What do I do...

This is my first post and I am just looking for people to listen, offer advise without judging me.

I am married for 10+ Years. My wife and I have been having issues for a long time now. I actually read an discussion her and I had in 2013 about potentially separating and divorce. Back then we had only 1 kid.

To provide recap of everything (it may be helpful)...

WAY back in 1998, I fell in love (head over heals) with a my college girlfriend. We were everything to each other for 2+ years. We were THAT couple everybody thought would be together forever. We broke up in 2000. For 17.5 years we never lost contact with each other. We both made some attempts to get back together, just never at the same time. When I met my wife, her and I dated - but I always secretly loved my ex. Every few months her or I would send some sort of communication (email, AIM, FB...). Whenever a big event happened, her face always popped into my head. When I got engaged, I though about her! I nearly called off my wedding because of her.

Fast forward, she got married and since got divorced. Failed relationships after divorce...

In September here and I spoke and She said to me, "I just want somebody to love me the way you did." I told her, "I don't think that is possible. I don't think you understand how much I loved you." We have always been very open with each other, especially regarding our past, our breakup and our feelings toward each other.

Back to my marriage. Its nothing but fighting, bickering and disconnect. I asked my wife to seek counseling with me. She said no. I offered different things to fix it, she declined most of them. She opts to blame me for everything and take very little of the blame herself. Although I am well aware of my imperfections, I know I am not at fault. Our love life is pretty bad. We slept together 3 or 4 times in all of 2017. Maybe 6 times (I actually think 5) times in the pat 2 years. Since getting married 10 years ago, our sex life declined rapidly. We simply do not make love and when we do, its mechanical and robotic. I had enough of it all and asked for a separation. Due to our children and financial restraints, I wrote up a plan for us to stay together while providing space for us. My hopes was to stay away from each other, decrease the fights and maybe miss each other. She basically called the idea dumb and she will not take part.

In October, I was speaking with my ex. I was telling her my marital problems and she was offering advise on how to fix it. However, we also were flirting back and forth (pretty heavily). Through it all, she wanted me to continue to work on my marriage. Again, I was open with her and telling her all the details. One night, we agreed to meet for a drink and a casual dinner. Although my wife would have a fit, I was just meeting an old friend and confidant. Her and I have not seen each other in 16 years, so I was preparing for an awkward night. When she walked in the bar and grill, a rush of feelings flowed through me. I really cannot describe in words how I felt, but it was like I saw my forever again. We had a couple of drinks and a light meal and just talked and talked and talked. I parked further away than her and she offered to drop me off at my car. We sat in her car and continued to chat. I looked at her and I touched her hand. I didn't know what to do with what I was feeling. My marriage is terrible and I am looking at the person I envisioned spending my life with. I kissed her. She looked sad that I did, but we kissed more and more. Despite us wanting it to go a lot further, we stopped it.

She told me she wanted us to back off as I figure out my marriage situation. I was honest with her. I cannot leave her fully yet, but as far as married, I don't consider myself that. her and I do not make love, we don't share a friendship... But I am staying there until the New Year at least because I have 2 young kids. She knew all of this and I am not lying to her. We agreed to back off... well she did. Another woman gave me her number (I never called it). I told my her this and she was pretty upset. I apologized and said, I don't know what you want me to do. I am not lying about anything with you and to be honest, I don't care if my wife finds out. I am done with the marriage, my wife knows it (she does) and I just need to finalize things.

Fast forward, we met again and we did not hold back. Her and I slept together and it was pretty great. We were with each other again and then we went out on a real date and... well... what happened after was mind blowing amazing. Two people totally connected. The sex was so incredible and we just knew each other... like we did 20 20 years ago. There's no real faking the emotion her and I felt. She O'd twice and that has never been easy. I know her and she needs to be very comfortable.

She told me afterward, things changed for her and I we need to be careful because she loved me. I didn't hide the fact that I fell back in love with her. But a few days later, she built up walls. We have gone on incredible dates and we have this incredible connection. Last week, we didn't sleep together (she couldn't), but we kissed and stuff. I told her, nobody can kiss that good. She jokingly replied, I am a good kisser. I responded, No. You cannot fake that kiss. She realized what I was saying. I felt love in the kiss and that can't be faked. In bed she wants me forever. She loves me and I don't deny that.

Unfortunately, when we are not in bed, she throws her walls back up. However, she's been more loving since then.

The New Year is coming and after a Christmas filled with fighting and more of the same with my wife, I want to dissolve my marriage. I do not know if my ex and I will ever be able to make it work fully though. 17+ years apart is a long time and a lot happened. She thinks I am leaving my wife for her and doesn't want that. I tell her, my marriage is ending with her or without her. She is simply a light at the end of a dark tunnel. I think she scared that if I leave my wife and her and I don't work out, she will be some horrible person who broke up a marriage. This is not the case at all! My marriage has been dead for YEARS!

I don't know if I believe in soulmates - but if I did, she would be it. When I envision the end of my life, I see her. Its strange, but her and I have this synchronicity that is unreal! I never hear the song perfect before, but in the Afterglow, it came on. Her and I both looked at each other as we listened to the words and were stunned as it was singing to us. I never heard it since, until the next time we were in bed together and we made love with it in the background. Another time, it came on as I was getting ready to leave and I asked her to dance to it. I knew she was about to cry, she makes jokes to stop it. We have a connection. A magnetic force that pulls us together. Its the only reason I can think of as to why we never lost touch with each other through all these years. Why we can make love and be so connected and so in synch with each other.

Well... that was long. if you read this far, thank you. I am very confused and going through a lot. I am so worried about the walls she puts up and worried that she will leave me again.

So
What do you want?

What do I want? I want to be happy again. Truly happy again. When I am with my ex, I am so connected (mind, body and soul) that I know I belong there. When I am not with her, I am miserable because (A) I want to be and (B) I do not trust her. She told me out right she cannot be monogamous, but she will not sleep with anybody else (not sure what that means). I refuse to leave condemns at her house - I told her outright, I am not going to let another guy f**k with my condemns and she says she is not with anybody else. I told her I am not sleeping with my wife and I am not dating anybody else.

In the end, I want to rush things with my ex --- and make her my current. I just don't know. I only tried tog et back together with an ex twice before and both times failed miserably. We broke up for a reason. I am scared this will happen between her and I. She says, when we talk about it, we broke up because of her maturity at the time.

Sorry my English isn’t the best

I am not sure I understand what you mean.
What I think I’m reading is that you don’t know wether or not you want to stay with your wife
With your family
And wether you should get back together with your ex

Is that correct?

I think it's pretty what you want, but the question is can you get it. You need to complete the divorce process with your wife if you think it is not salvageable. This should have nothing to do with your ex or any new girl that you may meet. The monogamous issue with your ex is an issue. If it's something you can't live with, then I would steer away from her.

Getting back together with old flings can be magical especially if she was your 1st love. But as with all things, nothing is perfect. After your divorce, you can see what this relationship with your ex goes.