Dated a girl who wasn't ready, but tried to be, I can't let go.

This is a bit long, so bare with me. I want a female perspective on this.
So I met this girl in January of this year. It was a chance meeting and we talked all night. I was a little older than her, but we just clicked like I had never experience in my life before. And I have had my fair share of relationships over the years. But this was different. She was 22 and I was 32. Though most people don't believe me when I say that. I look like i'm in my mid to late 20s and kinda live that lifestyle. She gave me her number and everything was amazing, we had this chemistry..I can't even explain it. We could read each other just by looking at each other, physically, emotionally, we just worked. It was crazy. After a few weeks she randomly ended it. She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship, she was living with her ex, his girlfriend and her best friend and she needed to work on herself. And we would have never worked anyway. I was heartbroken. After a few weeks of back and fourth and her cutting me off completely, we started talking again. She told me she missed me, would have dreams about me. And she said she couldn't imagine me with anyone else, so we needed to date, but she was still scared and still needed to work on herself. So we dated.

We went right back to it like it had never ended. She was always so happy to see me. But we were always a bit nervous. She had a lot of self esteem issues. Didn't see value in herself. Her parents were never there for her. She left home at 18 to live with her ex who was emotionally abusive to her. But, She could sing opera, highly intelligent, nerdy like me. we could talk for hours on everything and nothing. 3 weeks in we made it official. She kept almost telling me she loved me, I wasn't ready to say it. But I started to fall for her too. 3 weeks later she went on a trip to new york and came back really depressed. Pushed me away. Told me she was suicidal. She hated herself. Was so far behind in life. Her parents helped her older and younger siblings get their license and she was 22 without it. She was moving soon, had to get her licence because she was about to get a promotion at work. I was there. She would call me up crying saying she just needed to be held. And I was there. I helped her learn how to drive. Helped her get her licence, helped her move out of that apartment with her ex and his girlfriend into a place with her best friend. She would tell me she wanted to open up, but was scared. Her biggest fear was opening up and being rejected. But instead of saying I love you, it was you know how I feel. She said I took care of her better than anyone else. That I meant the world to her. She loved having me in her life. After she moved, she asked for a key to my place. The keys were blue, her favorite color. We spent her birthday together, brought her breakfast in bed. And a bath bomb because I knew she was stressed.

She started working 50 hours a week with her promotion as a manager in a kitchen. She was stressed and started to pull away. I noticed instead of building us, we always worked out her problems. She said sex was getting stale, would get angry with me. But she would do this when stress hit her, so we would talk it out, and I would make the attempt to do something, but she always wanted things to be the same. She said she wasn't happy with herself again. So I would try to do things to cheer her up.

I failed a midterm, went to her for support. I fail the class I loose my student loans. She brushed it off, tried to tell me she loved me again, ignored my problem and just wanted to have fun. But I needed her for the first time. End of the night we went to bed, I told her i wasn't in the mood and she yelled at me. I said I have been there for you through everything, why wont you be here for me. She said what the hell do you want me to do, I said hold me. She did. I talked and felt better.

She pulled away after that. She was working 50 hours a week. Kept saying she was a terrible girlfriend. I kept trying to find time for us and she kept saying she was so stressed. She missed me, but wanted to be alone. Or she would text me saying she wanted cuddles, but when I offered to come out she would say no and go to sleep. I asked her if friday night could be our night. I would make her dinner after work. She said yes. That day I texted her and said, hey sweetheart, let me know an hr before you get out of work. Ill have dinner ready. I know you have been stressed, would you like some wine? She told me she cried when she saw that. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for her. She was sorry she was taking me for granted, but loved having me in her life. I said I understood, she was going through a lot. We had a great night together. Things went back to normal for a few days. She brought me soup to work, I brought her food to hers. We talked like normal, first time since the night I went to her after my test. Then she got stressed again. They were making her work 9am to 7pm then 9am to 11pm two days in a row. I said i missed her. Id come see her, she said lets get dinner. We did and it was weird. She said she wasn't happy with herself. Needed time for her. Said her roommate was who she went to. I told her I understood if she needed her time. I needed me time too, but I wanted to do more with her. Like we used to before being so busy. We made some plans. Kissed goodbye. Joked around a bit. She broke up with me the next day..

