alike we are and fell pretty hard. Friendly, smart, mature, serious yet funny, rather shy, and ice blue eyes you could swim in. I was intrigued by him more and more every day, and when he joined the high school, I sought to become his friend. Things were going very well; he taught me how to play chess (even though I sucked) and we talked about our mutual favorite books: Sherlock Holmes and the Eragon series. I have never felt comfortable around the opposite sex, ever. Yet with him I felt at ease and thoroughly enjoyed his company, looking forward to seeing him everyday. I have asperges’s syndrome, so I am not good at reading other’s emotions, but he would seek me out at school as well, coming to sit with me at a picnic table even though the 12 others were free. Often we would just read in companionably silence, play chess or talk about various things, nothing deep or personal. Touch makes me very uncomfortable, but his does not. It makes me warm and tingly like some kind of cheesy romance novel. Sometimes he would look at me in a way that made me think he at least liked the way I look. However again, I am not good with reading people.
Before I go on, you should know a bit of his history: M lost his parents when he was in 7th grade in a tragic car accident. Left orphaned, his uncle took him in and brought him to our school. He struggled with his grief, I could see it in him, but it seemed he was coping nicely. Well, one day at school I noticed he was absent. I immediately knew something was wrong as he has never taken a sick day. I asked his class mates, but they didn’t know where he was. I grew extremely worried and as the days wore on, finally got the word that M had been sent to a therapeutic program to deal with his depression and grief. I was heartbroken. It seemed I had missed how terrible he really felt and I wish I had been able to help him in some way. The school said he would probably come back soon, and I hoped to ask him to my senior prom when he returned. He didn’t.
The months wore on and I learned he had been sent to a boarding school out of state to continue his healing. I have been through a similar experience of depression and living away from home before, when I was first diagnosed with asperger’s and I decided to write him a heartfelt letter (upon the suggestion of our school counselor) describing my experience and how I overcame my own pain, both physical and emotional. I know it is nothing compared to losing one’s parents, but I thought maybe knowing someone cared would help. I know it helped me. His mentor, one of my teacher’s said she would give the letter to his uncle, but that was over a year ago now and I never found out if he received it. He may not have been allowed to read it in the program he was in or it may have been forgotten. He was only ever allowed to talk to his family, and I was barely even his friend. My little sister is in class with one of his cousins, and so I hear that he is doing alright every once in awhile, and I had her ask him if M got my letter, but the cousin didn’t know. I felt stalker-ish asking, but I missed him and wanted to know. I have since graduated, but am close to my friends and sisters still there, one who was in his class, and have heard he is not coming back. He would be 16, almost 17 now. I check on his instagram every now and then (yes, I know, I feel guilty about it) and saw that recently he had updated his status as “I have returned...” I don’t know where he is or what’s going on, but seeing that has brought my feelings back up to the surface, they never did go away and now I am wondering what I should do. I requested to follow him on insta, we are a small private school and everyone is friends with everyone, even the graduates. So we will see.
I am just wondering what you think of all of this, I have only ever told 2 people: my closest friends about my feelings for M and I did not want him to find out from anyone but me, but of course my sisters have probably guessed by now and word may have somehow gotten to him, which makes me worry he is embarrassed and doesn’t want anything to do with me. Although the amount of time I spent with him back at school likely made it obvious to everyone. I would never want to make him uncomfortable, but I can’t help this horrible feeling of a missed opportunity I have. He may very well be the only guy I will ever feel this connected with, knowing me, maybe even my soul mate and he slipped away. But I am now an adult and he is not, as one of the few problems, and I am not a rule breaker. Not that I would sleep with him of course, given the unlikely opportunity (I believe that is best saved for marriage. I am not religious, just a moral value of mine) but people who don’t know me well wouldn’t know that. I’m sorry this is so long, but it is a rather in-depth problem that I felt best be described in full. What should I do? Or what should I not do? Am I completely nuts?
Thank you
