My boyfriend left me because he found out I dated a black guy in the past

I've been dating the man of my dreams for almost a year now. I am completely in love in him to the point that I want nothing more then to be his wife, have his children and spend my entire life with him. We grew up together
and were best friends growing up. My family moved to another state but we continued long distance friendship as often as we could. Finally, after five years, we reconciled and our friendship turned into relationship. That made me the happiest girl in the world.

He, in my eyes, is perfect. Spiritually and physically.

He is fearless, intelligent and has great sense of humour. He never tells jokes, he has natural wit and uses situation to make funny remarks. The thing that stands out the most, especially in today's world, is how unselfish he is and how much he is willing to sacrifice himself for other people. He once asked his boss to lower his salary so they could keep single father of four who was about to get fired. And nobody knew it because he didn't want to say anything. His coworkers accidentally found out what he did two years after.He also saved a girl who was being raped by two guys. He beat the living shit out of them before they were able to do it. The girl said to police officers that at least couple of men passed by even though she was screaming and begging for help. But not him. Knowing him, he was ready to die there and then to protect her. Another thing I adore about him is how he threats me in public or in front of his friends, how he openly shows how much he loves me and how protective he is of me. One time one of his best friends made not so funny comment about me and he made him apologize there and then. I could see in the eyes of his friend's girlfriend how much she envy me to have such a boyfriend. Once we witnessed break up of the couple in the restaurant because he cheated on her. On the way home he stopped the car, took my hand and looked me in the eyes. He told me that he would never do something like that to me. I smiled because I knew what kind of man he is and that what he said was true.

He is unbelievably handsome, he looks a lot like Oasis singer in Stop Crying Your Heart Out music video (great hair). He's 24 years old, 6 feet 2 and 200 pounds, athletic build with godlike shoulders (former D1 water polo player, tried out for Navy Seals - completed 18 weeks of training, had to drop out off final 6 weeks because off injury).

Six months ago we got ourselves our first apartment and started living together. Everything was working out perfectly. Until last week.

He went out with his buddies and it was starting to get late. I called him and there was no reply. He always replayed to wish me good night if he was staying late. I called him again past midnight and started to get worried. I stayed up all night scared that something happened to him. He finally got home in six in the morning. I wasn't mad at all just relieved and immediately went to hug him. He evade me and looked at me like a was some stranger. I asked him what was going on and this is how conversation went.

ME: what is going on, where have you been all night?
HIM: prison
ME: what? why? are you ok? what happened?
HIM: beat the living shit out of some guy.
ME: why? what did he do to you, did he attack you?
HIM: don't know maybe you can tell me.
ME: what do you mean I don't understand anything you are saying, why are you acting like this.
HIM: he said something.
ME: what did he say!?
HIM: that my girlfriend was ****ing some n-word in college.

I'll never forget the look in his eyes after he said it, he looked at me like I betrayed him. He expected me to deny it but I could see that he thought it was true. And it was true. I dated a black guy two whole years before we even started dating. He was a nice guy and we dated couple of months and that was it. So what. I couldn't understand what was bothering him because I did nothing wrong and yet he looked at me like I cheated on him. I told him I love only him, and want only him and dream only him and all those thing are completely true. But the way he continued to look at me, I couldn't stand it and started to cry. This was the first time he made me cry and I could see that it immediately soften that cold look he was giving me. He told me that he doesn't want me to cry because of him. I told him to hug me and everything would be ok.

He said that he can't do that and walked right past me.

I lost it and went after him. Asked him why does it bother him so much, does dating a black guy makes me somebody else and not girl he loves. He wasn't turning back. That made me say something stupid. Asked him what is he insecure about when he has huge penis (8 inches long and 6 inches thick, I personally measured it before we had sex for the second time. I've never had less then couple orgasms when we make love.) and the black guy had only average one. Telling your boyfriend about other men's penis is, literally, last thing he wants to hear.

He turned around and slowly approached me. And then told me he's disgusted with me. I was about to slap him. But then I looked in his eyes and noticed how hurt he was. I still can't understand it but I could see that it broke his heart. We looked each other for a moment. I didn't say anything and neither did he. He turned around and slammed the door behind him. I took my purse and went to my parents place. Cried on my mother's shoulder for hours. I stayed the night and went to our apartment the next morning.

First thing I saw was empty Jack Daniels bottle on the floor. Entire place stank of booze. He was up and sitting at the table, hangover, and smoke cigarettes. He never smoke. I told him I like what he done with the place but he wasn't amused. I asked him if we can talk and I was fully aware the venom that was about to come my way.

Talk about what, he said. Talk about that I had no respect for my ancestry and heritage, for the things that make me who I am and how I look. Talk about that I obviously have no problem with considering giving birth to a child that looks nothing like me.

I stopped him before he could continue with all things wrong with me and gathered all my courage and asked him if he wants to break up with me.

He paused and said that he wants me to go out for a cup of coffee and return after he cleans the place up. He told me that whatever happens, he wants me to stay in the apartment because he bought it for me and our family. The way he said "our family" broke my heart. I sounded like something that will never happen. He told me he doesn't want me to cry because of him, that he's an asshole and not worthy of my tears. He then repeated his request and asked me to give him an hour to clean the place up. I told him I hope that he'll be here when I got back.

He wasn't. Apartment was as good as new. He left a note saying that no matter if we end up together for the rest of our lives or not, like we both thought we would, that he will love me as long as he lives and will never have another women in his life.

More crying.