She told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me. I was so sweet it was easy for her to take advantage of me. She had been thinking of ending it for months. the whole time she was telling me how much I meant to her. She needed me because she was depressed, but no longer wanted a relationship. I was clingy. I never gave her time to work on her. I got mad, told her to leave, she used me? She cried, said she had good times with me too. We cuddled, talked out all our problems. But she said she wanted to work on her. I wasn't worth it. She kept kissing me. Telling me she would miss me. Told me she would miss the way I kissed, my scent, having fun with me. But she needed to end it. We said goodbye. I was a mess. I had never clicked with anyone like I did with her. I realized I had put in all the effort. She was too scared to open up, and left me instead. I always told her if she needed time for her to let me know. There were times she did, and I would say, enjoy your day, ttyl. The second half we only saw each other twice a week, she had time to herself, she always told me she slept instead.
She was also clingy with me. It didn't make any sense. Because I did give her time, whenever she needed. It was all things she could have talked to me about, but instead of talking to me, she would tell me how much I meant to her. My head was a mess. She blamed me for things I respected, but never did them herself. I texted her a long messaged explaining that. She didn't respond, so I let her be.

Week later I found some of her stuff, dropped it off to her roommate. Her roommate told me she does this, thinks she in love then drops people. Always feels bad after. said my ex is unintentionally two faced. Said my ex never loved me. And was already sleeping with someone else, but it is a guy she doesn't even like as a person so not to be upset. She said my ex used me. She said my ex always has to play the victim and only ever cared about herself. I went from upset to being devastated.. I didn't bring up the guy, but I texted her saying people were telling me different things, and I didn't want to play telephone. I wanted to know the truth. She said a cold message back, we just never would have worked. And blocked me.

A month went by, saw her at the club we met at. Briefly chatted. I didn't know how to act. After the club she came into the pizza place I was in. We were both drunk. Everything came flooding back, how she treated me, lied to me, used me..I confronted her. Told her I knew about the guy, her roommate told me. Said after everything I did she slept with him less than a week later. Said she was toxic to me from the beginning. I saw her for who she really was, told her she was great at playing the victim, and to stay away from me, where I go, and stay out of my life..not my proudest moment. But she manipulated me. used me. She did it to me twice, It felt good to get it out. She texted me, told me she lives for her and can do whatever she wants. This was in response to me telling her to stay away from me and out of my life. In the morning I apologized for my actions. Said I was out of line. Told her i'd leave her alone. I have. She said I better. I didn't respond.

Saw her a week later, ignored she was there. Didn't talk to her, didn't look at her. I ended up talking to a female friend of mine. We started kissing, apparently my ex was behind us and she stormed out. But, part of me didn't care. I wasn't trying to make her jealous, I was just trying to have fun. I had fun for the first time in a month. The new girl and I went to get pizza after the club, when we left, my ex was there and saw us leave together. The new girl and I chatted outside for a bit, before leaving I saw my ex sitting with friends, they were consoling her. She looked really upset, I knew she was talking about me. But I left. She ended it. The new girl stayed at my place, we had fun, in the morning, all I could think about was my ex. I told the new girl what had happened. She knew my ex was there, we had talked about some of our problems two weeks before. The new girl is going through her own stuff and not looking for anything serious, neither am I. I'm scared to open up again. I had never felt a connection like I did with my ex, even if it went sour half way through, and while I should just realize she was horrible to me, and used me, I still miss her. If she didn't care, why was she so upset when I left. Why can't I let go? The new girl said she wanted to help me, because she said I didn't deserve to be treated like this. I just don't know what to think.