14 Years of Burden...

I'm a 38-year-old guy. Married with 2 step daughters, 15 and 26 years of age. No kid of my own. My wife is 42. We've been married 3 years. I've lived with my wife for 8 years before we got married. My relationship with my wife has been in turmoil ever since before we got married. Now I can feel the marriage won't last. Why? Cause I've been living in denial. I thought I could loved my wife whole heartedly but the truth is my heart belongs to an old flame which I had a short fling with 14 years ago before I met my wife. I tried to move on but it is as if I've given half of my heart to that old flame and there's so little left for my wife to salvage. This is my 14 years of burden...

Part 1:

I met my old flame when I was 24 and she's 21 at that time. Let's call her Lea. It was a short fling but left a deep scar in my heart. She's not my first love if anyone is wondering. I've been with a few other women before her, some just a fling and 1 other which I had a serious 3 year relationship with. So you see, no other women including my wife had ever made me feel the same way as I feel with Lea.

At 24 I was a junkie. I'd abuse anything I could get my hands on from marijuana, heroin, meth, coke, pills to alcohol. But my main addiction was to heroin and alcohol. That time was the worst period of my addiction when I was always high all the time! Started my daily morning routine with some heroin, some coke, a glass of whiskey and an ecstasy pill then off to work. Through out the day I would continue to take a little bit of any to maintain my high. By evening time, I would already be as high as a kite. After work, it would be like a "buffet" of drugs and alcohol at the clubs or friends' pads. That's the person I was at that time. Now I'm 11 year sober. Thanks to God!

The first time I met Lea was when I started working at the same company as she was. I remember it just like yesterday when I was filling up the new employee form at the company's lobby and she walked into the lobby. Our eyes met as she opened the lobby door. At that instance, it was like a bolt of lightning going down my spine. There's a sad look in her eyes that made me wondering why though. She gazed at me and that gaze paralyzed me. I dropped the pen and she put on a little smile as I was bumbling to reach for the damn pen under the coffee table. She turned to look at me again as she climbed the stairs to her office then awkwardly looked away when she realized I was still looking at her.

Later that afternoon, a work colleague formally introduced me to her as I would have to deal with her about some job affairs from time to time. That same evening after I took some drugs in the men's room I went for a smoke at the side of the office building... and there she was, smoking a cigarette. She was startled because of my presence and awkwardly smiled. We started conversation and I noticed there was some blood on her lower lip. Instantly, I wiped off the blood from her lip as she stood there frozen by surprised but didn't resent my action. I didn't know why in the hell would I do that to somebody I just met. Let a lone the hygiene aspect of my action. She only responded that she likes to bite her lip and sometimes she would bite too hard and bled he lips.

That was the moment when we started to get close as friends. We then would always had smoke breaks together at the office. For the first few weeks we had a casual relationship as work buddies and keep our meetings only during work time. But not limiting texts and phone calls after work. The only weird request she asked from me during these few weeks relationship as work buddies was that to give her wake up calls every work day's morning coz according to her, she's a heavy sleeper. Then things started to change when her car broke down and it had to be in the workshop for a few days...

Part 2:

One night Lea called. Her car in the workshop and asked me a favour if I could fetch her to work for a few days. Her boyfriend would then fetch her after work. Her house is on my way to the office although I had to take a different route than my usual... so I figured, why not. Nothing happen for the first 2 days. But on the third day...

The office's executive washroom doors for the gents and ladies were opposite each other. So one evening after getting my fix, as I was opening the washroom door on my way out of the washroom; I bumped into her who was also on her way out of the ladies. She was badly startled and dropped her metal cigarette case. The metal case's latch came undone and the insides spilt out in front of my feet. I was stunned when I realized what were inside the metal case. There they were, a rolled up barrel from a small piece of magazine paper, a couple of small pieces of aluminium foils with some burn marks, a couple of cigarette and small bag of yellowish white powder.

