Loving your best friend

I met her in high school. I was a lanky boy with tiny wrists- virtually zero experience with women. She was a beautiful goth girl with fire and attitude. When I first saw her my lip shivered uncontrollably. I knew I had to know her. Luckily, I was able to make her laugh- even more than her boyfriend, I think!

And that was enough. We had homeroom together every morning, and that was enough. We'd talk online for hours, and that was enough. She was there and I was just... Around... And that was enough. But as I got to know her more and more, I came to realize what I already knew: I loved this girl. Beyond simple attraction- I needed her.

"But how could such an amazing person ever think of me romantically?" I thought. Better to remain a friend than to drift away.

But everyday the hole in my heart grew larger. Every night I grew more lonely.
Then, one day, no longer content to simply haunt her I told her how I felt! But she couldn't see me as more than a friend... The worst was seeing how sad she looked...

Devastated, I lashed out! I blamed her for my broken heart; tried to cut her with the shattered pieces to break hers in turn! But it only made it worse for both of us...

It would be some time before I apologized. By then she had a new boyfriend and I settled back into my role. Things went back to normal, relatively.

Not wanting to burden her with my feelings I buried them deep- as deep as I could. We graduated and drifted farther apart as we went to different schools. We managed to keep in touch, but it was never the same.

Years past and I found out she was getting married. I had no idea what to feel. I was overwhelmingly sad and frustrated- but happy she found someone she truly loved. Then angry at myself that it couldn't have been me. I remember wearing what I thought was a good poker face in front of my friends.

...I did not attend the wedding.

I've tried dating other women but my thoughts always drift back to her. I know it isn't fair to them so it never works out.

It's been 14 years and I can't say I've thought about her any less or if my feelings have changed, but I know as my friend, she wants me to be happy- I just don't know how to do that without her...

This has been an overdramatic tale of the broken hearted

Stop jerking off man and you will move on sooner. NoFap.com can help you.

Losing the person you love is hard enough, but when they are your best friend as well...how do you move on? I know its hard because I am in a similar situation as yourself. I fell in love with my best friend and he broke up with me 2 years ago. I can't stop thinking about him and I'm not able to move on. I had to admit to myself that I'm still in love with him and I might not ever get over that. I'm at an age where everyone is expecting me to meet someone and get married but I just want to be left alone. I go through many conversations in my head I wish I could have with him. Maybe what you need is to talk to her. Just so you can get your closure and say your apologies or whatever else you need to say to her.

Maybe some of us will never be able to move on. I don't know... I wish it was easier...

Could've been me? It sounds like she never was attracted to you. So Stop living a false reality, that creates suffering. You can't change things you can't change.
Nothing good will ever happen with your potential lovers if you keep the attitude you're sharing. I can decipher so much about you just from the way you talk.

"- I needed her.
Better to remain a friend than to drift away.
she wants me to be happy- I just don't know how to do that without her...
I came to realize what I already knew: I loved this girl
how could such an amazing person ever think of me romantically?"
Devastated, I lashed out! I blamed her for my broken heart"

All of these are reasons why you will fail when you truly find someone new that you want to be with.

You are a wonderful writer! 14 years? Really? Sorry, but that is not natural or very healthy.