Cant let the pain go. Please help. I have tried everything. I feel like ending it
Hi guys,
Basically, I am trying to move on from a past relationship which has caused me a lot of pain. I have made a real effort to let go of this pain but just cant seem to shake it. I live with it everyday and just want to be free of it now. PLEASE HELP ME. I know its a long read but I'm really stuck and don't know where else to turn.
Me and my ex met at university. We met each other in student halls and stayed together throughout university. We had a great time together, she was my best friend as well as my girlfriend.
In my final year of university, I started to want to be single again. She was madly in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We talked about getting a flat together in Manchester after uni but I had reservations. I adored her but didn't like the idea of spending my life with one person. I ended up breaking up with her and was completely honest with the reasons why I chose to so. We never really fully broke up though, although we spent less time together, e continued to hang out and sleep together. We just loved each other's company.
After uni finished she made plans to move in with some of her old school mates in Manchester. I didn't really think anything of it at the time and wished her well. However, when it actually was time for her to leave I was devastated. I began to think that I had just thrown away the potential love of my life. I had taken her love for granted. I had never really allowed myself to love her fully, I think I was scared of the prospect of spending my life with one person. It didn't match with what I had planned for my life.
I went a bit crazy and started to regret everything. I told her how I felt and she seemed happy to give it another go. The pain suddenly went away and I was happy again. However, a familiar feeling of being trapped in a relationship immediately sprung up again.
Later on that week she moved down Manchester. She stayed at mine the night before she left and was massively stressed about moving. After a night of consoling her I was actually pretty relieved that she was going and we could have a bit of a break, although I did look forward to seeing her soon as I was planing on moving to Manchester too. However, that was to be the last time I would see her in the same light.
The next week she went to a music festival. I had already began to miss her quite a bit at this point. Before she went to the festival we had planned to meet up after the festival as I was passing through Manchester.
So the day finally came and I was really excited to meet her. I had a couple of interviews in the morning and was going to meet her in the afternoon. After my interviews I texted her asking how the festival was and when she wanted to meet. She said the festival was amazing etc but that she wasn't in a state to meet and would be "distant for a while".
Although alarm bells should have been ringing I dismissed any paranoid thoughts and reluctantly said I understood. I then made my way down to portsmouth to meet my family for a family holiday. As we talked via facebook I began to get a funny feeling. Something was up with her. She wasn't talking to me like she usually would. Nevertheless, I dismissed these thoughts and went on to meet my family.
She hadn't replied to a couple of messages of mine for a day or so but then out of nowhere she asked how the holiday was going. I was so excited to chat to her. But then she text me say "right here goes"
She then sent me a long text explaining how she had slept with someone at the festival and that she no longer wanted to be with me. My heart instantly dropped and I put down my phone. I didn't even read the rest of the text for a good 10 minutes. I went outside for a cig. I didn't really react the way I had expected. I just felt numb.
After a cig I read the rest of the text. She said that being in a relationship made her slightly depressed and that she no longer wanted to be together. I didnt reply. I just went about my day as usual and ignored what had happened. The pain started to creep in that evening at dinner with my family. I kept on a brave face and acted as normal. However, when going to bed that night I just went mad.
I texted her paragraphs and paragraphs. Venting my feelings of loss, frustration, betrayal, love. I hated her but still wanted to be with her. I felt sick. I didnt sleep for 3 days. I smoked a cig every 15 minutes for 3 days, drinking alcohol to try and numb the pain.
After a few days of mourning I decided that I was going to try and win her back. I felt like I needed to become better and seem happy for her to want me again, so thats what I tried to do.
Me and my mates had planned to go to a festival together that month. I initially backed out of it because my ex was also going. I then changed my mind and decided that if I can have a good time partying with her like we used to then she might want me back. This was one of the worst decisions of my life.
I went to the festival and my ex invited me to camp in a tent with her. I know it was stupid but I accepted. I just wanted to be with her. When at the festival, I could tell she didnt want to be with me. I tried to act cool and not follow her around but I couldnt help it. The first night of the festival I got back to our tent and she was there just chilling, she had had a bit of a mad one and just wanted to sleep it off. I decided to stay with her. I dont know why, I was still wide awake and ready to party but I was just drawn to her.