"What the fakk..." that was all that came out from my mouth. I quickly tried to help to pick her things up but she pushed my hands gently and said, "It's nothing. I'm fine". Then we had cigarettes together at our usual spot. There was a deafening silence between us during that smoke session. I threw away my cigarette butt and said, "That was heroin, wasn't it?"

She answered, "I know i'm a mess, forget bout me kay." As she was trying to leave i pulled he arm and showed her a cassette box of Scott Weiland from his 12 Bar Blues album. There's a confused look in her eyes as I was opening the cassette box. Her face lighten when she looked inside the box. She smiled and chuckled as she was saying, "This is just so unreal." The cassette box was my heroin storage as it was the best cover up especially when travelling in my car. The police won't really take notice of it during road block inspection (which happened to me once). We both then confided each other about our drugs problem and mutual trust started to blossom between us. That evening her boyfriend picked her up as usual.

Later that night at around 10pm, she called me. She was at a birthday party at a club with her boyfriend. She was calling from the ladies doing some heroin of course. She said the party was so lame and that she couldn't stop thinking about me the whole night. She wasn't sure why and what was going on with herself but she said she had to see me then she hung up the call. I didn't call back because i was confused myself. Later at 2 am she called asking me to come over to her house. I obliged with heart pounding that it made it me rather unease to drive as i was also high as **** at 2am. Waited for a while in my car and there she was coming out of her house wearing a sweat shirt and shorts. Jumped into my car and said, "I just have to see you. But i don't know why..."

I said nothing. Pulled her face close to mine and stole a kiss. She responded. Jumped on my lap, kissed me again then took of her shorts and we had sex in my car that morning for 3 times. Our relationship grew from there on but she still wouldn't want to leave her boyfriend. She'd known her boyfriend since she was 16 so it was very difficult for her to do so. We'd see each other late at nights and this went on for about 3 to 4 months. We broke up after that because one day she got to thinking that we couldn't had a real relationship when we're both drug addicts. Especially when she thought that my drug habit was excessive compared to hers as I loved to mixed up my drugs so that i could get higher. She called off our little fling and i agreed even though at that time I knew I was falling head over heels for her. I was just not ready to give up my drug habit. I couldn't be truly happy without drugs back then.

Was it love? It was for me but i'm not sure about her though. She's always seem so difficult to express her feelings although she did call me "love" rather often.

Part 4:

Life goes on... I did texted or called her sometimes. Some texts she'd replied or some calls she'd answered but mostly she'd just ignored me. A year later I went into rehab for 14 months cause I got busted by the police when i was trying to score for some heroin. Throughout those time in rehab (more like a prison), she was the only person I could think of. I asked a friend from rehab to make a tattoo of her name on my right arm with a large tribal design around it. That was how much she meant to me. After rehab, I fell back into heroin and meth. Then I got overdosed. When i woke up at the hospital bed, I looked at the sad face of my late grandfather whom i hold dearly in my heart, I realised at that moment I couldn't go on living in that drug hell. I changed and got sober.

A few months later; i was 26 years old that time, I called Lea and she was already engaged waiting to get hitched with her boyfriend. I congratulated her and said my farewell. Took some pills that night cause i was rather bummed about the whole marriage thing.

At 27 I met my wife. I'm still sober now but I'd do some weed or meth on occasion with old friends. 2 or 3 times max in a year... not that often. Do i still try to get in touch with Lea through these years? Yes, but not that often. Like I said, some texts she'd replied or some calls she'd answered but mostly she'd just ignored me. She never changed her mobile number for the past 14 years. 6 years ago, she got divorced. She told me about it but at that time I was already in a serious relationship with my wife.

Lea has a 14 year old daughter now. Her ex husband got married again 2 years ago and got another couple of daughters with his new wife. Lea's daughter lives with her ex husband because she feels that she's unable to provide a good family life for her daughter. Lea is currently single, going in and out of relationship with other guys. She's still addicted to heroin, which doesn't came to me as a surprise. How do I know this? Because 2 weeks ago I contacted her... LOL

Part 5:

Now this is the part that makes me so confused right now... My relationship with my wife had grown apart and I'm already staying separately on my own for a few months. I still come by to the house everyday though to help my wife with daily chores and my 15 year old step daughter with her school schedule.

