Another breakup, this time with fiancee
31-year-old male here. My now ex-fiancée, Stephanie, is 25-years-old. We worked together and have known each other for about 3 years. We dated for about a year and half and then I asked her to marry me in November 2016 and she said YES! Unfortunately, our relationship started to go downhill in January. Here's the story:
January -- she meets a new group of friends. They like to go out and drink a lot. She starts going out with these girls a lot more often than usual. Her personality starts to change and she all of a sudden she starts questioning things in our relationship and me.
April -- we go to our friends' wedding a few states away. Stay there the entire weekend. She's in the wedding. After rehearsal dinner she starts a huge fight about how "I haven't done this" and how "I need to do this and that." The fight gets pretty loud in the hotel room. None of it makes any sense and none of it is even true. Almost like she's making things up to start a fight. We make up the next morning.
May -- the fighting continues in May and eventually, I get tired of it, so I ask her for a break so we can think about things. She breaks down and cries a lot, but agrees to it. A few days later, we talk, but I feel like she's not getting the point. Again, the focus is always on me, not her. We continue the break, but then a week later, she breaks up with me saying she can't do the break, but wants to do counseling. She says she wants to hold onto the ring through counseling. However, over the next couple of weeks, she ignores me and my attempts to go to counseling. So I ask for the ring back.
June -- We don't talk for two weeks and then I reach out to her saying I don't want to regret that we didn't try counseling. She tells me she misses me so we decided to do counseling. We do three sessions through June. Even though we are doing counseling, she doesn't want to spend much time together, in fact, she cancelled plans on me twice and then on our anniversary, she makes plans with her girlfriends. Also, through counseling, she didn't even try. There was no effort. I feel like she's not invested and that again, the focus is on me, not on her. So I end it again. She begs me to stay with her, but I say no because she's not even trying.
July -- We barely talk through the month of July, until sometime at the end of the month. We were both alone at work on a Saturday and started talking about things. That talking turned into kissing and telling each other how we love one another and want to try again. I tell her that I have a job opportunity a few states away and may be moving. However, the next day, she never replies to any of my texts. When I talk to her on that Monday, she says she changed her mind about getting back together, but wants to go to dinner with me before I move... for "closure." I tell her I don't think that's a good idea.
August -- I talked with her a couple of times. The first one was a good, emotional talk, but then something happened. I found out from a co-worker that she's dating anther man and has been dating him since the end of May. I confronted her about it and she admitted it to me. The conversation turned into an argument and she said dozens of hurtful things to be on the phone. She basically stated that because I asked for a break back in May, that was the worst rejection for her and it's been difficult for her to get over it.
September -- I got the job. The ex found out about the move, which is 900 miles away. She called, texted and begged for me to meet with her to talk. We did and the conversation went well. During my last few weeks there, she showed up at my house a few times randomly. I felt like she was really trying to make things work. When I moved, she insisted she wanted to try to make things work. And stupidly, I believed her. You see, she just wanted me there for comfort. Because guess what? The other guy was still in the picture. When I found out she was still talking to him, we argued and I ended it. I went no contact for three weeks. Then, I had to return home to move the rest of my stuff. She found out I was back in town through co workers and called, texted me dozens of times. I told her to stop. Then... I kid you not, she called my Mom!!! My Mom gave it to her good and told her to leave me alone and to let me live my life. My Mother, who LOVED this girl, told her how disappointed she was in her. Clearly wasn't the response she was expecting. I was NC for three weeks and then an email from her!
"Where do I even begin… I’m honestly so thrilled for your new job. Everything you’ve grown used to for the last 5 years is about to change, in a way consider it a rebirth of who you are as a person – who you can be and who you want to be.
That’s both exciting and scary.
The last few months have not been easy. They’ve been the most trying moments of my existence. I’ve learned a lot about myself, as I know you have, and our breakup hasn’t gotten any easier, it’s just gotten more complicated.
I think we’ve both recognized our mistakes, you’re just more outspoken about yours than I have been.
I often think back on how I could have changed the outcome… or if I even could have. I resented many things about our relationship, but I fought for it because I love you.
I learned that I can’t figure out what it is I want. I know what I don’t want, but I can’t tell you WHAT IT IS I WANT. I’m so twisted and it’s a personality trait I’ve learned to hate about myself.
I WANTED you to know that while we were broken up, I still wanted us. I still wanted you and because I still had our engagement ring, I WANTED to keep trying. But I didn’t know if it was going to work, because I felt that you shouldn’t have to be apart to know if the person you want to marry is right for you.
So the fear of the unknown made me unsure of WHAT I WANTED… and eventually, when I didn’t have the ring anymore, I figured out what I DIDN’T WANT. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, I didn’t want to cry myself to sleep and I didn’t want to be depressed… so I gave up.
Every day I cried a little less, until I didn’t cry anymore. But the darkness has come back to haunt me all over again.
When I went through waves of pain and depression, I did something that would cheer me up. Anything to distract me from the pain. I made a lot of impulsive decisions too, but it made me happy in that moment, and it was an easy fix to avoid the darkness.
Seeing you every day at work helped ease my pain. Now you're desk at work is cleared out and empty, and the darkness came back. The tears at night came back. The heartbreak and missing you hit me again.
I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not this heartbreak.
All I can say is I'm sorry for all the pain that I've caused you, but I hope the highs were worth the lows. Because they were to me.
All my love,
Stephanie."
