Should I stay or go? Is there still hope?

Hi All,

I need some advice as I am no longer sure whether I should stay with my husband or separate for both our sakes. Every year, he has a phase when he doubts everything, questions our relationship, blames me for issues and gets very depressed. It gets so bad that he withdraws from me, sleeps in the guest room and treats me very cold-heartedly and meanly. Every time this is over, he is loving and happy again, although he knows he still has issues. I have spoken to him about depression (which he was diagnosed with in 2014) and he acknowledges that he is currently depressed but he does not believe that it is so bad that he needs to see a GP and maybe have medication and therapy together. In the past, he had therapy but it was not ongoing, so just a few sessions and he thought he was fine again.

I cannot live with these phases anymore, in particular also because he pulls all the happiness we build up over the rest of a year back to zero. I am heartbroken and I think this time, something in me has broken and I have no hope left that this situation will ever change. In addition, he has recently developed a possible desire to have kids – a topic we discussed very thoroughly before our marriage and he knows that I do not want children. Of course, his feelings can change, that is all natural and unfortunate but I fully accept if it is that way. Also, before we got married (and after) we often discussed moving overseas for a while (I am from Europe) because I have spent nearly 10 years in Australia and would like to be closer to home and European culture. I never said it has to be forever but I am a bit of a nomad and like trying new things. He, however, does not like big changes.

We love each other tremendously despite all ups and downs but I have come to a point where I really do not want to separate but believe it may be the only good way forward for both our sakes. I am fairly certain that when it comes to the time of me wanting to move overseas (we always envisaged 2019), he will not want to come. So I am wondering – should I take the incredible pain now rather than later given it is probably inevitable. I do not want to wake up at the age of 50 and realise that I wasted all these years just because I loved him so much. But the marriage was not good and I could not live my life the way I probably should.

The only problem I have is that I just cannot get myself to the final decision because I love him so much and he loves me. It seems like such a waste given we have everything but his terrible episodes have destroyed all my hope and faith in us and our lives are probably going into different directions despite all our plans.

Can you please help me with advice?
Gigi

So sorry you are in this place in your marriage. Contemplating separation is a tough place to be. Since it sounds like you guys do truly love each other, you should try to work it out. Perhaps talk to him about getting professional help regarding his depression (again). Perhaps you should attend the Dr's visit with him, so you can help to describe his symptoms. Medication may be needed. If there's still love, then there's hope. Pray for God's guidance and that He speaks to your husband in a way that only He can. Pray that He heals your husband's depression and your marriage. I will be praying for you guys.

You are married and love each other and more importantly, took vows for better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Mental illness is scary and has a terrible stigma. I am grateful that my husband has stood by me and supported me, knowing that it would have been much easier for him to just pack it up and leave.

It is very important trhat you support him and make sure he gets the help that he needs.

As somebody who has battled with depression himself, I would agree with the others for sure. It sounds like you love him, so if you do still love him, then maybe it is worth it to try to encourage him to get the help he needs. It sounds like he never REALLY has. Sure, maybe he's gone to therapy here and there, but you say he'd go for a session or two and then quite because he'd think he was better. That isn't how therapy works. It isn't a magical cure-all where they just wave their magic wand and you are all better in two visits. It takes time and commitment. Honestly, he truly owes it to himself just as much as he does you to try to get the help he needs. He shouldn't have to suffer through this all the time if there is hope that it can be helped. Nor should you have to be put through it. So, if there IS any hope that he could get better, and if that would make you want to stay with him, then it is perhaps at least worth it to try before you decide to give up.

HOWEVER.... all that said, just because you love somebody does NOT mean you should be doomed to have them in your life forever even if they are bad for you. If he refuses to get any help, you don't deserve to just be dragged down like this forever. So, love him as much as you may, you need to love YOURSELF enough to do what is best for you.... even if that may be difficult. So, I am definitely not saying you should stay with him and there is no other option. You would NOT be wrong if you just cannot take it anymore. You would NOT be wrong if you need to leave him for the sake of your own happiness and your own mental well-being.

Definitely not a decision to be taken lightly, but it is one where you should not ignore either possibility. Sure, you shouldn't enter into marriage unless you EXPECT it to be permanent.... but that also doesn't mean you are stuck if you do get married. Ideally the goal SHOULD be for it to be forever... but we are all human. We sometimes make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes include winding up with the wrong person. If that turns out to be the case for you, you shouldn't be doomed to suffer from your mistake for the rest of your life. You deserve happiness just as much as anybody else. Hopefully that can be with our husband, but if not then you and he both deserve to find somebody else with whom maybe you can find that happiness. Good luck to you!

Talk to him about what you want?