2 weeks ago I started texting with Lea again. We texted about lots of things. About our current lives, relationships and reminiscence bout our younger selves. She also asked me to send a picture of my tattoo of her name. I'd told her about the tattoo 8 years ago and did sent her a picture of it that time. But she wanted to see it again. She was quite surprised that her name was was quite visible despite the large tribal design on my arm.

She just started working at a new office a few months back. She works the night shift from 10pm to 7am next day. I've asked her if she wanted to out for coffee once but she refused. Her reason was that she just got out of a bad relationship with some dude who according to her was a leech. The relationship only lasted for a couple of months but it was a bad experience as she got involved in a car accident with that guy and she had an amnesia for a month.

Last Wednesday i texted her while she's at the office. She was pretty depressed and wanted to leave earlier that night. So i texted her that i'd meet her at her office at 2.30am Thursday morning. She replied, "It's okay, you don't have to trouble my self." I replied, "i'll get change now and meet you there in 20 minutes." She responded, "I'm fine really. You don't have to do this LOL."

I didn't reply, got changed and drove over to her office. Arrived at her office at 3am and texted her that i'm downstairs in my car.

She replied, "I'm already on my way home. Why do you have to do this to yourself?"

"Well coz I wanna see you. I know you're still at the office. I'll wait here for you no matter how long it takes... but please don't take too long cause I'm out of cigarettes LOL " I replied.

She replied, "It's up to you. I can't see you right now. I'm tired of stubborn people."

But a couple of minutes later, a car drove by and parked a few cars in front of mine. She texted me, "Come have a ciggy wif me. I just parked my car here."

We met, she showed me her car which just got fixed after the accident. She's high as usual but she was happy that I'm sober now and that i looked good. We shared a cigarette cause she only had 1 left. She wanted to leave but I persuaded her to stay a while for a chat and she suggested we walked together to a convenient store 1 block ahead to buy some cigarettes. We spent the morning together in front of the convenient store until 6 am just talking. It felt so nice talking to her. I mean her voice is so soothing unlike talking to other women. I had always loved talking to her in the past. In the past we don't really do much activities together. Mostly just getting high, watch tv and just talk. She has the voice of an angel.

I persuaded her to have breakfast with me. She kinda reluctant but obliged. At home after breakfast she texted me asking me if my friends whom she knows knew about my tattoo of her name. I said some, yes. And she asked, did anybody else ever asked who's that name tattooed to my arm. I said yes, and I said I always answered them the name belongs to an angel who stole half of my heart and never to return it. She laughed and we said good night to each other (I was actually 9am).

Then on Saturday I asked her out again. She didn't reply my text till the next day. She texted that she just want to be alone for now and doesn't want me to expect anything out of her. I said I understand. That's the truth on my part as I am still married and I'm also not hoping to start any love relationship with anyone until I've properly resolved my divorce matters. My intention was just to hang out as friends. She's so down right now that she's avoiding everyone. Her drugs problem made it worst. She describes herself as broken. So I sent her youtube link to the song Broken from Seether and Amy Lee and told her to take care of herself.

She didn't text back until Cristmas eve. She texted:
"Aww loved the song.
Wish i could hear you play this (with love emoticon)
We can't be friends coz you're married. I dun think your wife would like us being friends. I'm kinda sure of that."
She shared a youtube link to the song Patience from Guns and Roses and said: "This song still reminds me of you. Everytime..."
I texted her afterwards and even asked her out on new year's eve last Wednesday, but she never texted back until today.

The QUESTIONS:
What does this mean?
Is she not interested to have any relationship with me anymore?
Does she has even the slightest romantic notion for me?

I'm so confused right now. It would be easier if she said something straight forward then to just leave me hanging. She had never really said her true feelings towards me. Whether she loves me or has no feelings for me at all.