Does my girlfriend still love me?
Hello guys,
This is my first post, and I'm looking for advise. I'll try to keep things as short as possible, here is the context:
She is 24, I'm 30. We met when she was 20 and I was 26. We have been into a relationship for about 3 years.
I'm a software engineer who travels often, she is an accountant, when we met she was still in the university.
At the beginning we texted each other all days and we met for coffee, lunch, dinner, just hugging, etc. It was a nice-beautiful experience that lasted about a year, she was really caring, talkative, etc. I offered her to move together, she asked me to wait until she finished her bachelor, I agreed.
One day I discovered she had been texting a guy (for about 4 months) and this guy was interested in her, they both were really close, she refused she had a BF. I confronted her and we broke.
6 months after that I met other girl who wanted a serious relationship. I had to call my ex-gf because I had so many question, mostly: "why did you do that?, I loved you".
I talked with my ex-gf, she said the problem was I traveled so often and one day we had an argument, this guy was just there. Available for her.
Anyway, she said she realized she wasn't interested in this guy, but in me. All this time she missed me and she confirmed she loved me. We started hanging out as friends, we agreed to met more people (I did, she didn't), later... we became BF-GF one more time. (This period lasted about 9months).
Time passed, she started her master degree and we had no time for us.
One day she took my phone and got jealous about a female friend I was close with.
We decided to take some time off.
A month later she called me to talk. She said she wanted a serious relationship, moving together in the future... I accepted.
Next day I started looking for an apartment. With the time I got one, the deal was: come and go as you want, you can be here as much as you want. My plan was to "test" if we could be together.
Anyway, time passed and we had more and more arguments.
2 months after that I made a trip with friends that lasted 1 month. In the middle of my trip she discovered she got HPV (thru me), she got cold and when I returned she disclosed this to me.
I was thinking in breaking her when I came back, but after the HPV thing I decided to stay with her and help her with the treatment. We were together for about 5 months: we had arguments frequently, she always punished me about bringing HPV to her life, had NO sex, etc. Obviously we had good days too, but there was a lot of blame over my shoulders. As I said, 5 months later we talked and we broke - I decided not to continue, so it was more my decision than hers.
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Update
I have been the unique person she have had sex with.
She runs the Papanicolaou test periodically on her, as any other girl. The results were fine, then we broke up and I dated other girl.
She always wanted sex without protection, I insisted about using condoms (knowing I was with someone else when we broke up). I tested myself against AIDS and some other stuff, I was clean, then we had unprotected sex.
When she got her Papanicolaou results there was something wrong, she did an additional test and found she got HPV (thru me).
She pushed all the blame on me. I said: I accept my responsibility, but not all of it should be on me. You were the one who insisted in having unprotected sex.
I believe this fact (getting HPV) has impacted in her personality and behavior with me. There is some resentment still there and she hasn't been able to forgive me.
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Time passed. 6 months later I called her. I missed her (mostly because I had an accident and I missed her affection).
We talked and she behaved totally different. She offered to start an "open relationship" and we could meet more people, I was interested in a serious relationship. Anyway, I accepted, but saying that we could move from there. It was a mess. I put a lot of effort, she didn't. We broke.
A month later we bumped into each other, we talked and that night, she was with me. We talked and decided to give it a try, giving all of us.
This time it looked like it worked, then... I had to travel (for a week ) because of my work, she got angry and said she wanted to take that week to think.
I came back... ready to break. We met, she said: "I realized I love you". I was like, whaaat? and said "thank you". Days later we met and talked, we both explained what we don't like about each other (nothing new, same things), I said, the problems with you are:
1. You are too sensitive.
e.g. Imagine you had a bad day and will go pick up her, the picking point is in the middle of downtown, with lots of traffic... then, you see her and say "jump in, be fast!", you are not being super friendly, but not rude. Well, she got sad and I hurt her feelings. The way I address her really really matters.
2. When you get angry you don't want to discuss it, not at that moment, not later.
I said, it will be really cool to discuss the problems and find a solution. .
3. She doesn't want to change... at all.
Several times we have faced situations were she wants A, I want C.
I'm really open to talk and say: ok, let's do A this time, and C next time. Or, ok... I don't want A, you don't want C, what about taking B, which is in the middle?.
She is not open to have this kind of talk.
4. The worst: each time she gets really really angry, she wants to break.
I have to wait until she calms down and then look for a solution. She never proposes a solution.
One day, she says she loves me, next day (we fight) and then she wants to break.
She agreed to put all of her to make the relationship work. To look for solutions and have proposals.
We agreed to try 1 month (her vacations).
We did... we had 1 "big" argument per week. Honestly, it was not the big thing. But she got angry and then exploded...then wanted to break.
Somehow I managed to find a solution and stay together.
We made a trip, she was not experimented traveling and made several mistakes. The biggest one: making me drive for about an hour in the opposite direction.
I was looking for a "hey, I'm sorry", but she didn't apologize all day long. We got angry...and then, she wanted to break. We had dinner and then, we talked, we stayed together.
We came back to our home city. And next week we attended a party (she invited me, but she required me to come late, that way she would have time to spend with her friends, she also said I could invite other friend).
I came late and invited a friend, as she said. When I saw her, I tried to kiss her, she refused.
Then, we danced, she refused to do X and Y. It wasn't funny.
I came to the table and talked with my friend.
The party was boring (for me and my friend), so we said... hey, we have been here, at your party for 2hrs, it's dying, we want to go to X place. She hesitated but came with us, 10 mins after we arrived to the place... she said she was tired, an hour later she wanted to go bed. It was still really early. My friend and I wanted to stay.
The idea was: going to her party, then meeting to go somewhere else, then go sleep at my place. But she used all her energy at her party. Now, she wanted to go sleep... either with me or with one of her female friends (that were at her party). We talked and we left. On the way to my flat we had an argument.
Next day she asked me for a time to think. A week later, she said she "loved me, but needed time and space for her and her activities"
We have met twice since then. We slept together and had sex. She still insists she loves me but she needs time.
Also, she says that it's great we don't fight. I agree with that.
Can you love someone and decide to stay away from her/him?
Can you love someone, but need time and space?
Do you think she loves me?
Is there future here? or am I wasting my time?
How should I behave? like: trying to find a solution or going away (not caring).
How should I address this situation?, I think we have future together, but really really need to find solutions and her personality doesn't allow it. She gets too emotional and doesn't want to talk about what she feels, she keeps that until she explodes.
Thank you