And week later here I am posting this badly written diary entry on this forum. I don't know where he is and he didn't text me back. I've spend entire week trying to find out why does it bother him so much that I've been with a black guy even though we weren't dating at the time.

This is what I find out surfing the internet. There are two reasons why white men don't date white women who dated black men.

1. They feel like penis size thing is real (which in my case proved completely false and by the way I didn't find single study or research that would support such claim)
2. They feel that women who do it are "tainted" and lost their worth (guess we have a winner)

The man I love obviously sees me as "tainted" or lesser version of the one he thought I was. I must admit it was a huge hit for me. I love him unconditionally. I try to be a good person. I'm a college graduate. I have a pretty face, I'm 5 feet 6 and 120 pounds with 36DD-24-36 (all natural by the way) frame. Yet, in his eyes, because I've been with a black guy, all that isn't good enough anymore.

I do not know what do to. I don't even know why I wrote all this. I don't know what answers I want from all of you or want anything at all.

All I know is, I want him back. I honestly say that I might commit suicide if we won't get back together.

Thanks for reading anyway.

Maybe your he felt like you are loose and after finding out you had black guy in the past he realized that your sweet walls was destroyed by big black dick. Or maybe he just dont like black people.

But honestly I think he assumed that he was your first and that you waited for him all these years. It hard to realize for some guys that their girl had previous partners. It fcking hurts.
Think this is a complex thing where one have to have feeling of self worth in order to be ok with girls past partners. By the looks of it your ex, he is inexperienced or havent experienced different kind of girls or didnt had success with them.

Problem is that you are short girl with big boobs and thats why you fall in love so hard. I wont be surprised if you are Scorpio.
You are still young and this is only beggining of your life. You will fall in love more times. Just now you have to google some breakup guide and start to move on. If you will do everything right you will heal faster and take less damage.


Pain is temporarly. Quiting lasts forever. Also suicide is a longterm solution for temporary problems. Besides if you read what happens to soul after suicide or watch that Robbin williams movie What Dreams May Come (1998) then you will realize suicide is worse than hell. Besides you might not die but cripple yourself and keep living half life.

On a more positive note it all is guy fault cause hes too sensitive and being overly sensitive is not key to happiness. His emotional instability destroyed relationship. With older age or mood stabilizers he could have stable much more happy life.

Also there are good news - if problem why you broke up will be solved then you could get back together and last. Guy had unrealistic expectations and soon he will realize that life is not a fairtytale and all flowers - everyone have past, even such amazing girls like you.. After few fails with girls, guy could finally fully realize how good you was and try to get you back.

Oh my dear friend. I am so sorry you are hurting. First and foremost, suicide is not the answer! KNOW that God loves you so much and wants only the best for you.
It is my prayer that you will please reach out to someone who can help; your well-being is the number one priority. Please find a good support system – coming here is a great start, but you need to surround yourself with those who are physically present. A qualified professional can help you sort out the hurts and put everything in perspective.
Please do know, that often times when people are hurting, whatever the cause, some have a tendency to step away. Perhaps your BF as well, just needed some time to think. Not to say I agree/disagree with no contact in this situation, but we do all handle our hurts differently. Eventually, once YOU are in a good place emotionally, perhaps you and he can talk with a counselor together –someone who can help you both reconcile each of your pasts ( We ALL have a past, right?), what your expectations and goals are.
Above all else – I will be praying for you. Please check back and let me know how you’re doing.

I read bits and pieces, your dream man is a child. He's upset because you dated a black guy previously? I'm sorry but what kind of guy is this. The racial slurs.
Get over it bud. It doesn't matter who women have been with in the past. Tainted?? He likely grew up in a smalld town culture, I have some friends that act a little bit like this, but not to thsee extremes. None the less, its still immature.

So what happens if in the future you have black neighbors or friends? Is he going to treat them with the same disrespect because of their race??

Leave. And don't look back.

The suicide thing is immature. Never say that, and I mean EVER. No matter how bad things are, they're never that bad. It's a permanent solution (a faulty one) to a temporary problem.

The him leaving and avoiding contact. That's normal, its what men do after conflict. We withdraw until we're ready to reconnect. Some women misunderstand this, it's not that we don't care, its that we need time alone to sort our inner problems out.

Your man sounds wonderful except for one thing...he's a good old fashion racist. Only time will tell whether he can get over it or not. If he is a true racist, I doubt he will and would you want to be with someone who views the world in that way?

If he has shut off communication with you, I would think that he considers it over. It is very painful when you think a person is one thing and they turn out to be another. You are not tainted and no one has the right to view you as so. Racism is a very strong hatred and very ugly. I feel for you, but one, he is voilent and two, it's best you found out now before he committed a hate crime.

Ok, first of all, you measured his penis?! then you googled it and it came out penis size does not matter and you went along with it? So, who do you go with? Google results or your personal preference? you had more to describe about his physique (and yours as well) which is quite obvious what is important to you, THEN the first thing you could come up with in an argument is penis size? oh boy! you can't make it any more obvious than that.

Googling about "They feel like penis size thing is real (which in my case proved completely false and by the way I didn't find single study or research that would support such claim)"
You are not "they" you have your own preference, which is completely true for you, and a lot of women (not all, some women don't care about size, and some women prefer smaller ones)

I'd give him the benefit of a doubt of being "racist" he probably said those things to steer away from talking about penises. So what if his is bigger? did he see the other guy's penis? why should he take your word for it ESPECIALLY when that was the first you have to say in an argument?

I think messing with his self esteem is more of a problem. That's why sex should be for married people only so women don't keep comparing penis sizes