Anyway, the second day she asked me if I wanted to do acid. Although I knew in my heart that this was a bad idea I took it anyway. We had done acid together quite a few times and had great times on it. I thought that if we did it together again she might love me again.
Being on acid together was horrible. I was so into her and I felt like she was just repulsed by me. Another guy did acid with us and I could tell she really liked him. She had always worn her heart on her sleeve and I could clearly see she liked this guy. I felt horrible. It sent me on a bad trip and I ended up walking around the festival by myself in the dark tripping my nuts off. I didnt sleep for 3 days after that and by the end of the festival I was completely run down.
We got the train back together and didnt talk at all. When we go back to uni, I said bye, not knowing if and when I would see her again. I could barely hold the tears in my eyes. I told her that it was probably best we didnt speak for a while and left. I was disgusted by myself. The memory of me trying to to be with her whilst she wanted to be with that guy made me sick. I honestly felt pretty traumatized by it.
The next day my parents picked me up from my uni house (as it was the end of my tenancy) and I left for home. All of my friends were either doing masters or had already moved to a different city for work.
Home was very lonely. I moped around for weeks. No job prospects, no friends, no girlfriend. I was terrorized by the thoughts of the festival. I could barely go 10 minutes without reliving the painful memories that came with it. I then found out that my ex had actually slept with that guy. It made me feel so bad.
I couldnt understand how she could be so cruel. We had been best friends for 3 years and she didnt even care enough about me to keep her pants on for 4 days at a festival. Did I mean absolutely nothing to her now? Was i just the the best she could do at uni and now that she found something else that she liked, I was nothing? I just couldnt understand it. I still cant get my head around it.
It's been 2 months since the festival now. There isnt an hour where I dont think about it.
Nevertheless, after moping around for a bit i picked myself up. I quit social media (i couldnt bare the pain of seeing photos from the festival or any photos of my ex for that matter. It pains me to think of her with other guys), I finally got a job in Manchester (something I had been planning for while at uni) and I started meditating (in an attempt to better control those negative thoughts.
I meditate everyday and feel a lot better for it. I don't think about the pain as much as I used to. However it still plagues me. I just cant seem to shake it. I want to forgive my ex, I want to be friends with her. I have come to the realisation that I don't actually want to be with her now and perhaps I never did. Perhaps I just enjoyed the comfort that came with being in a relationship.
I still miss her friendship though. Since moving to manchester I have struggled to make good friends (I have only been here two weeks so hopefully that will change). I am pretty lonely. Most of the time I dont actually mind, I quite enjoy just doing my own thing.
However, I really do miss my ex in terms of a friend and I cant seem to get past these feelings of hate and pain in regards to what she did to me. I have tried so hard to let it go but the pain just follows me around. Everyday. Every night. I often have bad dreams about her sleeping with other guys. I am just sick of it and want to be free.
I have read that opening up to the pain is a way to get passed it. I have tried this through meditation but it has been unsuccsful. Should I look through the facebook photos of the festival to see her with that guy and really open up those wounds? or will this just set me back to square one?
Should I contact her and tell her how I feel. I often have conversations with her in my head, telling her how I think its disgusting what she did and asking her how she of all people could do that to me.
We actually met for a catch up the other day in manchester. It was nice to see her and it clarified a lot of feelings for me. I dont want to be in a relationship with her anymore. She isnt the one for me. I do miss hanging out with her though, shes good fun. She didnt apologise to meet about anything she did. We didnt even bring it up. I was itching to say something but didnt. I dont even think she knows that I know she slept with someone at the festival we were at together.
Please help guys, I dont know how to shake this pain. I am ready to move on from it. I am sick of thinking about the pain everyday.
Thank you so much if you actually read this far. I havent opened up to anyone about the situation and it was even cathartic just writing this down in such detail. (please dont tell me to write my feelings down, I have tried this several times and found it to be just a quick fix).
Thank you again and I would love it if anyone had some advice
xxx
